Rolls-Royce Motor Cars plc Ltd. GmBH today announced that the sole Cullinan prototype was severely damaged in a freak accident.
“The sole Cullinan prototype was severely damaged in a freak accident,” announced Rolls spokesperson Colin H. Thimble-Bindlybarn St. Colin Victoria Colin Smythe-Colin XVII, OBE.
According to Sir Colin Smyth-Colin, the Cullinan prototype was inadvertently left atop a tree, out of which it promptly fell.
“We designed the Cullinan to withstand such an impact, naturally,” explained Sir Victoria, “only the damage was more severe than expected. It seems the tree out of which it fell was an ugly tree, and as you know, they stand rather tall compared to other trees, tish-tosh, wot?”
Lord Thimble-Colin added that upon closer inspection, Rolls-Royce engineer Colins discovered that the damage was more severe than originally thought.
“Normally we would expect only panel damage, old son, but there was scratching and even some gouging of the paintwork,” he explained. “It seems that the Cullinan struck every branch on the way down. Wot ho!”
In related news, Queen Elizabeth II announced plans to award Autoblopnik an Order of the British Empire for services rendered to the Crown by stretching an ancient one-line joke into a seven-paragraph odyssey.
“Wotcher, tish tosh?” added Her Majesty.
By Staff Writer
Are you writing car articles to boost your Google traffic and generate click-through to your revenue-sharing partners rather than to actually help consumers find vehicles that will suit them? Then you absolutely need to read about the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)! Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about cars. That’s not necessary when it comes to the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization. Keep reading to learn about the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)!
5. 2018 Honda Civic
With four doors, four wheels, and an engine, it’s no wonder the 2018 Honda Civic is such a popular car! With the 2018 Honda Civic, you can do all sorts of things, like take friends to the movies in your 2018 Honda Civic or go grocery shopping in your 2018 Honda Civic. You can even go out to a Broadway show in your 2018 Honda Civic! And with a starting price, the 2018 Honda Civic is as affordable as it is a 2018 Honda Civic!
4. 2018 Ford F-150
I know what you’re thinking. Why is the 2018 Ford F-150 on a list of the Five Best Cars for Search Engine Optimization (SEO)? The 2018 F-150 isn’t a car, the 2018 F-150 is a truck! Why, yes, you are right about the 2018 Ford F-150 being a truck, but you can use the 2018 Ford F-150 as a car, and best of all the 2018 Ford F-150 can do things an ordinary car can’t, like carry heavy things and tow trailers with your 2018 Ford F-150!
3. 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i
Our metrics show that people who click on these stupid articles never read past the second slide, except for my editor, who only reads the first and last one. Not that it matters because he wouldn’t know an Oxford comma from an Oxford shirt. As long as I write 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i a few times, it doesn’t matter what else I do. 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i. You know what I think is hot? Women in sweaters. Not tight ones, but baggy ones. You can’t tell what’s underneath. It’s like a mystery. If I ever lose my virginity, it’ll be to a woman who wears baggy sweaters. 2018 BMW 320i/330i/340i!
2. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300
2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C300 C-Class. How did my life sink this low? I have a journalism degree, for fuck’s sake. I should be working for Motor Trend. I’m way better than the bearded twit with the glasses. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300. I guess it could be worse. I could be writing rental car reviews for $25 a throw like that middle-age guy with the Jesus hairdo who still rides bicycles and falls off of them. 2018 Mercedes Mercedes-Benz C-Class C300. Fuck my life.
1. 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee
The 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee is like a car, but it does so much more, because the 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee is an SUV that can go off-road! That’s right, when you have a 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee, it doesn’t matter if the pavement ends, because the 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee can keep right on going. The 2018 Jeep Cherokee has seats, so it’s great for hauling luggage and groceries. And you’ll look really good in your 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee!
Following the stunning reveal of their made-up idea of what an Apple Car could conceivably look like should it ever actually begin to exist, Motor Trend Magazine said this is only the first of a series of what they refer to as “compelling and completely misleading efforts to prop up our flagging sales.”
