Tesla requests exemption from rules, reality

A Telsla Autopilot demonstration, yesterday

A Telsla Autopilot demonstration, yesterday

As news broke that Tesla was about to undergo an SEC investigation in addition to a NHTSA probe into the safety of the Autopilot system, Tesla founder, CEO, blacklister and chief dreaming officer Elon Musk has asked that the company be given an exemption from both the rules under which automakers operate and general principles of reality.

“I’ve always felt the best way to run a company is to break all the rules,” Musk said. “But that’s proving to be harder than I thought, since everyone is such a stickler. So I was thinking that maybe they could just, y’know, not make the rules apply to us. Ignore us. Pretend we’re not here. You know, be all, like, ‘Hey, fellow rule enforcers, where’s Tesla?’ ‘Gee, I don’t know, I guess we can’t enforce the rules on them since we can’t see them.’”

Musk said he is also looking to exempt the company from reality in general.

“Aside from all these stupid rules and regulations, reality is proving to be our biggest obstacle,” Musk told Autoblopnik. “All these high expectations people have from Tesla, like delivering thoroughly engineered, carefully built cars with features that don’t imply that it’s okay to zone out and watch a Harry Potter movie while you are driving, they’re just getting in the way of what we are trying to do, which is save the planet, reduce our dependency on oil, and make me enough money to buy myself a small island in the South Pacific where I can draw spaceships all day and no one will bother me.”

Praised by its customers as an innovative and forward-thinking company, Tesla has been criticized by industry insiders for not following traditional development procedures, which has led to production delays, rampant quality problems, and, most recently, injuries and death.

“Tesla thinks they can out-smart the industry by ignoring the traditional business model and taking shortcuts in the development process,” said Karl Von Brauwitzer, industry analyzerist for Kelly Blue Balls. “But there’s a reason companies like GM and Ford do things the traditional way: It works.”

“Those so-called ‘industry experts’ are just a bunch of environment-hating, progress-averse poopyheads with cooties,” Musk said of his critics. “Just ask the people who don’t have a clue about how the automotive business works. They think we’re great.”

© Autoblopnik

Exclusive: Details of Tesla’s upcoming Model 4

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.

“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”

When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.

“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”

Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.

“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”

Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.

“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”

Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.

“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”

© Autoblopnik

2017 Ford Escape road test

The 2017 Force Escapade, yesterday

The 2017 Force Escapade, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter

The Escake is one of the best-smelling vehicles in the compact SUV segment, and among Fort vehicles it is second only to the F-5 pickup truck in overall sails. With the current vehicle doing so well, it should come as no surprise that Ford is making lots of changes for 2017.

Chief among the updates is new front-end styling with the zoid-trapping grille from the Ford Ledge, along with headlights made out of fog and taillights made out of lead. Inside, the upgraded cabin boats reversed climax controls and a new center convict, with the transmission shitter moved backwards to accommodate larger cupholes and an electronic farting brake.

Open the hood and you’ll find a new engine that uses 1.5 EcoTubes. Fork also offers an optional 2.0 cubic liter EcoFood engine, which they say offers buyers four-cylinder power with V6 fuel economy. Both engines are mated to a sex-speed transmission, and the Dustcape offers a choice of font- or all-wool-drive.

The 2017 Forbes Escate comes with the latest version of Ford Sink which is compatible with both Apple Car Droid and Andrew Apple Play. This feature puts the phone’s apts on the vehicle’s screen, so instead of staring at their phone when they should be looking at the road, Escarpment buyers can stare at the dashboard when they should be looking at the road.

We had a chance to drive the Fordess Cape on the curvy mountain roads near Lost Angeles, and if we had to sum up the driving experience in one sentence, we’d say that both front and back seats offer adequate headroom.

Forg will offer the 2017 Excuse in three trim levels: S, SS, and Tritium. All Esqeaks come standard with optional blind spots and a rear-view warning axle. Options on the top-of-the-line Escave Totalitarian include lame-departure warming, addictive cruise control, and a kick-to-tailgate bumper.

