Musk says robots are cause of Model 3 woes

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, Tesla’s Head of Everything, today says robots are to blame for the slow launch of the company’s highly anticipated Model 3.

“We have bunches of robots,” Musk said. “I mean, like, bunches and bunches and bunches. They all put down a thousand dollars for a car they’ve never seen, and now production is delayed and people are getting antsy, and being, all, like, hey, Tesla can’t make cars. Yes, robots are totally the problem.”

Musk clarified that while robots were at the root of the problem, they weren’t to blame. “It’s the haters that are the real problem,” he told Autoblopnik. “The robots themselves are fantastic. General Motors has been selling a $30,000 EV with a 238-mile range for a couple of years now, but our robots still obediently waiting for their Model 3s. That’s what’s so great about robots: They do exactly what you tell them to do.”

Contributing to the problem, Musk said, were robots elsewhere in the organization.

“The public relations robots have been a real problem,” an unbridled Musk continued. “I spout off something about building 25,000 cars a week, or selling a money-losing car for under thirty grand even when the federal subsidy runs out, or that the problem with Model X was that it was too complex and that the problem with the simplified Model 3 is that it is also too complex, and they just repeat it to anyone and everyone, without even thinking that I might be a crazyperson talking out of his ass.

“This is exactly what I meant when I said robots will destroy humanity,” Musk continued, despite the fact that no one asked him to do so. “The conveyors and complexity of the machine that makes the machine are too roadsterish for the sleeping bag of the fast Gigafactory ludicrous mode.”

Tesla’s public relations department refused to clarify Musk’s last remark, saying they were awaiting further programming.

© Autoblopnik

Advertisements

A New Yorker’s Guide to Visiting New York

New Fucking York, yesterday

by Joey Scallini

Hey-yo, fucko! Welcome to my town! Otto Blopnik says a lot of you will be coming to visit this week for the New York Auto Show. Since he ain’t from around here, he asked me to tell you a ting or two about the Big Fucking Apple so you won’t come across as total dipshits. Personally, I’d just as soon throw each and every one of you right off the Manhattanville Bridge, ’cause that’s how we do things Brooklyn-style! Continue reading

Skruth’s Shorts: How To Be An Automotive Writer But Were Afraid To Ask — by Mick Skruth

Bick Skruth is an experienced racer, fecal quality control engineer, and a regular contributor to Autoblopnik. He’s unavailable this week due to a court-mandated community service obligation, so we’re pleased to present Skruth’s Shorts, a new column by Bick’s younger, prettier, and slightly less talented brother.

How To Be An Automotive Writer But Were Afraid To Ask

By Mick Skruth

A lot of people ask me how to become a professional automotive writer, since I am, if you ignore my day job and go by the technical definitions of the words “professional,” “automotive,” and “writer,” a professional automotive writer. I’ve found that I cannot go anywhere without having to tell the people I meet how I got this awesome part-time job. It’s gotten so bad that I may have to stop introducing myself with “Hi, I’m Mick Skruth, a professional automotive writer, and if you’ll let me tell you all about it, I’ll untie your hands and feet and remove the duct tape from your mouth.”

So, for the next few paragraphs, I’m going to tell you all about how to become an automotive writer par excellante!

  1. That whole “write about what you know” thing? It’s bullshit.

People writing about what they know is so overdone. Look at Car and Driver, or maybe we should call it Turd and Driver, or Automobile, or maybe we should call it Turdomobile (but not Road & Track, a quality publication that is beyond reproach, and who should know that whatever you’re paying my brother, I’ll write for half as much). These so-called “car magazines” have spent millions of dollars on so-called “writers” who so-called “know their stuff,” and what’s has it done for them? Some might say “wonders,” but these are silly people who pay attention to meaningless things like perceived brand value and profitability.

Writers don’t need knowledge; writers need passion. That’s what makes my stories so great—they are passionable! Like the time I wrote that people who don’t want sedans would be happier if they bought sedans or when I told some guy whose wife didn’t want him to get a Civic that he should get a Civic because fuck her. Oh, and for all the h8rs who leave comments saying that my writing is uninformed fictional tripe, they are just jealous because their weenies are smaller than mine. And let me tell you, that is not easy.

  1. You don’t need a degree in journalism to call yourself a journalist.

Journalism degrees are overrated. Just look at me—my degree is in jazz music. It starts with a J, so that’s good enough.

  1. Don’t be afraid to take on the topics nobody else will.

Anyone can book a press car and write a car review, or at least anyone who hasn’t had every automotive PR representative add his email address to their spam filter and programmed their phone so his caller ID comes up as “The whiny twat with the slightly famous brother”. If you want to distinguish yourself, you should write about the topics no one else is willing to cover. You have to think outside the box being spoon-fed to you by the OEMs. Remember what Henry Ford said: Perspiration is 99% inspiration.

