More speculation about the Tesla Model 3

An artist's rendering of the Tesla Model 3, yesterday

An artist’s rendering of the Tesla Model 3, yesterday

The Internets are abuzz with speculation about the Tesla Model 3, which will be revealed tonight in a super-secret ceremony at an as-yet-to-be-disclosed confidential location somewhere in the vicinity of 3203 Jack Northrop Avenue in Hawthorne, California, take the 105 freeway to Crenshaw Ave. and turn right. Though the details remain confidential, we are able to speculate based on others’ speculations.

  • Tonight’s reveal may not show the complete vehicle. This required a massive and expensive coordinated effort to contact all of the major dictionary publishers in order to change the definition of the word “reveal”.
  • The entry-level Model 3 will have a base price of $35,000*.

* Batteries not included

  • Thousands of people are literally lining up to put down a $1,000 deposit without knowing what the car will look like, what kind of range it will offer, or how much it will cost. This has led to a sharp rise in sales of the Brooklyn Bridge and beachfront property in Arizona.
  • Tesla will give the first purchase options to existing Model S and Model X customers so they’ll have something to drive while their other cars are in the shop. Roadster owners can fuck off.
  • Gigafactory 1, the Nevada plant that will build the car, is scheduled for completion in 2020, just in time for the Model 3’s scheduled introduction in 2017. Currently the factory is 14% complete, and it is expected that the first customer cars will be 14% complete as well.
  • Of the Gigafactory’s 13 million square feet of space, at least 4 million square feet is expected to be dedicated to gaming, including baccarat, pai gow, and the loosest slots in the automotive industry.
  • Given the Tesla owner profile—high satisfaction despite below-average quality—Tesla may announce an expansion into products such as hair plugs, anti-aging cream, and heroin.
  • Elon Musk originally wanted to name the car the Model O so that the three model names would spell SOX, but this turned out to be a trademark owned by a baseball team in Illinois. He considered calling it Model A, but was stopped by the Selmer Horn Company. The car may still be called the Model U unless a competent public relations manager can be hired in time.
  • The Model 3 lineup will eventually include a sedan, a 5-door hatchback, a 3-door hatchback, a coupe, a convertible, a compact SUV, a pickup truck, a small van, a large van, a flatbed truck, a cement mixer, a car carrier, a copy of the Encyclopedia International, a trip to Maui, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
  • Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have never been seen in the same place at the same time, and Jobs had a closed-casket funeral. I’m just sayin’.
  • P. T. Barnum was right: One per minute.

© Autoblopnik

Allen Bingefarter reports from the New York Auto Show

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter

The New York International Auto Show is held each year at the Jacob Jowett Conventional Center on the lowered west side of Manhattan, a small island off the coast of New Jersey that was purchased by Governor Koch for 24 Indians. Here’s what was new at the show.

Chevrolet Camaro ZL1

This is the new hyper formance Camaro, and it features a soup or charged V8 engine from the Corvette Zeos Six. Manual cars come with a six-speed gearbox while automatics come with a ten-speed bicycle. The Zeal One will compete against Dodge’s Challenged Hellcat, which has as much power as a 707.

2017 Mazda MX-5 Miata RF

Mazda showed this hard-to-top version of the new 124 Spyder. When the roof is redacted, a pair of flying butt dresses remain in place, recalling classic sports cars like the Porsche 911 Target and the Kia Del Soul.


maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

New Maserati Levante—the luxury SUV with Italian-American style! Maserati invites you to take the Levante Challenge. Test drive a new Levante, and if you decide to buy a competitor’s SUV, we’ll send Giuseppe “Joey Two Salads” Baggarelli to break your fingers! Remember, fucko, we have a copy of your driver’s license and we know where you live!


The New York Auto Show, yesterday

The New York Auto Show, yesterday

Lincoln Navigator Concept

This concert vehicle features a large golfing door that opens wide to show off its interior, which includes 30-day power seats and multiple screams. Lincoln says that neither the galling door nor the three-step raining boards will make it into producibility. Powder comes from a 3.5 leader EcoBoobs V6 producing 400 MPG. Lincomb downplayed similarities to other luxury SUVs, saying the Navarro Concept resembles the Range Rover in appearance only.