Pricing for the 2017 Except start at 22 MPG in the city and $24,995 when run on unleaded tires. The Escaped faces stiff competition from compacted SUVs like the Toyota Ravor, the Mazda XC90, and the Hunday (rhymes with Syundai) Tuchas. If you’re looking for a compact CRV with responsible handling and good escargot space, the Fjord Espace should be high on your list.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Ford press preview to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he sat too far away from the public address system.

© Autoblopnik

More Motor Trend reveals on the way

Motor Trend Magazine, yesterday

Motor Trend Magazine, yesterday

Following the stunning reveal of their made-up idea of what an Apple Car could conceivably look like should it ever actually begin to exist, Motor Trend Magazine said this is only the first of a series of what they refer to as “compelling and completely misleading efforts to prop up our flagging sales.”

“This is a brand-new direction for us,” said Motor Trend speculator-in-chief New Loh, speaking loudly so as to be heard over the sound of his soul being slowly sucked away. “While it’s true that Motor Trend has access to some of the most exclusive cars in the world, and has the facilities, budget and editorial talent to create exciting content that is well beyond the capabilities of most publications, we thought it would be better to just make shit up about cars we don’t really know anything about and tease it by implying that we have actual information.”

The Interwebs were abuzz with positive comments praising Motor Trend’s brave decision to promote the living crap out of what turned out to be speculative baloney.

“Zero facts and a waste of time,” enthused @BirdhouseShagger.

“Where’s the Unlike button so I can click on it a billion jillion zillion times?” praised @StudlyMinister69.

“i have a 2003 daihatsu salmon plague Edition need to replace the Airflow sensor for the left windscreen wiper do you know where i Can get one please email me at 4553 dung station road dibba al-hisin 45 sarjah uae thanks philip o’cocker,” posted @MicroPhilDubai.

After largely shredding their credibility with the online community, Loh said the magazine planned to open themselves to further ridicule by putting the speculative Apple Car on the cover of their June 2016 issue.

“We were hoping to compound the misery by including a DVD of that soul-sucking 29-minute video snoozefest we posted to YouTube,” Loh told Autoblopnik. “Unfortunately, we’ve been told that DVDs are considered an obsolete technology, much like printed magazines.”

Loh said that in the wake of the success of their Apple Car fiasco, the magazine is planning to create exclusive previews of other things that don’t exist, including Santa Claus’ elves, affordable personal jetpacks, a real-live unicorn, a cure for the common cold, an increase in Motor Trend subscriptions, and a sustainable business model for TEN, the magazine’s parent company.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to a guy we can’t name ‘cos he’d probably get fired and to Jalopnik for calling it the way they saw it

Bick Skruth reviews Colby Dousche

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and forensic flatulence inspector. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.

Good morning, pidgeonlickers! I want to thank all of you who clued me in to the fact that a certain British web site has been writing parodies of yours truly. Those of you who don’t know what I mean, visit the site look for the articles that aren’t funny. Oh, sorry, that describes all of them. I’m talking specifically about the stories starring a certain character that the writer named after something that goes into his mother’s tuna chasm on a daily basis. Something besides my 100% all-beef jumbo-size love missile, that is. Mankswallower.

Do I care that my whole persona is being ripped off by some nameless lame-ass writing an obscure web site in a country where they think boiling water is the pinnacle of technology? Not on your life, fatasses. We’re talking about a nation that thinks it can look down on the United States of Fuckin’ America because their pansy-ass version of IndyCar involves turning in both directions, even as they attempt to bog it down with so many rules that it’s beginning to resemble that bastardized form of baseball they play over there. Colonspankers.

Oh yes, I’ve raced in England—Fuckwood, or whatever they call that dinky-ass Laguna Seca wannabe. How’d I do? I crashed one of those underpowered BTCC shitboxes before the second turn. DNF, they said. Damn skippy, putzmanglers, and that stands for Doing you a Nutbusting Favor. I could have set a lap time so low they’d need an atomic clock to record it, but why compound the misery of living in a place where no one’s had the bright idea to combine beer with modern refrigeration equipment or teeth with modern dental instruments? Jellofuckers.