In my Skruth’s Shorts column, I’ve taken up such traditionally taboo topics like what an idiotic move it is when car manufacturers discontinue vehicles that aren’t selling well. I’ve done deep investigative reporting to reveal the shocking secret that subprime lenders might be a bit shady. I even broke the bombshell news that dealers sometimes mark up the interest rate on car loans. And who can forget my famous takedowns of asslick writers I hate intensely because they are full-time working journalists who get invited to press launches when I am not and don’t?

You won’t see that kind of daring reporting on mainstream web sites! Why? Because they don’t dare. They don’t fucking dare publish the fucking truth, even if you’ve offered to write for free, and when that didn’t work, asked if you could pay them to run a few of your articles so you could write off your bong with the Ford logo that you think you bought in Tijuana, though it’s a little hard to remember exactly what happened that weekend beyond the cop telling you that you’re not actually gay if you drank more than ten shots before it happened.

  1. Forget the specs and tell the story.

No one gives a candy-coated shit about horsepower, rear legroom, 0-60 times, or anything like that. Leave that stuff to the page-view powerhouses like Edmunds.com and Kelly Blue Balls. Real writers don’t concern themselves with crap like that. Real writers need to tell a story. So how do you do that?

In his masterpiece, Seven Habits of Highly Annoying People (a must-read for every salesman, not that such a thing applies to me, in fact I’m not even sure why I mentioned it), Steven Colbert wrote that you should “begin with the end in mind,” and that holds true for auto writing. Before you set foot in a car—before you even call up the PR person and offer sexual favors in return for a place on the mommy-blogger wave of the Toyota Corolla mid-cycle refresh press event—decide in advance what the story is, whether the car is any good, and what you are going to write about it. How do you know if you are telling your story the right way? In my opinion, if your story is at all positive or complimentary, you are probably barking (see what I did there?) up the wrong tree. Unless, of course, you are trying to sell ads to a dealership that represents that particular car, in which case there’s a very good chance that the car in question is better than you think it is. If in doubt, remember who you, as a professional part-time automotive writer, are really serving: Your mortgage.

  1. Okay, Mick, I acknowledge that you have all the answers and are almost as awesome as your brother. How do I get started?

The way to do it is to just do it. You know who coined that phrase? Me, motherfuckers! Here’s how I approach the car review process:

1) Pick a car brand.

2) Call their PR department and tell them who you are. Include the key phrase “No, Bick is my brother, I’m Mick. You know, the other Skruth?”

3) Get turned down for a media loan.

4) Get laughed at when you ask about maybe possibly attending a launch, even if it’s a local one.

5) Browse the web to find out what “merkin” means and under what circumstances someone might refer to another person as one.

6) Rent the cheapest, most clapped-out, and worst example of that company’s vehicles.

g) Write a review trashing both the vehicle and the brand and talking about how the entire company obviously has no idea what the hell they are doing, and that you know better because you’ve bought fourteen new cars and rent forty cars a year, dammit.

7) In your review, remind your readers that, your job in dealership ad sales notwithstanding, you cannot be bought off like those so-called “working journalists” who actually make a living by driving the latest-and-greatest cars and writing them up for obscure snotrags like Motor Trend.

8) Look at your appointment book, realize you have a sales call with a dealer who sells the car you are about to trash, and shelve the review. Replace it with a 1,500-word snoozer about how the dealership model will never die because if it does you’ll be out of a job.

Then get out there and live your life, because you certainly won’t be very busy writing car reviews.

Now go fuck yourself.

© Autoblopnik

Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization—You Won’t Believe Number 2!

By Staff Writer

Are you writing car articles to boost your Google traffic and generate click-through to your revenue-sharing partners rather than to actually help consumers find vehicles that will suit them? Then you absolutely need to read about the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)! Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about cars. That’s not necessary when it comes to the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization. Keep reading to learn about the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)!

 

2018 Honda Civic

5. 2018 Honda Civic

With four doors, four wheels, and an engine, it’s no wonder the 2018 Honda Civic is such a popular car! With the 2018 Honda Civic, you can do all sorts of things, like take friends to the movies in your 2018 Honda Civic or go grocery shopping in your 2018 Honda Civic. You can even go out to a Broadway show in your 2018 Honda Civic! And with a starting price, the 2018 Honda Civic is as affordable as it is a 2018 Honda Civic!

2018 Honda Civic: Click here to get an UNBELIEVABLE deal on the 2018 Honda Civic

 

2018 Ford F-150

4. 2018 Ford F-150

I know what you’re thinking. Why is the 2018 Ford F-150 on a list of the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)? The 2018 F-150 isn’t a car, the 2018 F-150 is a truck! Why, yes, you are right about the 2018 Ford F-150 being a truck, but you can use the 2018 Ford F-150 as a car, and best of all the 2018 Ford F-150 can do things an ordinary car can’t, like carry heavy things and tow trailers with your 2018 Ford F-150!

