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Ford Motor Company today announced that they will soon introduce the automotive industry’s first aluminum press release.
“Aluminum is lighter than steel, stronger than paper, and has more letters in its name than wood,” said Clay Magnesium, Ford’s Spokesperson for Materials You Weren’t Expecting.
“Really, this isn’t entirely new technology,” Magnesium explained. “The ink in our traditional press releases have some trace of aluminum, as do the inks used by several automakers. But we will be the first automaker to make such extensive use of aluminum throughout the entire press release.”
Asked how the aluminum press release would come into play now that most communications are sent electronically, Magnesium said, “There are still a lot of publications that prefer printed press releases, and we think they will appreciate the light weight and durability of the aluminum press release. And for those who prefer to get information via email, we will send the aluminum press release as an attachment.”
Magnesium says the first aluminum press release will be distributed at the upcoming New York Auto Show. Initially, only truck-related press releases will use aluminum, with all other vehicle lines switching to aluminum press releases by 2018. Ford, which at one time was estimated to send out nearly 40% of the world’s press releases, is believed to be the first mainstream automaker to make a company-wide switch to alternative materials in their press releases.
Asked what benefits an aluminum press release would have over traditional paper or electronic PDF files, Magnesium said, “None, really. But when has that ever stopped us?”
PR spokesbabe Bev Bragalicious recently announced that she will be leaving her position with
Mazda a major Japanese automaker, and has decided to tell journalists exactly what she thinks of them and the industry.
“Now that I need no longer worry about the consequences of speaking freely, I can finally say what’s on my mind,” Bragalicious told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “And I just want to say that you’re all a bunch of really great people and I’m going to miss you terribly.”
“Bragalicious was one of the finest bloody cat-herders we ever employed, wot,” said
Mazda some Japanese car company spokesbrit Sir Jeremy Barns-Wilkington Pembroke XVII, Fourth Earl of Irvine-on-Dumpster. “When we were trying to convince people that the Mazdaspeed3’s torque steer was a good thing, Bev went out and actually bought one of the sodding things. She could have had a GTI, and yet she blew twenty-five grand on that crap-can in the name of PR. Now that’s impressive. Or stupid. Take your pick, guv.”
We asked Bragalicious if it was hard to keep her feelings to herself during her tenure as a
bullshit artist public relations spokeswoman.
“Of course it was difficult,” she said. “There I was telling the journalists they were a bunch of freeloading worthless whiners who did nothing but waste my time, when the truth was I just wanted to tell them what a wonderful group of people they were and how much I loved them. It’s emotionally exhausting to glare at people and pretend you’re going to punch them in the throat when what you really want to do is give them a great big hug.
“Although I spent my entire career pretending I hated everyone and everything,” she continued, “the truth is that there isn’t a single journalist I wouldn’t invite over to my house for a beer and a hand job. Well, except for Don Bufamante.”
Autoblopnik.com wishes The Braga the best of luck in her future endeavors. You will be missed. And you’ll probably be back to kick our asses.