Elon Musk, Tesla’s Head of Everything, today says robots are to blame for the slow launch of the company’s highly anticipated Model 3.
“We have bunches of robots,” Musk said. “I mean, like, bunches and bunches and bunches. They all put down a thousand dollars for a car they’ve never seen, and now production is delayed and people are getting antsy, and being, all, like, hey, Tesla can’t make cars. Yes, robots are totally the problem.”
Musk clarified that while robots were at the root of the problem, they weren’t to blame. “It’s the haters that are the real problem,” he told Autoblopnik. “The robots themselves are fantastic. General Motors has been selling a $30,000 EV with a 238-mile range for a couple of years now, but our robots still obediently waiting for their Model 3s. That’s what’s so great about robots: They do exactly what you tell them to do.”
Contributing to the problem, Musk said, were robots elsewhere in the organization.
“The public relations robots have been a real problem,” an unbridled Musk continued. “I spout off something about building 25,000 cars a week, or selling a money-losing car for under thirty grand even when the federal subsidy runs out, or that the problem with Model X was that it was too complex and that the problem with the simplified Model 3 is that it is also too complex, and they just repeat it to anyone and everyone, without even thinking that I might be a crazyperson talking out of his ass.
“This is exactly what I meant when I said robots will destroy humanity,” Musk continued, despite the fact that no one asked him to do so. “The conveyors and complexity of the machine that makes the machine are too roadsterish for the sleeping bag of the fast Gigafactory ludicrous mode.”
Tesla’s public relations department refused to clarify Musk’s last remark, saying they were awaiting further programming.
As news broke that Tesla was about to undergo an SEC investigation in addition to a NHTSA probe into the safety of the Autopilot system, Tesla founder, CEO, blacklister and chief dreaming officer Elon Musk has asked that the company be given an exemption from both the rules under which automakers operate and general principles of reality.
“I’ve always felt the best way to run a company is to break all the rules,” Musk said. “But that’s proving to be harder than I thought, since everyone is such a stickler. So I was thinking that maybe they could just, y’know, not make the rules apply to us. Ignore us. Pretend we’re not here. You know, be all, like, ‘Hey, fellow rule enforcers, where’s Tesla?’ ‘Gee, I don’t know, I guess we can’t enforce the rules on them since we can’t see them.’”
Musk said he is also looking to exempt the company from reality in general.
“Aside from all these stupid rules and regulations, reality is proving to be our biggest obstacle,” Musk told Autoblopnik. “All these high expectations people have from Tesla, like delivering thoroughly engineered, carefully built cars with features that don’t imply that it’s okay to zone out and watch a Harry Potter movie while you are driving, they’re just getting in the way of what we are trying to do, which is save the planet, reduce our dependency on oil, and make me enough money to buy myself a small island in the South Pacific where I can draw spaceships all day and no one will bother me.”
Praised by its customers as an innovative and forward-thinking company, Tesla has been criticized by industry insiders for not following traditional development procedures, which has led to production delays, rampant quality problems, and, most recently, injuries and death.
“Tesla thinks they can out-smart the industry by ignoring the traditional business model and taking shortcuts in the development process,” said Karl Von Brauwitzer, industry analyzerist for Kelly Blue Balls. “But there’s a reason companies like GM and Ford do things the traditional way: It works.”
“Those so-called ‘industry experts’ are just a bunch of environment-hating, progress-averse poopyheads with cooties,” Musk said of his critics. “Just ask the people who don’t have a clue about how the automotive business works. They think we’re great.”
Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.
“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”
When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.
“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”
Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.
“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”
Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.
“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”
Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.
“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”
With “Tesla Model 3” becoming one of the fastest-trending search terms on the Internet, automotive web sites are struggling to feed readers’ appetites for information about the new car, no matter how trivial, pointless, or banal.
“We’ve published one hundred and fifty three stories about the Tesla Model 3, and the traffic just keeps growing,” said Georgian Pat, editor-in-chief for the newly-renamed Jaloptesla.com. “It’s all Tesla all the time, and we haven’t seen this many visitors since… er… well, I’m not sure, actually. Geez, I really should know these things. I’ve been editor for six months, and that makes me an old timer by our standards.”
“Whatever the guy from Jalopnik said,” said Austin Seven, editor-in-chief of Autobltesla.com.
Meanwhile, industry analysts explained the transformative effect the Tesla Model 3 is having on the Internet.
