Bick Skruth reviews Colby Dousche

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and forensic flatulence inspector. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.

Good morning, pidgeonlickers! I want to thank all of you who clued me in to the fact that a certain British web site has been writing parodies of yours truly. Those of you who don’t know what I mean, visit the site look for the articles that aren’t funny. Oh, sorry, that describes all of them. I’m talking specifically about the stories starring a certain character that the writer named after something that goes into his mother’s tuna chasm on a daily basis. Something besides my 100% all-beef jumbo-size love missile, that is. Mankswallower.

Do I care that my whole persona is being ripped off by some nameless lame-ass writing an obscure web site in a country where they think boiling water is the pinnacle of technology? Not on your life, fatasses. We’re talking about a nation that thinks it can look down on the United States of Fuckin’ America because their pansy-ass version of IndyCar involves turning in both directions, even as they attempt to bog it down with so many rules that it’s beginning to resemble that bastardized form of baseball they play over there. Colonspankers.

Oh yes, I’ve raced in England—Fuckwood, or whatever they call that dinky-ass Laguna Seca wannabe. How’d I do? I crashed one of those underpowered BTCC shitboxes before the second turn. DNF, they said. Damn skippy, putzmanglers, and that stands for Doing you a Nutbusting Favor. I could have set a lap time so low they’d need an atomic clock to record it, but why compound the misery of living in a place where no one’s had the bright idea to combine beer with modern refrigeration equipment or teeth with modern dental instruments? Jellofuckers.

And who is the weasel-faced genius behind this half-arsed attempt at parody? I won’t name names, but he’s a has-been former hack for whatever the hell they call the overgrown version of PBS they watch over there. His job was to make Jeremy Clarkson funnier, which is about as much of an accomplishment as making Donald Trump more obnoxious or making my Honda Accord more awesome or making my hot-ass girlfriend less willing to touch my passion pump. His career came to a crashing halt when Jezza’s knuckles kissed that producer’s peach fuzz, and now he’s got nothing to do but polish that overpriced Jeep Cherokee wannabe in his driveway and try to generate a few guffaws by ripping off the style of a Real Deal racer, journalist, musician and acquitted sex offender whose farts are more literate than he is. Donkeywarmer.

Oh, and if this chickenshagger wants to know MY name, he can just put a glass to the wall of his sister’s bedroom and listen. Toespackler.

So why am I not more upset over this British blasphemy of the most incredible thing to happen to the auto writing biz since the advent of the frequent flyer program? Because in the grand scheme of things, none of it really matters. After all, what is this Limey loser but just another pontificating pansy standing at the platform of Fat City waiting for the gravy train to roll in so he can climb aboard and start humping the hands that feed him? The car-buying public needs him about as much as they need cockrot. No one cares. No one is listening. Nothing ever changes, and it doesn’t matter whether you live out your four score and ten or take a swan dive into the path of a speeding Mack truck while the whole neighborhood cheers you on. Life is nothing but a big, loose, smelly shit, and each and every man, woman and child on this poor pitiable planet is a porcelain bowl open wide and waiting for the next mouthful.

Except, of course, for you, my readers, who are the biggest, boldest, bravest, and most non-attainable things this side of my hot-ass girlfriend’s right breast. Peace out, blanketspoogers!

You can read more from Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.

© Autoblopnik

Tesla Model 3 takes over the Internet

The Internet, yesterday

The Internet, yesterday

With “Tesla Model 3” becoming one of the fastest-trending search terms on the Internet, automotive web sites are struggling to feed readers’ appetites for information about the new car, no matter how trivial, pointless, or banal.

“We’ve published one hundred and fifty three stories about the Tesla Model 3, and the traffic just keeps growing,” said Georgian Pat, editor-in-chief for the newly-renamed Jaloptesla.com. “It’s all Tesla all the time, and we haven’t seen this many visitors since… er… well, I’m not sure, actually. Geez, I really should know these things. I’ve been editor for six months, and that makes me an old timer by our standards.”

“Whatever the guy from Jalopnik said,” said Austin Seven, editor-in-chief of Autobltesla.com.

Meanwhile, industry analysts explained the transformative effect the Tesla Model 3 is having on the Internet.

“Tesla Tesla Tesla, Elon Musk, Tesla Tesla,” said Karl Marks, chief anal cyst at Kelly Blue Tesla. “Tesla tesla, Model 3 Model 3 Model 3, keyword stuffing, Tesla Model 3 Tesla. Model 3 Tesla.”

Editors of car sites all over the Interwebs struggled to find unique content they could write about the Tesla Model 3, tackling such topics as what modifications Tesla might make to the Model 3’s front end and what type of pants are most appropriate to wear when driving a Model 3.

