Just days after Consumer Reports recommended the Buick Regal over several European luxury cars, and following months of unprecedented Honda-bashing, officials at the magazine confirmed that the vehicle testing branch has, as many have surmised, been overrun by little green men from Mars.
“We suspected there was a problem back when our Vehicle Testing and Evaluation Division (VTED) (Ed. note: Cut me a break, not all of the acronyms can be funny) recommended the RAM 1500 over the Toyota Tundra,” said CR spokesappliance Ken Morewasher, “but we figured maybe they were simply evolving to become less like CR staffers and more like regular people.”
The Martian invasion was discovered late last night, when a member of Consumer Reports’ accounting staff made an after-hours visit to the automotive division to discuss some budget reports. There, he found a strange green-skinned creature with webbed feet and a single unblinking red eye removing what appeared to be a CR lab costume. The creature identified itself as a Martian, then firmly requested an escort to the person in charge.
“Fortunately, the staff member in question had a Conair Model XRV-2102 Multi-Purpose Ray Gun, which we recommend over other hand-held space-age weapons for its comfortable padded grip, impact-resistant carbon-trianolite barrel, and liquid-cooled transducer array, and was able to hold the Martian at bay until police arrived,” said Morewasher. “Had Bernie been carrying the Remington TN0072A Star Dispatcher Plus, which performed poorly in our scatter-beam heat index tests and has slightly lower than average predicted reliability, this story might have had a very different ending.”
Local police confirmed that a half-dozen Martians surrendered peacefully, and that the missing CR staffers were found unharmed in a rarely-used tea kettle evaluation lab.
“All of our automotive testers are now home with their families, and we look forward to them returning to their jobs of heaping praise on soulless Toyotas,” Morewasher said. “Are we sure we got all the Martians? Not really. If a Chrysler product wins another of our comparison tests, we’ll know it’s time to start taking DNA samples.”
An official at Consumer Reports magazine said they are planning a thorough staff purge in the wake of a pickup comparison that named the 2013 RAM 1500 pickup as both the winner and a “recommended buy”.
“Obviously, this was a major mix-up,” said Larry Bunn-Omatic, Consumer Reports‘ Vice President of Evaluating Everything As If It Were A Toaster. “Consumer Reports would never knowingly list a domestic vehicle as a Recommended Buy, and especially not a Chrysler product. Everyone knows American cars suck and Chryslers are shit.”
Bunn-Omatic blames the mix-up on the new RAM brand, which has replaced the Dodge nameplate on Chrysler’s pickup trucks.
“We’re really not car people, so we didn’t realize RAM was just a new name for Dodge trucks,” he told Autoblopnik. “We just figured it was a new brand from Toyota. I mean, look at how well these things are put together. It’s an easy mistake to make.”
Bunn-Omatic says the entire car testing division has been put on leave until the responsible parties can be identified and summarily fired. Frank Ingrown, who formerly headed up Consumer Reports‘ Camera, Coffeemaker, and Wheeled Trash Can Directorate, has been temporarily put in charge of car testing.
“We want to apologize to our readers and assure them that this sort of irresponsible behavior is not considered acceptable at Consumer Reports,” said Bunn-Omatic. “We’re eager to put this behind us and get back to doing what we do best, which is recommending Toyotas, Hondas and Maytags.”