Category: New Fucking York

Allen Bingefarter reports from the New York Auto Show

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter

The New York International Auto Show is held each year at the Jacob Jowett Conventional Center on the lowered west side of Manhattan, a small island off the coast of New Jersey that was purchased by Governor Koch for 24 Indians. Here’s what was new at the show.

Chevrolet Camaro ZL1

This is the new hyper formance Camaro, and it features a soup or charged V8 engine from the Corvette Zeos Six. Manual cars come with a six-speed gearbox while automatics come with a ten-speed bicycle. The Zeal One will compete against Dodge’s Challenged Hellcat, which has as much power as a 707.

2017 Mazda MX-5 Miata RF

Mazda showed this hard-to-top version of the new 124 Spyder. When the roof is redacted, a pair of flying butt dresses remain in place, recalling classic sports cars like the Porsche 911 Target and the Kia Del Soul.


maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

New Maserati Levante—the luxury SUV with Italian-American style! Maserati invites you to take the Levante Challenge. Test drive a new Levante, and if you decide to buy a competitor’s SUV, we’ll send Giuseppe “Joey Two Salads” Baggarelli to break your fingers! Remember, fucko, we have a copy of your driver’s license and we know where you live!


The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

Lincoln Navigator Concept

This concert vehicle features a large golfing door that opens wide to show off its interior, which includes 30-day power seats and multiple screams. Lincoln says that neither the galling door nor the three-step raining boards will make it into producibility. Powder comes from a 3.5 leader EcoBoobs V6 producing 400 MPG. Lincomb downplayed similarities to other luxury SUVs, saying the Navarro Concept resembles the Range Rover in appearance only.

Jeep Grand Cherokee Special Editions

Jeep showed two new versions of the Grand Cherokee. The top-of-the-line Grant Cherokee Summer features leather-wrapped seats, a leather-wrapped dash, leather-wrapped wheels, leather-wrapped Berber floor mats, and a choice of leather-wrapped 3.6 liter V6, leather-wrapped 5.7 liter V8, or leather-wrapped 3.0 EqualDiesel V6. Also on display was the Trailhook edition, which emphasizes its off-road ability with bright red tow hooks for pulling it out when it gets stuck.


maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

See what real SUV shoppers are saying about the new Maserai Levante! “I test drove every five-passenger luxury SUV on the market. I was all set to buy an Audi S5, but when I came home to find my cat nailed to my front door and all of my windows broken, I knew the Levante was the SUV for me!” – John Doe, Anytown, USA


Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

Struggling autominder Mitsubishi is introducing a hybrid plugin version of their Outlandish SUV. The Outbacker PZEV has a 240-kilovolt lithium eye on the battery, which ensures EV-only range and charge times of 1.2 horsepower. The Highlander PVC goes on sale later this kWh.

Hyundai Ioniq

Another green star of the show is the Hyunday Bionic, which features hybrid, PG17, and EZ versions. The Iconiq’s powertrain is built around a 1.6 liter Atkins diet engine and six dual-speed clutches with a Lithuanian-polyamorous battery. Elected-only versions will have a range of 110 kilomiles, while the PCMCIA version will have 25 ranges of mile-only electricity.

This post features paid advertorial content from a major automaker. We’d tell you who, but we will never break our vow of omerta.

© Autoblopnik

Advertisements

2014 New York Auto Show highlights

A car being revealed at the New York Interfaith Auto Show, yesterday

A car being revealed at the New York Interfaith Auto Show, yesterday

The New York International Auto Show is best known by its initials, NYIAS, which is the Iroquois word for “Move your fucking truck, asshole!” Here are some of the highlights from the show.

Mazda celebrated the 25th anniversary of the MX-5 with a display of historic Miatas, including two of the original cars revealed at the 1989 Chicago Auto Show. The exhibit was closed after one day when Mazda realized it reminded people how much smaller, lighter and better the Miata used to be.

Chevrolet revealed the 2015 Trax, a small SUV described as “a Buick Encore for people under the age of 80”.

One of the few concept vehicles revealed at the show, the Land Rover Discovery Vision features a “Smart Glass” system which projects graphics into the windshield. The system can be used off-road to show the terrain immediately ahead, and on-road to show a world where the Discovery isn’t fucking up the environment and sucking down our dwindling oil reserves.