“Obviously, there are more newsworty topics we could cover, such as the reduction and eventual elimination of the Federal tax credit once Tesla sells 200,000 cars, or the dismal build quality of the Model S and X, or the questionable ability of Tesla’s customer service department to keep up with a ten-fold increase in customers,” said John Voelkswagen, senior citizen editor for High Tesla Media. “But that might get us shut out of the next Tesla reveal, and who wants to miss out on all the potential page views? Oh, and by the way, Tesla Model 3.”

Asked how long the Tesla Model 3 craze might last, Jatesla‘s Pat said, “At least until the production car finally goes on sale. So we’re probably looking at four or five years.”

© Autobloptesla

More speculation about the Tesla Model 3

An artist's rendering of the Tesla Model 3, yesterday

An artist’s rendering of the Tesla Model 3, yesterday

The Internets are abuzz with speculation about the Tesla Model 3, which will be revealed tonight in a super-secret ceremony at an as-yet-to-be-disclosed confidential location somewhere in the vicinity of 3203 Jack Northrop Avenue in Hawthorne, California, take the 105 freeway to Crenshaw Ave. and turn right. Though the details remain confidential, we are able to speculate based on others’ speculations.

  • Tonight’s reveal may not show the complete vehicle. This required a massive and expensive coordinated effort to contact all of the major dictionary publishers in order to change the definition of the word “reveal”.
  • The entry-level Model 3 will have a base price of $35,000*.

* Batteries not included

  • Thousands of people are literally lining up to put down a $1,000 deposit without knowing what the car will look like, what kind of range it will offer, or how much it will cost. This has led to a sharp rise in sales of the Brooklyn Bridge and beachfront property in Arizona.
  • Tesla will give the first purchase options to existing Model S and Model X customers so they’ll have something to drive while their other cars are in the shop. Roadster owners can fuck off.
  • Gigafactory 1, the Nevada plant that will build the car, is scheduled for completion in 2020, just in time for the Model 3’s scheduled introduction in 2017. Currently the factory is 14% complete, and it is expected that the first customer cars will be 14% complete as well.
  • Of the Gigafactory’s 13 million square feet of space, at least 4 million square feet is expected to be dedicated to gaming, including baccarat, pai gow, and the loosest slots in the automotive industry.
  • Given the Tesla owner profile—high satisfaction despite below-average quality—Tesla may announce an expansion into products such as hair plugs, anti-aging cream, and heroin.
  • Elon Musk originally wanted to name the car the Model O so that the three model names would spell SOX, but this turned out to be a trademark owned by a baseball team in Illinois. He considered calling it Model A, but was stopped by the Selmer Horn Company. The car may still be called the Model U unless a competent public relations manager can be hired in time.
  • The Model 3 lineup will eventually include a sedan, a 5-door hatchback, a 3-door hatchback, a coupe, a convertible, a compact SUV, a pickup truck, a small van, a large van, a flatbed truck, a cement mixer, a car carrier, a copy of the Encyclopedia International, a trip to Maui, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
  • Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have never been seen in the same place at the same time, and Jobs had a closed-casket funeral. I’m just sayin’.
  • P. T. Barnum was right: One per minute.

© Autoblopnik

Allen Bingefarter reports from the New York Auto Show

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter

The New York International Auto Show is held each year at the Jacob Jowett Conventional Center on the lowered west side of Manhattan, a small island off the coast of New Jersey that was purchased by Governor Koch for 24 Indians. Here’s what was new at the show.

Chevrolet Camaro ZL1

This is the new hyper formance Camaro, and it features a soup or charged V8 engine from the Corvette Zeos Six. Manual cars come with a six-speed gearbox while automatics come with a ten-speed bicycle. The Zeal One will compete against Dodge’s Challenged Hellcat, which has as much power as a 707.

2017 Mazda MX-5 Miata RF

Mazda showed this hard-to-top version of the new 124 Spyder. When the roof is redacted, a pair of flying butt dresses remain in place, recalling classic sports cars like the Porsche 911 Target and the Kia Del Soul.

maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

New Maserati Levante—the luxury SUV with Italian-American style! Maserati invites you to take the Levante Challenge. Test drive a new Levante, and if you decide to buy a competitor’s SUV, we’ll send Giuseppe “Joey Two Salads” Baggarelli to break your fingers! Remember, fucko, we have a copy of your driver’s license and we know where you live!

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

Lincoln Navigator Concept

This concert vehicle features a large golfing door that opens wide to show off its interior, which includes 30-day power seats and multiple screams. Lincoln says that neither the galling door nor the three-step raining boards will make it into producibility. Powder comes from a 3.5 leader EcoBoobs V6 producing 400 MPG. Lincomb downplayed similarities to other luxury SUVs, saying the Navarro Concept resembles the Range Rover in appearance only.

