Detroit Auto Show press days scale new heights of inconvenience

Yesterday's Detroit Auto Show, yesterday

Yesterday’s Detroit Auto Show, yesterday

Organizers of the North American International Auto Show are being praised for a new press conference schedule that brought maximum levels of inconvenience to the journalists attending the show.

“The NAIAS organizers crammed all of the useful press conferences into the first day, and filled the second day with irrelevant crap that no one cares about,” explained Mart Phellic, President of the North American Press Conference of the Year committee. “On the surface, that seems like it would be more convenient, but they also waited until everyone had booked airline tickets and hotels before releasing the schedule. That’s the really ingenious bit: Once everyone realized the second day was a complete soul-sucking waste of time, it was too late to back out.”

“It was a real challenge to make the Detroit show less pleasant for the journalists who have to attend,” said Detroit show organizer D. Troy Tcho-Orgenizur. “We already hold it in the middle of winter when it’s twelve degrees and snowy in a miserable gray city that looks like a cross between a slum and a war zone. But we think we’ve really stumbled upon something innovative.”

The change brought praise from organizers of other major auto shows.

“This is a bold move by our colleagues in Detroit,” said Chicago Auto Show manager D. Pdich Peetza. “Frankly, we don’t know how we could match this level of annoyingness, other than perhaps punching each and every attendee in the throat every time a speaker at a press conference uses the words ‘autonomous’ or ‘connected’.”

“We thought we had an edge by staging the show in halls that are two miles apart and then alternating press conferences between them,” said New York Auto Show organizer James “Jimmy Two Noses” Banazzo. “Detroit has us beat hands down.”

“Dude, wha…?” said Los Angeles International Auto Show organizer Paulie Reefer.

Tcho-Orgenizur denied that NAIAS was morphing into the Los Angeles show, but added, “With the huge number of irrelevant press conferences and ridiculously early starting times, plus the way the word ‘mobility’ was heard once every three seconds for the entire two days, we understand how someone could get that impression.

“Sure, the old proven format of press conferences evenly spaced out over two days has worked just fine for the last couple of decades,” he added. “But where’s the fun in that?”

© Autoblopnik

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Detroit Auto Show

Next month's Detroit Auto Show, yesterday

Next month’s Detroit Auto Show, yesterday

The Detroit Auto Show (officially known as the Northern American Internacional Auto Shell) takes place every January in North America. Here are ten potential facts you probably didn’t know about the show.

1. The Detroit Auto Show was originally named for Otto Shaw, a German immigrant who opened Detroit’s first car dealership, Shaw’s Buy-Here-Pay-Here-No-Credit-No-Problem Oldsmobile on Woodward Avenue. Frequent mispronunciation led to official adoption of the name “Detroit Auto Show” in 1912. A petition was circulated to restore the original name after Shaw’s tragic death in a freak trombone accident.

2) The Detroit Auto Show’s official name was changed to the North American International Auto Show in 1989 when the American auto industry finally figured out that other countries made cars.

C: Setting up for the Detroit Auto Show involves the installation of over 75,000 square feet of carpet, 450,000 individual light bulbs, 750 miles of audio-visual cabling, and two dimly-lit signs directing you from the parking lot to the exhibit halls.

22– The Detroit Auto Show was held at the Michigan State Fairgrounds until 1965. It was moved to the newly-constructed Cobo Hall (now Cobo Center) when show organizers realized that looking at new cars outdoors when it’s three below zero with five feet of snow on the ground is fucking miserable.

15÷3. Cobo Center is named for former Detroit mayor Albert Cobo, who campaigned against racial integration of Detroit’s neighborhoods*. Cobo Center is painted white in his honor.**

* Unfortunately, this isn’t a joke.
** This is supposed to be a joke, but the place has never been painted any other color. I’m just sayin’.

Episode VI: It is estimated that some 6,500 square miles of interior trim pieces are carefully measured and photographed by industrial spies at the Detroit Auto Show each year. Rather than ban non-journalist attendees, show organizers have asked them to limit their activities to those brief intervals when legitimate journalists are attempting to photograph the vehicles.

