Following a narrow defeat in the 2014 Indy 500, Team Penske today announced that it will use Indiana’s newly-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act to ensure victory in the 2015 race.
“The current Indy 500 rules violate our religious beliefs,” said Team Penske spokesracer Kay Minsecond, “but up until now, we’ve never had any legal grounds on which to file an objection.”
Asked what rules Team Penske planned to object to on religious grounds, Minsecond said, “We feel the 2,200 cc limit violates our faith-based belief that there ain’t no replacement for displacement. Oh, and we also hold a deep religious conviction that none of our competitors should be able to race with wheels on their cars.”
The team plans to fit their cars with 6-liter triple-supercharged V12 engines producing approximately 3,000 horsepower, with Minsecond explaining, “That is what the Lord commanded us, and only us, to do.”
Minsecond says they also believe it is God’s intention that Andretti Motorsports should be locked out of their garages starting 48 hours before the race, and that they intend to carry out the Lord’s work by blocking all of the doors with large construction equipment. Asked why God might concern himself with such matters, Minsecond shrugged her shoulders and said, “The Lord works in mysterious ways, but we have faith.”
Team Penske’s legal expert Lee Galeckspurt says he believes the Religious Freedom Restoration Act will ensure victory for the team.
“Under the new law, IndyCar cannot compel us to race smaller engines, nor can they permit the other teams to install wheels and tires on their vehicles,” he explained to Autoblopnik. “To do so would place a substantial burden on our right to freely practice our religion,” which he described as “a little known branch of Protestantism.”
Republican state legislator Paul LaTition said he was pleased to see the law being put to good use.
“There’s a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation surrounding this new legislation,” he told Autoblonik. “The actions being taken by Team Penske illustrate what the law is all about: Ensuring that Big Government can’t interfere with the rights people of faith have to practice their deeply-held religious beliefs. That’s all. Well, that and keeping fags out of sports bars.”
Chaos and confusion reigned among American racing enthusiasts as a weekend race in France went on for an interminably long time.
American race fan Bubba Praisegod and his wife, Honeyboo, were vacationing in France and were caught in the middle of the maelstrom.
“We were just on our way back from Ver-sails, and we thought we’d stop and watch us an afternoon of racing,” Praisegod told Autoblopnik. “But after a couple of hours, there was no checkered flag. Three hours went by, then four. I turned to Honeyboo, and I said, ‘Honeyboo, honey, you’d better get us some more beers and a couple o’ plates o’ boeuf bourguignon, because I don’t think they’s fixin’ to stop any time soon.'”
“I told Bubba something was wrong when I saw they was turning left and right,” his wife added. “I said, ‘Bubba, this is some sort of weird socialist racing, and it ain’t gonna go right.’ I told him we should never have left Arkansas. But he wouldn’t listen to me. He never does.”
Back in the United States, American Jim-Bob Confederate found himself stuck at home for nearly a day when the race didn’t end.
“I was supposed to go fishin’ with my friend Billy-Bob after lunch,” Confederate said. “There was no NASCAR on, so I turned on this Frog race. And the sum’bitch just kept on goin’! Billy-Bob had to go fishin’ by hisself, and he fell out of the boat and drowned. Worst yet, I missed Father’s Day breakfast at the Waffle House with my pappy.”
“I think they was havin’ such a good time, they just didn’t want to stop,” said Praisegod, but Confederate thinks the length of the race has more sinister undertones.
“They had big ol’ lights on the front of their cars,” he told Autoblopnik as he doffed his CAT DIESEL baseball cap and scratched his testicles, “and you don’t do somethin’ like that unless you’re planning somethin’. Plus the announcer guy said they was racin’ hybrids, and if that don’t prove that this was some sorta liberal conspiracy, then my momma ain’t my aunt. Where was Obama when this whole thing was happening? The White House ain’t sayin’. We know what’s goin’ on. We ain’t as dumb as we sound.”