Jeep Grand Cherokee Special Editions

Jeep showed two new versions of the Grand Cherokee. The top-of-the-line Grant Cherokee Summer features leather-wrapped seats, a leather-wrapped dash, leather-wrapped wheels, leather-wrapped Berber floor mats, and a choice of leather-wrapped 3.6 liter V6, leather-wrapped 5.7 liter V8, or leather-wrapped 3.0 EqualDiesel V6. Also on display was the Trailhook edition, which emphasizes its off-road ability with bright red tow hooks for pulling it out when it gets stuck.

maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

See what real SUV shoppers are saying about the new Maserai Levante! “I test drove every five-passenger luxury SUV on the market. I was all set to buy an Audi S5, but when I came home to find my cat nailed to my front door and all of my windows broken, I knew the Levante was the SUV for me!” – John Doe, Anytown, USA

Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

Struggling autominder Mitsubishi is introducing a hybrid plugin version of their Outlandish SUV. The Outbacker PZEV has a 240-kilovolt lithium eye on the battery, which ensures EV-only range and charge times of 1.2 horsepower. The Highlander PVC goes on sale later this kWh.

Hyundai Ioniq

Another green star of the show is the Hyunday Bionic, which features hybrid, PG17, and EZ versions. The Iconiq’s powertrain is built around a 1.6 liter Atkins diet engine and six dual-speed clutches with a Lithuanian-polyamorous battery. Elected-only versions will have a range of 110 kilomiles, while the PCMCIA version will have 25 ranges of mile-only electricity.

This post features paid advertorial content from a major automaker. We’d tell you who, but we will never break our vow of omerta.

© Autoblopnik

Volkswagen announces 2017 model year changes

Something to talk about other than the VW emissions scandal, yesterday

Something to talk about other than the VW emissions scandal, yesterday

Volkswagen has announced a series of updates that will be made to all of its US-market vehicles starting with the 2017 model year.

“Effective for 2017, all Volkswagen models sold in America will have floor mats that get stuck under the pedals, ignition switches that catch fire, exploding Takata airbags, and gasoline engines that cannot meet their EPA fuel economy estimates,” said Volkswagen spokesperson Paul Lution.

Lution said all of the changes were patterned after “serious defects introduced by other automakers that the public seems to have forgotten about.”

“Honestly, we don’t see why the American public is still hung up on this diesel thing,” Lution told Autoblopnik after agreeing to go off the record. “For fuck’s sake, it’s just a handful of cars that only a small group of zealous nut-cases bought. That whole ‘Never Forget’ thing for the Germans, that’s not supposed to have anything to do with us.”

Volkswagen also announced their new US advertising slogan, “Ficken vergiss ess bereits,” which loosely translates to “Let it fucking go already.”

© Autoblopnik

General Motors announces new eAssist for pickup trucks

A mild GMC eSierra, yesterday

A mild GMC eSierra, yesterday

General Motors is bringing back the eAssist “mild hybrid” system for its full-size Chevrolet Silverado and GMC Sierra pickups.

“The new eAssist system delivers a 3.6% increase in horsepower and a 10% increase in fuel economy for our full-size pickups,” said General Motors espokeseperson Jen Eralmoders. “We think this truck will have strong appeal for buyers who want a slight increase in fuel economy and power, but would prefer to avoid anything too drastic.”

The new eAssist package, developed in-house by General Motors’ secretive Department of Making Things Slightly Better, adds 13 horsepower, approximately ten of which are used to carry the extra weight of the motor, battery, wiring, and big chrome “eAssist” badges.

Eralmodors said the eAssist package now includes several improvements unrelated to performance and fuel economy.

“For example, eAssist-equipped trucks get our new Mildly Better Hinges which make the doors 6% easier to close,” she explained. “You still have to pull pretty hard on the doors, but not quite so hard. Also, the needles on the instruments are painted Mildly Brighter Red, making them just a tiny little bit easier to see than the needles on our regular pickups.”

The eAssist trucks will also get a 4-percent increase in hauling capacity, Eralmodors said.

“What if you have the bed fully loaded with sixty-five cinder blocks, which is full capacity for the Silverado and Sierra 1500, and suddenly decide you want to put a couple of two by fours or perhaps a severed leg into the bed? The eAssist system gives you that extra capacity. You can’t get that from Ram or Ford.”

Eralmodors said the increased fuel economy of the eAssist system will save the average full-size pickup owner $3,000 in fuel over the life of the truck—”assuming,” she adds, “that the average pickup owner routinely drives to Venus.”

© Autoblopnik