Category: Blasphemy

Elon Musk writes open letter to Santa Claus

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

Elon Musk today issued an open letter to Santa Claus, urging him to consider electric power for his sleigh.

“Reindeer emissions are at an all-time high,” Mr. Musk wrote in his letter. “It’s time for Mr. Kringle to stop using this outdated technology and turn to new, cleaner forms of power that will make the world a better place.”

The letter went on to say that since  an electrically-powered sleigh would take some time to develop, Tesla would be pleased to sell ZEV credits to the North Pole in the meantime.

A spokeself for Jolly Old St. Nick told Autoblopnik that the North Pole had no intentions of changing a mode of power which has worked well for centuries.

“Of course we are always looking at alternative technologies,” the spokeself said. “But we’ve never considered batteries as a viable alternative. When your mission is to visit every single house on the planet in one single night, ‘range anxiety’ takes on a whole new meaning.”

Asked what, if anything, Mr. Musk would be getting for Christmas, the elf said, “I’m not at liberty to say what Little Elon will be getting, but I can tell you it’s made of substance that is frequently burned to power his electric cars.”

© Autoblopnik

2015 Fiat 500L review

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

by Jorge “Francis” Bergoglio

People buy cars based on what they think that car says about them, even if they’re wrong. How many people buy BMWs and Mercedes because they think it will help them to indulge in the carnal sin of the flesh? And yet that really doesn’t work very well, as I have learned from  experience. (I wasn’t always in the clergy, you know.)

Nowadays, what I value in a car is austerity and humility. And after touring the austere scenery of America’s east coast in Fiat’s family-sized hatchback, I am pleased to report that there is no more humiliating experience than driving the Fiat 500L.

Though the outside of the 500L appears no larger than that crummy little apartment I live in at the Vatican, it turned out that there was plenty of room for me, my driver, and three of my closest co-workers, although it certainly helps that those three don’t make a habit of appearing in fleshly form. Leg and shoulder space are adequate, and there’s so much headroom that I seriously considered trading in my yarmulke for the ridiculously tall hat John Paul II was so fond of.

The 500L’s big doors make for easy ingress and egress, especially when one is wearing a cassock (and that’s what it’s called, people, so please stop calling it a dress, because it isn’t. Women wear dresses, and women aren’t supposed to be priests, remember?). And the ergonomics are excellent for a holy man such as myself, with all controls falling right to hand: Patris, Filii, Spiritus Sancti, rear defogger.

I have advised my clergy to be thrifty in their choice of transportation, so the 500L’s plummeting resale value is a definite advantage. The 500L loses nearly 80% of its value the moment you drive it off the dealer’s lot, and you can pick up a clean secondhand example with less than 24,000 miles on the clock for about the same price as a used Dan Brown paperback.

Of course, reliability is a concern with any Fiat, especially one built in Serbia at a former Yugo plant. I find that a regimen of daily prayer kept the 500L running just fine, but if you aren’t a Catholic, you might be better off buying a Honda.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio is the head of the Catholic Church, Bishop of Rome, and Sovereign of the Vatican City. A native of Buenos Aires, Jorge has also worked as a chemist and a nightclub bouncer. When he isn’t writing car reviews for or leading the largest Christian order in the world, he enjoys watching soccer, dancing the tango, and riding the bus.

© Autoblopnik

God reveals what He drives

The Infinite One, yesterday

The Almighty, yesterday

After speculation dating back to the dawn of the automotive age, God has finally decided to tell the world what kind of car He drives.

“I’ve heard all the jokes,” The Infinite One told in an exclusive interview. “You know. ‘God drives a Plymouth, because the Bible says He drove them out in his Fury.’ ‘No, God drives a Honda, because He was in full Accord.’ Please. Like I’d drive one of those little Japanese deathtraps.

“Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so concerned by what’s in My driveway,” The Almighty continued. “I say ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ and all of a sudden people assume I drive an Oldsmobile or one of those stupid little convertibles from The Graduate. Jesus, people, if I’d known you were going to obsess over this, I would have created you with less curiosity.”

The Most Holy, Blessed Be He, told Autoblopnik that He has owned a succession of vehicles, saying, “I’m not a one-car sort of deity.”

“Of all the cars I’ve owned, I think I liked My ’85 Jaguar XJ12 the best,” said The Holy One. “But I sold it because even I couldn’t keep the damn thing running. I thought about replacing it with a BMW 760i, but I already think I’m Me.”

The Lord said the most exciting car He ever owned was a 2009 Corvette ZR-1.

“I had to get rid of it because I kept getting speeding tickets,” He explained. “You ever try telling a cop you’re God? Believe me, it does not go over well at all. After a while, I got tired of having to miracle Myself out of those situations, and figured I’d be better off with something a little more low-key.”

Nowadays, the Shield of Abraham says He drives a 1998 Chrysler Sebring convertible.

“I know it’s not very flashy, but it gets good gas mileage and allows Me some degree of anonymity,” the Rock and the Redeemer explained. “Besides, ‘Chrysler’ sounds a bit like ‘Christ’, and that cracks Me up.

“Truth be told, I’ve always wanted a Volkswagen Beetle Convertible,” Yaweh continued, “but in light of Leviticus 20:13, driving one makes Me feel like a bit of a hyprocrite.”

© Autoblopnik