“Tesla Tesla Tesla, Elon Musk, Tesla Tesla,” said Karl Marks, chief anal cyst at Kelly Blue Tesla. “Tesla tesla, Model 3 Model 3 Model 3, keyword stuffing, Tesla Model 3 Tesla. Model 3 Tesla.”
Editors of car sites all over the Interwebs struggled to find unique content they could write about the Tesla Model 3, tackling such topics as what modifications Tesla might make to the Model 3’s front end and what type of pants are most appropriate to wear when driving a Model 3.
“Obviously, there are more newsworty topics we could cover, such as the reduction and eventual elimination of the Federal tax credit once Tesla sells 200,000 cars, or the dismal build quality of the Model S and X, or the questionable ability of Tesla’s customer service department to keep up with a ten-fold increase in customers,” said John Voelkswagen, senior citizen editor for High Tesla Media. “But that might get us shut out of the next Tesla reveal, and who wants to miss out on all the potential page views? Oh, and by the way, Tesla Model 3.”
Asked how long the Tesla Model 3 craze might last, Jatesla‘s Pat said, “At least until the production car finally goes on sale. So we’re probably looking at four or five years.”
The Internets are abuzz with speculation about the Tesla Model 3, which will be revealed tonight in a super-secret ceremony at an as-yet-to-be-disclosed confidential location somewhere in the vicinity of 3203 Jack Northrop Avenue in Hawthorne, California, take the 105 freeway to Crenshaw Ave. and turn right. Though the details remain confidential, we are able to speculate based on others’ speculations.
- Tonight’s reveal may not show the complete vehicle. This required a massive and expensive coordinated effort to contact all of the major dictionary publishers in order to change the definition of the word “reveal”.
- The entry-level Model 3 will have a base price of $35,000*.
* Batteries not included
- Thousands of people are literally lining up to put down a $1,000 deposit without knowing what the car will look like, what kind of range it will offer, or how much it will cost. This has led to a sharp rise in sales of the Brooklyn Bridge and beachfront property in Arizona.
- Tesla will give the first purchase options to existing Model S and Model X customers so they’ll have something to drive while their other cars are in the shop. Roadster owners can fuck off.
- Gigafactory 1, the Nevada plant that will build the car, is scheduled for completion in 2020, just in time for the Model 3’s scheduled introduction in 2017. Currently the factory is 14% complete, and it is expected that the first customer cars will be 14% complete as well.
- Of the Gigafactory’s 13 million square feet of space, at least 4 million square feet is expected to be dedicated to gaming, including baccarat, pai gow, and the loosest slots in the automotive industry.
- Given the Tesla owner profile—high satisfaction despite below-average quality—Tesla may announce an expansion into products such as hair plugs, anti-aging cream, and heroin.
- Elon Musk originally wanted to name the car the Model O so that the three model names would spell SOX, but this turned out to be a trademark owned by a baseball team in Illinois. He considered calling it Model A, but was stopped by the Selmer Horn Company. The car may still be called the Model U unless a competent public relations manager can be hired in time.
- The Model 3 lineup will eventually include a sedan, a 5-door hatchback, a 3-door hatchback, a coupe, a convertible, a compact SUV, a pickup truck, a small van, a large van, a flatbed truck, a cement mixer, a car carrier, a copy of the Encyclopedia International, a trip to Maui, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
- Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have never been seen in the same place at the same time, and Jobs had a closed-casket funeral. I’m just sayin’.
- P. T. Barnum was right: One per minute.
A Nebraska startup today revealed a new electric hypercar called the Ohm Resistor at the Costumer Electric Shoe (CES) in Las Vegas.
The company said that the production version of the Ohm Resistor will develop 25,000 horsepower at the wheels, enough to launch the car to 60 MPH in one-eighth of a second. Top speed will be just over one million miles per hour.
The announcement brought immediate comparison to the 1,000 horsepower Faraday Future concept car, also announced at the Consumption Electric Shock (CES), but Ohm spokesresistor Georg Simon was quick to point out that the Resistor is “a real car, not a concept,” and that the announcement of two electric hypercars “in no way marks the start of a flurry of electric-vehicle startups who rip off Tesla by naming their companies after long-dead scientists who had something to do with electricity.”
Sources in the industry say we can expect to see more high-performance electric vehicles from new startups during this auto show season, including the Ampere Current, the Coulomb Law, and the Gauss Fluxtheorem.