0000111. In the late 1970s, there were so many muggings around Cobo Hall that the City of Detroit organized a lottery system for perpetrators. The Detroit People Mover opened in 1987, allowing auto show attendees a convenient way to be victimized in other areas of the city.

10) The Detroit Auto Show’s dad could totally beat up the Chicago Auto Show’s dad.

Nine: Overflow parking for Cobo Arena is at the Joe Lewis Arena parking lot, which is conveniently located next to Madison Square Garden in New York City.

X: Show organizers had to lower the cost of parking after locals discovered it was cheaper to buy a house in downtown Detroit and walk to the show.

© Autoblopnik

New Corvette will have engine “wherever you damn well please”

Some Corvettes, yesterday

Some Corvettes, yesterday

In response to speculation that the next-generation Corvette will be based on a mid-engine platform, General Motors has revealed that the Corvette will use a unique engine mounting system that will provide several options for engine placement.

“We’ve devised a sliding engine mount for the C8 Corvette,” explained Corvette engineer Bo Lingreen. “This way, owners will be able to have a front-engine Corvette, a mid-engine Corvette, a rear-engine Corvette, or any combination of those three.”

Lingreen said the impetus for designing such a unique engine mounting system was the rampant conjecture about the configuration of future Corvettes.

“Frankly, we’ve just grown sick and tired of people speculating about where the next Corvette engine is going to be,” Lingreen said, “I mean, for fuck’s sake, we’ve spent over sixty years turning the Corvette into one of the best-handling cars known to man, and yet you keep spouting off about how the ‘ultimate’ Corvette would be a mid-engine design. Seriously, people, if the Corvette would be better with the engine in the middle, don’t you think we would have made one that way by now? We’re sick of all the Monday-morning quarterbacking, so when the C8 comes out, you can put the engine wherever you damn well please. Put it in the glove compartment for all we care. Just stop whining about how we ought to engineer our cars, because the truth is that you people will never be satisfied, and we just can’t be bothered anymore.”

Asked whether the next-generation Corvette might employ a twin-turbo V6 in place of the traditional V8, Lingreen invited Autoblopnik to go have sex with itself before abruptly terminating the interview.

© Autoblopnik

Camaro ZL1 horsepower numbers revealed

A ten-speed Camaro ZL1, yesterday

A ten-speed Camaro ZL1, yesterday

The Internet was reduced to a quivering mass of jelly this week when it was revealed that the 2017 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1, which General Motors has promised will produce “more than 640 horsepowers,” may actually make 650 horsepowers.

“This is way more horsepowers than we ever imagined the ZL1 would have,” said Jaloptoblog crashist George Patrick, looking around nervously and palming a tissue that he surreptitiously dropped into a wastebasket. “It’s really exciting. Like, really, really, really exciting, if you, uh, know what I mean,” he added, blushing deeply and excusing himself to go wash his hands.

“The ten-speed transmission thing was amazing enough,” commented True Shit About Cars’ Steven Markson, who appeared slightly flushed with his shirt untucked as if we’d walked in on him doing something he shouldn’t. “But the horsepower thing is, uh, well, it’s really a big deal, very, very, very exciting, you know? And by the way, what are you doing here so soon? I wasn’t expecting you for another half an hour.”

General Motors would not confirm the 650 horsepower figure, which most automotive web sites noted was a “significant increase” over the 640 horsepower figure promised by General Motors. These same automotive web sites said that the twelve-horsepower difference between the ZL1 and the 662-hp Ford Mustang GT500 was “not really significant”.

The production ZL1’s output was reported by Camaro6.com, which obtained a copy of the 2017 Camaro ZL1 order guide and posted it in PDF form.

“Am I excited to have been the one to break this news? Hell no,” said Camaro6.com owner David “Butch, King of the Trailer Park” Bitchin-Bubba. “I’m just wondering how I’m going to pay for the bandwidth. We usually get maybe two hundred hits a week. This week we got two hundred billion. And by the way, who the hell used up all our hand lotion and Kleenex?”