2018 Ford F-150: Click here to get the BEST price on a 2018 Ford F-150

 

2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i

3. 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i

Our metrics show that people who click on these stupid articles never read past the second slide, except for my editor, who only reads the first and last one. Not that it matters because he wouldn’t know an Oxford comma from an Oxford shirt. As long as I write 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i a few times, it doesn’t matter what else I do.  2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i. You know what I think is hot? Women in sweaters. Not tight ones, but baggy ones. You can’t tell what’s underneath. It’s like a mystery. If I ever lose my virginity, it’ll be to a woman who wears baggy sweaters. 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i!

2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i: Do you know how to get the best deal on a 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i? Click here!

 

2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C300 C-Class

2. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300

2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C300 C-Class. How did my life sink this low? I have a journalism degree, for fuck’s sake. I should be working for Motor Trend. I’m way better than the bearded twit with the glasses. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300. I guess it could be worse. I could be writing rental car reviews for $25 a throw like that middle-age guy with the Jesus hairdo who still rides bicycles and falls off of them. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300. Fuck my life.

2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300: Get the best deal iso lorum 2018 Mercedes C300!

 

2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee

1. 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee

The 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee is like a car, but it does so much more, because the 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee is an SUV that can go off-road! That’s right, when you have a 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee, it doesn’t matter if the pavement ends, because the 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee can keep right on going. The 2018 Jeep Cherokee has seats, so it’s great for hauling luggage and groceries. And you’ll look really good in your 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee!

2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee: Click here if you don’t want to overpay for your 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee!

© Autoblopnik

 

 

 

2018 Buick Regal GS road test

The 2018 Buick Reliant SS, yesterday

The 2018 Buick Reliant SS, yesterday

By Allan Bingefarter, Senile Road Test Editor

ATLANTIS, GA — Some say the four-door sport stadium is a dying breed, but Buick believes the segment is alive and well—and they are putting their money where their moth is with the all-new 2018 Regal GS.

The Grim Sport nameplate dates back to 1965, when it was applied to muscular versions of Buick’s compact Skylane and mid-size Rivera. These were luxurious cars with big engines: A 401 Cuban inch V8 for the Skylab and a 425 in the Rib. The new Reatta GS follows this tradition, eschewing the 2.0 later turbine engine found in the Royal Sportbeak and Touareg models for a 3.6 liter V-6. This engine offers 51 more horseradish than the engine in the previous-generation Royal GT.

Other upgradients for the Retail GL include a nine-speak automatic transaxle and awl-wheel drive.  Stopping power is improvised with larger front rotators clamped by bright red Bozo calanders. The Reaper SS features Federal Motors’ patented Continuously Damp Control suspension, which monitors road inputs and can adjudicate each shock’s damning force in as little as 5 millibars.

Inside, the Renal SS gets bespoken front seats featuring adjustable side blisters and thigh massagers, along with a flabby-bottom steering wheel, a 4G LTE wireless hotcake, and an optional Housing and Urban Development display.

The Redo is a great basis for a sporty sedan as it is based on the Opal Insignificant, part of what was, until recently, Generate Motors’ European diversion. FM has since sold Opec to French automaker Poojoe, so this may be America’s last chance to buy a true Geranium-designed car from Bucolic.

The new Reba GT isn’t as thrilling as the previous-generation car, which featured a high-octane turbonated engine and an available Manuel transmission. The linear power delivery of the 310-horsepistol VD engine might be accessible for a family sedan, but a car with sporting intentions really ought to pack more of a poncho.

Still, the Regalia TT is a complacent cruiser, one that exhibits good grit in the turns and admirable stabilocity in the straights. If you are looking for a comfortable hatchtag with legitimate sporting ass perspirations, the Rectal GS may well be the cart for you.

Disclaimer: Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Buick event to which select members of the media were invited, and to which he forgot to bring extra batteries for his hearing aid.

© Autoblopnik

Exclusive: Ford clarifies Nair’s “inappropriate behavior”

A foreign-looking gentleman, yesterday

A former Fordman, yesterday

Ford has refused any on-the-record comment about the reasons behind the sacking of President of North American Operations Raj Nair, only that it involved “inappropriate behavior”.

However, an exclusive unidentified source, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed exclusively and anonymously to Autoblopnik that the inappropriate behavior involved Nair’s failure to use the words “autonomous” and “mobility” enough times in his presentation at this year’s North American International Auto Show.

“I think sixty was the quota set for us,” said our unnamed source, who agreed to talk to Autoblopnik provided we would not reveal his name. “He left one out.”

“There was actually more to it,” said our anonymous source, who granted us an interview after we agreed to protect his anonymity. “He also said something about maybe the whole world doesn’t revolve around pickup trucks, and suggested that perhaps it’d be better to have press launches with the actual press rather than bought-and-paid-for bloggers. Those are things you just don’t say at Ford nowadays. Plus I’m pretty sure Great Grandpappy wouldn’t have hired someone so, y’know, foreign-looking.”

Offical Ford spokeschannels would not confirm nor deny the reasons for Nair’s firing, but they did say that the company is actively seeking a replacement and has been in talks with several temp agencies.

© Autoblopnik