Mr. Simon said that he believed the Resistor would compare favorably with other electric cars, and that its performance would “make the Tesla curl up in a coil” and “put the Faraday in a cage.”
The interview was then terminated abruptly when our correspondent punched Mr. Simon in the throat.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG
Elon Musk today issued an open letter to Santa Claus, urging him to consider electric power for his sleigh.
“Reindeer emissions are at an all-time high,” Mr. Musk wrote in his letter. “It’s time for Mr. Kringle to stop using this outdated technology and turn to new, cleaner forms of power that will make the world a better place.”
The letter went on to say that since an electrically-powered sleigh would take some time to develop, Tesla would be pleased to sell ZEV credits to the North Pole in the meantime.
A spokeself for Jolly Old St. Nick told Autoblopnik that the North Pole had no intentions of changing a mode of power which has worked well for centuries.
“Of course we are always looking at alternative technologies,” the spokeself said. “But we’ve never considered batteries as a viable alternative. When your mission is to visit every single house on the planet in one single night, ‘range anxiety’ takes on a whole new meaning.”
Asked what, if anything, Mr. Musk would be getting for Christmas, the elf said, “I’m not at liberty to say what Little Elon will be getting, but I can tell you it’s made of substance that is frequently burned to power his electric cars.”
Elon Musk was among the forty-five signatories on an open letter to the California Air Resource Board, urging CARB to direct beleaguered pollution manufacturer Volkswagen to build more electric vehicles.
The letter suggested that instead of fixing the small number of diesel cars on the road in California, Volkswagen should be required to build more zero-emissions vehicles (ZEVs) than currently required. The letter also suggested that Volkswagen be allowed to buy additional ZEV credits to allow more time for development.
“Conveniently, Tesla sells ZEV credits to other manufacturers. In fact, selling ZEV credits is the only thing that makes the company profitable,” neither the letter nor Elon Musk said.
Volkswagen expressed relief at the contents of the letter.
“We’re very pleased that Elon Musk and his friends have told us the best way to run our business,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Hermann Van Agon. “We’ve been spinning our wheels since just after World War II, desperately waiting for someone to come along and tell us what to do. The Beetle, the Bus, the Golf, the GTI — people think these were brilliant products, but in fact they were all just lucky breaks. Now that Mr. Musk has spoken up, we can finally get on with the business of building proper cars.”
“All I want to do is make the world a better place,” Elon Musk told Autoblopnik during a quick break between nap time and macaroni painting. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t about Tesla. It’s about demanding that the automakers clean up our planet by making more electric cars. That way they won’t have to rely on companies like mine to sell them ZEV credits. Of course, that means we’d have to design a car that was actually profitable, and… er… oh, crap. Excuse me a minute. Linda? Hey, Linda? You didn’t mail that letter to CARB yet, did you?”
© Autoblopnik — Image © Rubberball/Corbis
Just one day after two stockholders demanded Tesla make “animal-friendly” cars that do not use leather, a second group of Tesla owners has asked the company to halt the use of children in the manufacture of their cars.
“It’s true that ground-up children are one of the many raw materials used in the manufacture of our electric propulsion system,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “However, children account for, at most, 0.06% of the content of each car by weight. We’re not talking about a significant amount of children here.”
LaSpokesperson said she could not give details on how the children are used, as they are part of a proprietary process that the company considers a trade secret. However, she did confirm that the ground-up children are a key element in Tesla’s ability to provide a significantly longer range than competing EVs while allowing relatively short charge times.
“Obviously, using ground-up children in our vehicles is not an ideal situation, but any successful car design is a series of compromises,” LaSpokesperson told Autoblopnik. “I can assure you that all of the children used in the manufacture of Tesla vehicles are organically fed and raised in a cage-free environment. Whenever possible, we use particularly annoying children who will not be missed very much. And while it is true that our manufacturing procedure requires the children to be alive and fully conscious during the grinding-up process, we do our best to keep suffering to an absolute minimum.”
Tesla’s Board of Directors has recommended that shareholders vote against building so called “child-friendly” cars, as they say it would add to costs and waste valuable development time that should be devoted to higher-priority projects, such as a device that will allow CEO Elon Musk to communicate directly with UFOs.
A representative from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has reportedly asked if the agency could work directly with Tesla to find alternative child-free methods to manufacture Tesla cars.
“We’ll look into it,” Musk said. “By the way, there’s a killer robot standing behind you.”