Jeep Grand Cherokee Special Editions

Jeep showed two new versions of the Grand Cherokee. The top-of-the-line Grant Cherokee Summer features leather-wrapped seats, a leather-wrapped dash, leather-wrapped wheels, leather-wrapped Berber floor mats, and a choice of leather-wrapped 3.6 liter V6, leather-wrapped 5.7 liter V8, or leather-wrapped 3.0 EqualDiesel V6. Also on display was the Trailhook edition, which emphasizes its off-road ability with bright red tow hooks for pulling it out when it gets stuck.


maseratilogo_smSPONSORED CONTENT

See what real SUV shoppers are saying about the new Maserai Levante! “I test drove every five-passenger luxury SUV on the market. I was all set to buy an Audi S5, but when I came home to find my cat nailed to my front door and all of my windows broken, I knew the Levante was the SUV for me!” – John Doe, Anytown, USA


Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

The New York Audio Show, yesterday

Struggling autominder Mitsubishi is introducing a hybrid plugin version of their Outlandish SUV. The Outbacker PZEV has a 240-kilovolt lithium eye on the battery, which ensures EV-only range and charge times of 1.2 horsepower. The Highlander PVC goes on sale later this kWh.

Hyundai Ioniq

Another green star of the show is the Hyunday Bionic, which features hybrid, PG17, and EZ versions. The Iconiq’s powertrain is built around a 1.6 liter Atkins diet engine and six dual-speed clutches with a Lithuanian-polyamorous battery. Elected-only versions will have a range of 110 kilomiles, while the PCMCIA version will have 25 ranges of mile-only electricity.

This post features paid advertorial content from a major automaker. We’d tell you who, but we will never break our vow of omerta.

© Autoblopnik

Volkswagen announces 2017 model year changes

Something to talk about other than the VW emissions scandal, yesterday

Something to talk about other than the VW emissions scandal, yesterday

Volkswagen has announced a series of updates that will be made to all of its US-market vehicles starting with the 2017 model year.

“Effective for 2017, all Volkswagen models sold in America will have floor mats that get stuck under the pedals, ignition switches that catch fire, exploding Takata airbags, and gasoline engines that cannot meet their EPA fuel economy estimates,” said Volkswagen spokesperson Paul Lution.

Lution said all of the changes were patterned after “serious defects introduced by other automakers that the public seems to have forgotten about.”

“Honestly, we don’t see why the American public is still hung up on this diesel thing,” Lution told Autoblopnik after agreeing to go off the record. “For fuck’s sake, it’s just a handful of cars that only a small group of zealous nut-cases bought. That whole ‘Never Forget’ thing for the Germans, that’s not supposed to have anything to do with us.”

Volkswagen also announced their new US advertising slogan, “Ficken vergiss ess bereits,” which loosely translates to “Let it fucking go already.”

© Autoblopnik

General Motors announces new eAssist for pickup trucks

A mild GMC eSierra, yesterday

A mild GMC eSierra, yesterday

General Motors is bringing back the eAssist “mild hybrid” system for its full-size Chevrolet Silverado and GMC Sierra pickups.

“The new eAssist system delivers a 3.6% increase in horsepower and a 10% increase in fuel economy for our full-size pickups,” said General Motors espokeseperson Jen Eralmoders. “We think this truck will have strong appeal for buyers who want a slight increase in fuel economy and power, but would prefer to avoid anything too drastic.”

The new eAssist package, developed in-house by General Motors’ secretive Department of Making Things Slightly Better, adds 13 horsepower, approximately ten of which are used to carry the extra weight of the motor, battery, wiring, and big chrome “eAssist” badges.

Eralmodors said the eAssist package now includes several improvements unrelated to performance and fuel economy.

“For example, eAssist-equipped trucks get our new Mildly Better Hinges which make the doors 6% easier to close,” she explained. “You still have to pull pretty hard on the doors, but not quite so hard. Also, the needles on the instruments are painted Mildly Brighter Red, making them just a tiny little bit easier to see than the needles on our regular pickups.”

The eAssist trucks will also get a 4-percent increase in hauling capacity, Eralmodors said.

“What if you have the bed fully loaded with sixty-five cinder blocks, which is full capacity for the Silverado and Sierra 1500, and suddenly decide you want to put a couple of two by fours or perhaps a severed leg into the bed? The eAssist system gives you that extra capacity. You can’t get that from Ram or Ford.”

Eralmodors said the increased fuel economy of the eAssist system will save the average full-size pickup owner $3,000 in fuel over the life of the truck—”assuming,” she adds, “that the average pickup owner routinely drives to Venus.”

© Autoblopnik

Bick Skruth reviews the Senzou Happy Place Milktitty 45Y hoverboard

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and testicle inspector. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.

Hello, my bitches! Did you miss me? Of course you did, you fuckin’ fruitbats!

