As news broke that Tesla was about to undergo an SEC investigation in addition to a NHTSA probe into the safety of the Autopilot system, Tesla founder, CEO, blacklister and chief dreaming officer Elon Musk has asked that the company be given an exemption from both the rules under which automakers operate and general principles of reality.
“I’ve always felt the best way to run a company is to break all the rules,” Musk said. “But that’s proving to be harder than I thought, since everyone is such a stickler. So I was thinking that maybe they could just, y’know, not make the rules apply to us. Ignore us. Pretend we’re not here. You know, be all, like, ‘Hey, fellow rule enforcers, where’s Tesla?’ ‘Gee, I don’t know, I guess we can’t enforce the rules on them since we can’t see them.’”
Musk said he is also looking to exempt the company from reality in general.
“Aside from all these stupid rules and regulations, reality is proving to be our biggest obstacle,” Musk told Autoblopnik. “All these high expectations people have from Tesla, like delivering thoroughly engineered, carefully built cars with features that don’t imply that it’s okay to zone out and watch a Harry Potter movie while you are driving, they’re just getting in the way of what we are trying to do, which is save the planet, reduce our dependency on oil, and make me enough money to buy myself a small island in the South Pacific where I can draw spaceships all day and no one will bother me.”
Praised by its customers as an innovative and forward-thinking company, Tesla has been criticized by industry insiders for not following traditional development procedures, which has led to production delays, rampant quality problems, and, most recently, injuries and death.
“Tesla thinks they can out-smart the industry by ignoring the traditional business model and taking shortcuts in the development process,” said Karl Von Brauwitzer, industry analyzerist for Kelly Blue Balls. “But there’s a reason companies like GM and Ford do things the traditional way: It works.”
“Those so-called ‘industry experts’ are just a bunch of environment-hating, progress-averse poopyheads with cooties,” Musk said of his critics. “Just ask the people who don’t have a clue about how the automotive business works. They think we’re great.”