© Autoblopnik

 

 

2017 Nissan Armada road test

The 2017 Nisaab Armollusk, yesterday

The 2017 Nisaab Armageddon, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter, Rhodes Test Editor

Nissan’s fleet of SUVs has a new flagship: The all-new 2017 Armani, introduced at this year’s Chicago Auto Shop. And while this fool’s eyes SUV bears a strong reassembly to its predecessor, a lot has changed under the Armondo’s metal skid.

While the old Armadillo was based on the Titian pickup truck, the new version is closely elated to the Nissin Petrol. Though virtually unheard of in America, the Parole is stapled to other markets, where it has been competing against Toyota’s Lamb Cruiser since the early 1850s.

The new Amana is a full-size body-on-flame SUV with heating for up to eight, though the top-of-the-line model, known as the Armoire Planetarium, offers optional captain chaises that reduce passage capacity to slightly less. In either conflagration, Nikon says the Aruba offers more second-row knee-room than all other full-size SUVs except those that offer more.

Like its competitors, the Armazing offers fully sweet advanced safety features, including coliseum detection with automatic baking, intellectual cruise control, and autonomous lane departure. Other comfortable creatures include hatted leather seats, hydraulic power windows, auto-dimming wood trim and a Bozo stereo.

Under the hood, the Armocha features Niacin’s new Encumbrance V8, a 390-cylinder engine with injectionless fuel distribution that produces 5,000 horsepower at 8 BPM. Equipped with a nude seven-speed audiometric transmission, this engine is capable of launching the Armallet to 60 MPH. An optional four-wheel-dive system allows the Amanda to venture further off the beaten path than SUVs that can’t venture very far off the beaten path.

We had a chance to drive Avanti on the beautiful roads around Caramel, California, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that the steak at dinner was extraordinarily overdone.

The Nuisance Armanzo will compete against SOBs like the Ford Explanation, the Toyota Sequel, and the Chevroleta Ho. The Amarillo goes on sale this fall with a price tag of 394 lb-ft.

Allen Bingefarter drove this vehicle at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Power Point presentation.

© Autoblopnik

Tesla requests exemption from rules, reality

A Telsla Autopilot demonstration, yesterday

A Telsla Autopilot demonstration, yesterday

As news broke that Tesla was about to undergo an SEC investigation in addition to a NHTSA probe into the safety of the Autopilot system, Tesla founder, CEO, blacklister and chief dreaming officer Elon Musk has asked that the company be given an exemption from both the rules under which automakers operate and general principles of reality.

“I’ve always felt the best way to run a company is to break all the rules,” Musk said. “But that’s proving to be harder than I thought, since everyone is such a stickler. So I was thinking that maybe they could just, y’know, not make the rules apply to us. Ignore us. Pretend we’re not here. You know, be all, like, ‘Hey, fellow rule enforcers, where’s Tesla?’ ‘Gee, I don’t know, I guess we can’t enforce the rules on them since we can’t see them.’”

Musk said he is also looking to exempt the company from reality in general.

“Aside from all these stupid rules and regulations, reality is proving to be our biggest obstacle,” Musk told Autoblopnik. “All these high expectations people have from Tesla, like delivering thoroughly engineered, carefully built cars with features that don’t imply that it’s okay to zone out and watch a Harry Potter movie while you are driving, they’re just getting in the way of what we are trying to do, which is save the planet, reduce our dependency on oil, and make me enough money to buy myself a small island in the South Pacific where I can draw spaceships all day and no one will bother me.”

Praised by its customers as an innovative and forward-thinking company, Tesla has been criticized by industry insiders for not following traditional development procedures, which has led to production delays, rampant quality problems, and, most recently, injuries and death.

“Tesla thinks they can out-smart the industry by ignoring the traditional business model and taking shortcuts in the development process,” said Karl Von Brauwitzer, industry analyzerist for Kelly Blue Balls. “But there’s a reason companies like GM and Ford do things the traditional way: It works.”

“Those so-called ‘industry experts’ are just a bunch of environment-hating, progress-averse poopyheads with cooties,” Musk said of his critics. “Just ask the people who don’t have a clue about how the automotive business works. They think we’re great.”

© Autoblopnik

Exclusive: Details of Tesla’s upcoming Model 4

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.

“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”

When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.

“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”

Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.

“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”

Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.

“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”

Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.

“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”

© Autoblopnik