Contrary to what is being said, my sabbatical from car testing these last few weeks has been entirely self-imposed. The rumors that I have been blacklisted by every automaker because of an unfortunate incident involving an Audi, a forest, two rockin’-ass guitars, a disturbingly large quantity of Havarti cheese, a poisonous laundry basket, some duct tape, Peru, a bottle of Harbinger’s All-Purpose Hair Restorer, a pair of underwear that reportedly once belonged to Bill Cosby, the Bible, the moon, and a quart of Dryer’s Light Moose Tracks Ice Cream are malicious and false. And while I’m sure that if anyone’s bodily fluids really could short out a vehicle’s entire electrical system, mine sure as hell could, I would like to point out that this is not specifically prohibited in the Borrowed Vehicle Agreement I signed when the car was delivered. Basswankers.

Oh, and to answer the PR guy’s question about how one could cause perfectly identical and symmetrical crumple damage to both the right and left rear doors, the answer is talent, bitch! (Knobfarter.)

An hoverboard. yesterday

An hoverboard. yesterday

Because the automobile business is so fuckin’ lame, I decided to set aside work on my box set and loan my prodigious talents to the personal-mobility industry. Though several of the manufacturers I contacted were too pathetic to realize how lucky they’d be to have me take time away from my novel, my music and my penis to give them some ink, three of them responded and sent me test units. One demanded I send the unit back after testing (oops, I seem to have lost that one at my hot-ass girlfriend’s house), another set the UPS truck on fire before it could be delivered, but the Senzou Happy Place 45YMilktitty Hovah Baud Deluxe Success arrived at my palatial piazza ready for testing… and test that fucker I did! Napkinspankers.

First of all, let me say that when you consider that anything powered by electricity is inherently stupid and lame, the 45Y Milktitty is a nifty piece of kit. It accelerates from naught to its top speed of 6.5 MPH nearly as quickly as I can deliver the beans when I’m attempting to pleasure my hot-ass girlfriend, and it corners with all the skill I show when I pick up my axe and ride, man, ride. Do you doubt me? Oh, you don’t want to make that mistake, biscuitshuckers.

The instruction manual warns the owner to “Being careful! Turn to fast for speed or accelerate could be falling from injury,” but that clearly doesn’t apply to the man who set a lap time at Laguna Seca so low that his entire family has been threatened with eternal damnation should it be revealed in any decade in which I am alive. So naturally I hit that thing harder than I hit yo’ mama’s sweet spot in my dreams last night. It became immediately apparent that the Senzou Happy just isn’t up to my level of mad skillz, but my knee and ankle are healing up nicely and I appreciate all the kind wishes on Facebook. Chickenbaggers.

Not that any of this matters, because journalism of every sort is dead. The whole once-noble profession has been reduced to a bunch of has-been hacks who can’t tell understeer from underwear tattooing “Destination: Large intestine” on their tongues and puckering up to the PR patsies so they can rack up their next hundred thousand frequent flier miles then toss off five hundred words at a dollar per to some four-color snot-rag that hasn’t been relevant since before Monica’s dress was stained. The world is nothing but a great big turd just waiting for God to wipe out those last few Klingons and hit the lever that will send the whole useless, pointless, soulless, shirtless mess round and round and down the drain of sweet, sweet oblivion. The day can’t come soon enough when the wretched stain of humanity is finally wiped out by the great eternal shot of Formula 409, because every last purposeless peon on this pathetic pansy-ass planet deserves nothing less. Pantsmanglers.

Of course, I mean everyone except for you, my faithful readers, who are the only people worthy of anything other than my utter disdain. Peace out, baconfarters!

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.

© Autoblopnik

OMG FAIL: Snarky List of the WORST cars of 2016!

By the Editors of a Major Car Magazine

Are you sick of all those “Best cars of the year” lists? Yeah, so are we! Actually we’re not, since our magazine writes most of them, but the very expensive consultants to whom we pay a lot of money told us that people use the Internet like snarky lists of things that fail! We then paid them even more money to explain what the word snarky means! So in an effort to appear more relevant to an audience we don’t understand, here is our…

OMG FAIL: SNARKY LIST OF THE WORST CARS OF 2016

Check out these cars you won’t want to drive EVER!!! You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

A Ford Explorer, yesterday

You Won’t Believe What Happened Yesterday, Yesterday

5. Ford Explorer

Why do we think the Explorer is OMG fail? Because it doesn’t have a manual transmission! We know the realities of the market, which are that less than 8% of American buyers want manual transmissions and desire is lowest in the large family SUV market, but our consultants said that Internet readers like manual transmissions so the Explorer not having a manual transmission is a hashtag FAIL! They also said that if we repeat the phrase manual transmission a lot we’ll do better in Google searches for manual transmission! Hashtag manual transmission! Hashtag save the manuals! Hashtag Google searches! Hashtag fail!