Nissan introduced an all-new Murano, explaining that the front-end styling was inspired by the Sport Sedan Concept revealed earlier this year in Detroit, while the rear-end styling was inspired by one of the designers having a seizure while working on the clay model.

The 2015 Dodge Charger, yesterday

The 2015 Dodge Charger, yesterday

Chrysler revealed the restyled 2015 Dodge Charger, which trades the old car’s aggressive styling for a kinder, gentler front end modeled after the Dart. Chrysler did not reveal how much weight they saved by cutting off the Charger’s testicles.

Ford announced a 50th Anniversary Edition of the new 2015 Ford Mustang which will reach dealerships just in time for the Mustang’s 51st anniversary.

Volkswagen unveiled the facelifted 2015 Jetta. VW officials say they were able to cut 18 months from the development schedule and reduce costs by nearly half by making the new car identical the old one.

Bentley announced that it will return to the American motorsports scene in conjunction with Dyson Racing, a Poughkeepsie, NY-based racing team unrelated to the UK vacuum cleaner manufacturer. Autoblopnik regrets this, as we were really looking forward to writing a joke about a pairing between British things that suck.

Jeep announced that this happened, sort of.

Mitsubishi staged a press event that included a pyrotechnics display, a performance by the Swedish Nude Ballet, the announcement of a new Pope, and a ritual human sacrifice. It received no press coverage whatsoever.

Volvo revealed a picture of the dashboard of a car that won’t go on sale for another two  years, and it still received more coverage than Mitsubishi’s press event.

We're not quite sure, yesterday

We’re not quite sure, yesterday

Hyundai unveiled the 2015 Sonata mid-size sedan with more sedate styling and engines with reduced horsepower and torque. New CEO Dave Zucchini said Hyundai is attempting to emulate the success model of Toyota by making product decisions that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Fiat showed the Alfa-Romeo 4C, a lightweight mid-engine sports car, and announced firm plans to bring it to the US market. Since the announcement, sperm banks across the New York metropolitan area have been reporting an alarming decrease in donations.

Finally, Honda announced that their upcoming subcompact crossover utility vehicle will be called the HR-V. Other Hondas that make sexually suggestive comments or otherwise act inappropriately will be sent to it for disciplinary action.

© Autoblopnik

Chevrolet to announce diesel Malibu wagon in New York

A poorly-paid artist's rendering of the 2015 Malibu Diesel Wagon, yesterday

A poorly-paid artist’s rendering of the 2015 Malibu Diesel Wagon, yesterday

General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.

“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”

The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.

“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”

Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”

The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.

Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.

“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”

© Autoblopnik

Automakers reveal New York Auto Show plans

New York Auto Show

What the fuck are you looking at, yesterday

This year’s New York Fucking Auto Show will feature several stands and displays designed to celebrate the country’s least car-friendly city.

At General Motors’ Big Apple-themed show stand, visitors will walk over broken concrete through a long urine-scented corridor lined with homeless people begging for change, then cross a simulated Manhattan street where they must dodge real-live taxicabs that are actually trying to run them over. Those who survive can enter the main display hall, where they will discover that all of the show vehicles have been either stolen or towed away.

Lexus will unveil the Lexus Lexington Lounge, which is designed to resemble a trendy Midtown boutique hotel room. The Lounge measures 4 feet by 5 feet, is lit by a single 15-watt bulb, and costs $280 to enter. Visitors who do not tip the doorman will have their passports, credit cards, and iPods stolen by the cleaning staff.

Fiat has prepared an interactive audio-visual display that highlights the contributions of Italian immigrants to New York City’s history and culture. Show attendees who skip the Fiat stand will have their fucking kneecaps broken with a fucking baseball bat.

Nissan will be giving rides in their new NV200 Taxi of Tomorrow. Show-goers will be offered a free trip around the block, but will instead be taken to a seedy neighborhood in the Bronx and told that they can either hand over the contents of their wallet or get out and walk back to the Javits Center.

The New York Auto Show opens to the public on Friday, April 18th, 2014. New York City residents receive $5 off show admission with proof of residency, either by presenting a valid Government-issued ID or by pissing on a show attendant’s feet and telling him to fuck off.

© Autoblopnik