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The RealSigma.com logo, yesterday

The ActualSimca.com logo, yesterday

ActualSigma.com provides analysis-based data to help buyers find the right new car. Site founder Michael Kaddish periodically answers your car-buying questions, our strenuous objections notwithstanding. Here are some more.

Dear ActualSigma.com,

I’ve heard that all car comparison sites are the same. Is it true that ActualSigma.com uses unique scientific algorithms and exclusive multi-point data streams to help consumers find the car that is precisely perfect for them?

Sincerely,
Car Shopper in California

Dear Mom,

I couldn’t have said it better if I wrote that email myself! Which, of course, I did not. Yes, that’s exactly right — only ActualSigma.com combines true scientific analysis with the opinions of multiple car owners just like yourself (four at last count, but it should be back up to five once I convince my wife that I was looking at our neighbor Karen’s new necklace and was not staring at her gazongas). Sure, Car and Driver can tell you whether the Infiniti Q50 gets around a race track faster than a Lexus IS350, but only ActualSigma.com can tell you the fluid resistance per horsepower-gram of the dashboard underlining or the percentage of pressure per turn-signal click expressed as a function of finger torque-newtons. Maybe those silly magazines can tell you which is the faster car, but only by reading ActualSigma.com will you know which is car is scientifically and mathematically proven to be better. Thanks for asking such an intelligent question! Oh, and don’t forget to send me your W-4 so I can get the check right out to you.

Dear ActualSigma.com,

I want to buy a Honda Accord, but my father-in-law says I should buy a Chevrolet Malibu because it’s an American car. I thought the Honda Accord was made in Ohio, doesn’t that make it an American car?

Best wishes,
Confused in Charleston

Dear Christian,

On the surface, it would appear that both your father and you are right, since both cars are assembled in America. And that’s exactly what everyday useless car-buying sites like Edmunds and Autobytel with their press junkets and their long-term test cars and their multi-million-dollar budgets would have you believe. All they care about is making money from dealer referrals, but I care about finding the right car for you. This is why the world needs ActualSigma.com! Only ActualSigma.com goes behind the press-kit data to research suppliers, interdepartmental engineering communication strategies, and technology transfer per ink-foot. Do you know how much work it is to figure this stuff out for you people? You don’t, do you? Of course you don’t, and that’s why I keep telling my wife that I have to stay up all hours of the night on the computer, because the research is never-ending. And yes, maybe some of it does involve going to web sites that some would consider “pornographic”, but how else can I find out what the Average Joe wants and needs out of his life? Clearly, I am not average. I don’t work a “regular job”. I don’t “hang out with my buddies”. I can’t relate to the “typical human being” with his (or her) “middle-class ambitions” and “social aspirations” and “friends”. This is what I have to do to put a roof over her head, and yet just because hotdutchmomswillingtoplease.com suddenly shows up on the credit card statement, she acts like the goddamned world is ending. I tell you, there’s no point in being a genius, because no one appreciates you. Just ask Hitler.

Sorry, did you ask me something about a Corolla?

Dear ActualSigma.com,

I am trying to decide between the Mercedes S63 AMG, BMW Alpina 7-series, and Audi RS7. I’ve read all the data points and analysis on your web site, but I still have a few questions. This is an important purchase for me, and I’m willing to spend the time and money to get it right. Are you available for private consulting?

Signed,
Redondo Beach Attorney

Dear Redundant,

Do you have any idea how much time I put in to ActualSigma.com to make sure that all the data you need to make the right decision is there at your fingertips? While you’re gallivanting around town trying to convince strippers to fellate you in the alley behind the Taco Bell, I’m busy crunching data so that you’ll know which car has the highest refractive spark plug resistance per windshield-wiper cycle and which cars atomize the most brake fluid per camshaft lobe-inch rotation. And you think you can just sweep in and pay me money to explain this shit when I’ve already put the data right in front of you? Jesus, no wonder you’re considering a Mercedes. As it happens, I know exactly which car you should buy, but I’m not going to tell you, not even if you empty your wallet at my feet and get down on your filthy, stinking knees and beg me. The data is there, the work is done, and if you can’t figure it out from what’s already on the web site, then perhaps you should just buy a Toyota Highlander, since that’s all you deserve.