This Woman Upholstered Her Furniture With Cotton Candy And Sulfuric Acid – You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

4. Hyundai Sonata

The Sonata is a perfectly good family sedan, one worthy of praise and high reviews! Our consultants told us that Internet people don’t like to go with the mainstream! So we say the hashtag Sonata is a worst car ever OMG! From its mature styling to its sensible control layout to its roomy back seat and trunk, the Sonata is a COMPLETE OMG CAR FAIL WORST CARS! Hashtag Sonata! Hashtag mature styling!

There Could Be A Chinese Migrant Worker Beneath Your Keyboard – You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

OMG FAIL civic!

You Won’t Believe What You Won’t Believe, Yesterday

3. Honda Civic

Our consultants said we should feel free to go off on tangents and talk about things in our personal life! And not to worry about staying on topic! And to write in sentence! Fragments! So I have this horrible burning sensation when I urinate, and my doctor said have you had relations with anyone new! And I said no, I always hire ladies from the same corner! That counts, right! Speaking of which, hey Mercedes, when is our next press trip to Thailand? I’m feeling the urge! Hashtag urge! Hashtag sex offender registry! Hashtag never convicted! OMG WORST CIVIC HASHTAG!

You Can Put A Paperclip In Your Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich — You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

1. Nissan Titan X D

Diesels! The Internet Loves Diesels! Isn’t this article too long? Consultants say not to worry, Google likes 500 word articles but no one ever reads this far! They said just write whatever! Has this joke been beaten to death or what! All your base are belong to us! Someone set us up the hashtag bomb! I always liked Henry II better than Enzo! Hashtag repeat the keywords! Hashtag who says we don’t understand the internet, bitches!

Eleven Workers Killed In Tragic Pipeline Explosion – You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

STUFF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO CLICK ON OR THE BABY JAGUAR GETS IT IN THE LEG! YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT oh, fuck it, I can’t go on

You Won't Believe What Happened Yesterday, Yesterday

© Autoblopnik fail omg!

The 2016 Chicago Auto Show

The Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

The Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

About the Chicago Auto Show

The Chicago Auto Show was first held in 1871 and was the first publicly-accessible auto show in the world, though it was considered a failure as the automobile had not yet been invented. The show resurfaced late in the 20th century in Bloomington, Indiana, but attendance was poor as most people expected the Chicago Auto Show to be in Illinois. The show finally moved to the Windy City in 1901, and has been held there every year except 1954, when strong winds blew it into Aurora. It is the only auto show to run year-round, with a 51-week closure between Sunday and Friday.

Highlights from the 2016 Chicago Auto Show

Kia announced their plans to launch a hybrid vehicle that featured “stunning design” that was “strong and confident with subtly sculptured surfaces offset by robust styling cues.” They described this new hybrid as “a no-compromise vehicle that combines driving enjoyment with eye-catching design.” They then revealed the Niro. While we do not have official confirmation, we hope to see the vehicle they were talking about at the New York Auto Show.

The new Mercedes Power Voyager at the Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

The Mercedes Spritzer Workman at the Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

Chrysler unveiled the new Ram 2500 Power Wagon on a set of hydraulic jacks that showed off the new truck’s axle articulation. The Power Wagon was then driven down the steps and on to the show floor, proving once and for all that a Chrysler vehicle can drive at least thirty feet without parts falling off of it.

In honor of their new Pacifica minivan, Chrysler sponsored Snack Time. Show-goers were given their choice of sweets and beverages, and were told that if they didn’t stop hitting their sister right now, Chrysler would turn this show around and take them all straight home, so help me God!

Toyota started the Don Bufamanti fan club by giving out furry ear-flap hats that said “Turd Pro”. They also showed a Tacoma in a color called “cement”, with rumors circulating that anyone criticizing the truck would end up in cement as well.

Nissan unveiled a picture of the Titan pickup truck. Customers will be able to buy their own picture of a Titan pickup truck later this year. They also showed the latest version of their full-size armoire, which goes on patrol in the US later this year.

The new Nissan Titanic at the Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

The Nissan Titanic at the Chicago Auto Show, yesterday

Mercedes-Benz showed what appeared to be a large green metal building, until closer examination revealed that it had wheels. Rumor has it that the Sprinter Extreme has a four-cylinder engine; this could not be confirmed as anyone trying to examine the truck closely was killed and eaten by it. Mercedes also displayed a smaller version of the Sprinter intended as housing for workers.

Chevrolet unveiled the Camaro 1LE (pronounced “Camaro Wunnel”), which features a track-tuned suspension and blacked-out hood. The Camaro 1LE will be offered with a V6 engine for customers who want maximum performance without maximum performance.

Alson on the Chevrolet stand were Midnight Special editions of the Silverado and Colorado pickups. These trucks feature black paint, black wheels, a black bedliner and blacked-out trim, and are designed to be impossible to find in a poorly-lit parking lot at night.

© Autoblopnik