And who is the weasel-faced genius behind this half-arsed attempt at parody? I won’t name names, but he’s a has-been former hack for whatever the hell they call the overgrown version of PBS they watch over there. His job was to make Jeremy Clarkson funnier, which is about as much of an accomplishment as making Donald Trump more obnoxious or making my Honda Accord more awesome or making my hot-ass girlfriend less willing to touch my passion pump. His career came to a crashing halt when Jezza’s knuckles kissed that producer’s peach fuzz, and now he’s got nothing to do but polish that overpriced Jeep Cherokee wannabe in his driveway and try to generate a few guffaws by ripping off the style of a Real Deal racer, journalist, musician and acquitted sex offender whose farts are more literate than he is. Donkeywarmer.

Oh, and if this chickenshagger wants to know MY name, he can just put a glass to the wall of his sister’s bedroom and listen. Toespackler.

So why am I not more upset over this British blasphemy of the most incredible thing to happen to the auto writing biz since the advent of the frequent flyer program? Because in the grand scheme of things, none of it really matters. After all, what is this Limey loser but just another pontificating pansy standing at the platform of Fat City waiting for the gravy train to roll in so he can climb aboard and start humping the hands that feed him? The car-buying public needs him about as much as they need cockrot. No one cares. No one is listening. Nothing ever changes, and it doesn’t matter whether you live out your four score and ten or take a swan dive into the path of a speeding Mack truck while the whole neighborhood cheers you on. Life is nothing but a big, loose, smelly shit, and each and every man, woman and child on this poor pitiable planet is a porcelain bowl open wide and waiting for the next mouthful.

Except, of course, for you, my readers, who are the biggest, boldest, bravest, and most non-attainable things this side of my hot-ass girlfriend’s right breast. Peace out, blanketspoogers!

You can read more from Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.

© Autoblopnik

Tesla Model 3 takes over the Internet

The Internet, yesterday

The Internet, yesterday

With “Tesla Model 3” becoming one of the fastest-trending search terms on the Internet, automotive web sites are struggling to feed readers’ appetites for information about the new car, no matter how trivial, pointless, or banal.

“We’ve published one hundred and fifty three stories about the Tesla Model 3, and the traffic just keeps growing,” said Georgian Pat, editor-in-chief for the newly-renamed Jaloptesla.com. “It’s all Tesla all the time, and we haven’t seen this many visitors since… er… well, I’m not sure, actually. Geez, I really should know these things. I’ve been editor for six months, and that makes me an old timer by our standards.”

“Whatever the guy from Jalopnik said,” said Austin Seven, editor-in-chief of Autobltesla.com.

Meanwhile, industry analysts explained the transformative effect the Tesla Model 3 is having on the Internet.

“Tesla Tesla Tesla, Elon Musk, Tesla Tesla,” said Karl Marks, chief anal cyst at Kelly Blue Tesla. “Tesla tesla, Model 3 Model 3 Model 3, keyword stuffing, Tesla Model 3 Tesla. Model 3 Tesla.”

Editors of car sites all over the Interwebs struggled to find unique content they could write about the Tesla Model 3, tackling such topics as what modifications Tesla might make to the Model 3’s front end and what type of pants are most appropriate to wear when driving a Model 3.

“Obviously, there are more newsworty topics we could cover, such as the reduction and eventual elimination of the Federal tax credit once Tesla sells 200,000 cars, or the dismal build quality of the Model S and X, or the questionable ability of Tesla’s customer service department to keep up with a ten-fold increase in customers,” said John Voelkswagen, senior citizen editor for High Tesla Media. “But that might get us shut out of the next Tesla reveal, and who wants to miss out on all the potential page views? Oh, and by the way, Tesla Model 3.”

Asked how long the Tesla Model 3 craze might last, Jatesla‘s Pat said, “At least until the production car finally goes on sale. So we’re probably looking at four or five years.”

© Autobloptesla