Dear ActualSigma,

I have very large breasts, which makes it difficult to find a car that I can drive comfortably. A guy at work said your site helps people pick cars, is that true?

Thank you,
Tammy in Tacoma

Dear Tammy,

Yours sounds like a very special case, and I want to be sure you find the best vehicle for your needs. Why don’t you email me your mobile number so I can get more information? Is it okay to text you after 11 pm?

David Kaddish will answer more of your questions next month, provided his wife lets him out of the house.

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The ActualSmegma.com logo, yesterday

The ActualSmegma.com logo, yesterday

ActualSigma.com is a web site that provides analysis-based data to help buyers find the right new car. Site founder and pedantic self-described genius David Koresh has graciously agreed to answer our readers’ car-buying questions.

Dear ActualSigma,

I am trying to decide between a Honda CR-V and a Chevrolet Equinox. Can you tell me which is the better vehicle?

Sincerely,
Confused in Cincinatti

Dear Confiscated,

Of course I can! That’s why I created my web site, ActualSigma.com. Most car sites are full of superficial bullshit. They don’t give you the real facts. They’re afraid of the real facts. Oh, sure, they’ll tell you which car has a bigger cargo compartment or a roomier back seat or crisper turn-in, but where’s the real data? The important data? Only ActualSigma.com drills down and sums up the actual data, the things you need to know to make an informed buying decision. Which car has a higher tire loading per square inch of cargo pounds carried? Which averages fewer warranty repairs per turn-signal click-ounce? How will a sudden drop in temperature affect the viscosity of the glove-compartment-hinge grease? You won’t find critical details like that in Car and Driver, and yet those assholes are the ones who get the free test cars and all-expense-paid press trips to Barcelona, while I have to resort to washing and waxing cars at the local dealership so I can test drive them between the showroom and the back lot.

Sorry, did you ask me something about a RAV4?

Dear ActualSigma,

I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids and a third on the way. I want to buy a Toyota Highlander, but my husband thinks we should get a Dodge Challenger. Which car is best for us?

Thank you,
Betsy in Burbank

Dear Busty,

Questions like yours are exactly why I started ActualSigma.com! Ordinary car sites would tell you right off the bat to buy the Highlander, but they lack the technology we have. Only ActualSigma.com has the tools to give you a true needs analysis. Since you have children, you are no doubt concerned about interior durability, so you’ll want to consider our exclusive Cabin Plastics and Fabrics Scuffingness Index. You get lots of snow up there in Buffalo, so it’s important to check out our Traction Per Pound Of Horsepower comparisons, and of course you don’t want to have your car break down at a time when your husband can’t come to get you, so you should take a careful look at our Mechanical Incidents per Month-Pound of Aluminum Content Indicator.

When I run the calculations through our patented ActualSigma.com Best Car Finder For You Yes We Mean You™ computerized algorithm, the data analysis tells me that the best car for your family is a Smart ForTwo Cabriolet.

By the way, would you mind emailing me some pictures of yourself at nine months?

Dear ActualSigma,

I recently test-drove a BMW 335i and a Lexus IS350 F-Sport. I bought the BMW because I thought it would help me get girls, but my friends are telling me that the Lexus is a better car and the BMW makes me look like a douchebag. Did I buy the wrong one?

Best wishes,
BMW Buyer’s Remorse

Dear BM,

Christ on Earth, why do I even bother writing ActualSigma.com when you people can’t be bothered to fucking read it? If you had checked out ActualSigma.com before you made such an idiotic purchase, you would know that the Lexus is the better car. Not only does the Lexus have an additional 0.65 square inch-ounces of swept disc clamping force, but its 3.5 liter V6 develops a peak cylinder BMEP that is 0.06% higher than the BMW’s inline turbo six is capable of developing, plus it’s less likely to end up in the shop with a camshaft problem on the third rainy Thursday of any month with an R in it. It’s true, our data does show that the BMW is 56% more likely to attract women with big fake bazoombas and loose morals who will give up the goods on the first date, but I’m married to my junior high school sweetheart and if you ask me, sex is highly overrated. We gave it up after a couple of failed attempts.

And yeah, the BMW makes you look like a total douchebag.

Any resemblance between Mr. Koresh’s name and that of a famous cult leader is strictly coincidental but only partly unintentional. Another great idea ripped off from SniffPetrol.com.

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