“This is a brand-new direction for us,” said Motor Trend speculator-in-chief New Loh, speaking loudly so as to be heard over the sound of his soul being slowly sucked away. “While it’s true that Motor Trend has access to some of the most exclusive cars in the world, and has the facilities, budget and editorial talent to create exciting content that is well beyond the capabilities of most publications, we thought it would be better to just make shit up about cars we don’t really know anything about and tease it by implying that we have actual information.”
The Interwebs were abuzz with positive comments praising Motor Trend’s brave decision to promote the living crap out of what turned out to be speculative baloney.
“Zero facts and a waste of time,” enthused @BirdhouseShagger.
“Where’s the Unlike button so I can click on it a billion jillion zillion times?” praised @StudlyMinister69.
“i have a 2003 daihatsu salmon plague Edition need to replace the Airflow sensor for the left windscreen wiper do you know where i Can get one please email me at 4553 dung station road dibba al-hisin 45 sarjah uae thanks philip o’cocker,” posted @MicroPhilDubai.
After largely shredding their credibility with the online community, Loh said the magazine planned to open themselves to further ridicule by putting the speculative Apple Car on the cover of their June 2016 issue.
“We were hoping to compound the misery by including a DVD of that soul-sucking 29-minute video snoozefest we posted to YouTube,” Loh told Autoblopnik. “Unfortunately, we’ve been told that DVDs are considered an obsolete technology, much like printed magazines.”
Loh said that in the wake of the success of their Apple Car fiasco, the magazine is planning to create exclusive previews of other things that don’t exist, including Santa Claus’ elves, affordable personal jetpacks, a real-live unicorn, a cure for the common cold, an increase in Motor Trend subscriptions, and a sustainable business model for TEN, the magazine’s parent company.
Mitsubishi has announced that the subcompact Mirage will receive significant updates for the 2017 model year. The current version of the Mirage has met with sharp criticism in the automotive press, despite being named Best New Product of 2014 by Shitty Stuff Magazine.
“We haven’t just redesigned the Mirage,” said Maurice Fedora, chief spokesman and glutton for punishment at Mitsubishi cars. “We’ve taken an in-depth look at the way we design and engineer our vehicles and made some fundamental changes to the way we do business.
“For example, one of the major operational decisions we made was to insist that our chief designer actually design the Mirage’s new front fascia himself, instead of handing his four-year-old son a box of brightly-colored crayons and a drawing pad, as he did for the current version of the Mirage,” Fedora explained.
Besides the refreshed styling, the 2017 Mitsubishi Mirage will get revised suspension tuning and a more powerful engine.
“Our suspension engineer recalibrated the springs, dampers and sway bars based on real-world testing results,” he continued. “This differs greatly from the process he followed for the current car, which involved falling asleep at his desk and drooling into his keyboard.”
Automotive journalists frequently complained about the sluggish acceleration from the Mirage’s 74 horsepower three-cylinder engine.
“It turns out that our chief powertrain engineer was under the mistaken impression that he was only allotted 500 horsepower for his entire career, so he’s been trying to spread it out slowly,” Fedora explained. “Unfortunately, we’ve been unable to convince him otherwise, so the 2017 Mirage will only get four additional horsepower. We have, however, put the letters ‘GT’ on the trunk, which should help improve the Mirage’s 0-60 time to well under eight minutes.”
Fedora says he hopes that by explaining the reasons for the Mirage’s initial crappiness, he can clear up some misconceptions about the way the automotive industry works.
“A lot of people in the media think that when a car appears to have been designed by idiots, its shortcomings are in fact the result of many carefully-weighed decisions and compromises based on market trends and opportunities in specific segments,” he told Autoblopnik. “But that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes a car really is designed by idiots.”
BMW has announced that their first self-driving vehicle will go on sale early in 2016.
“Obviously several automakers have been working on autonomous driving, but a self-driving BMW must be somezing unique,” said BMWs’ Chief of Autonomous Engineering, Professor Herr Doktor Helmut Fahrt, Ing.
Dr. Fahrt, Ing., told Autoblopnik that several existing technologies were modified for use in the self-driving BMW.
“Our Active Cruise Control mit Stop and Honk had to be modified to drive less than 1 meter from the back bumper of the car ahead,” Dr. Farhrt, Ing., explained, “und ze Lane Departure and Varning System can detect not only the presence, but the type of lines in the road, so it can drive very slow when there is a double yellow line and then speed up to Warp Seven in ze passing zones.”
The autonomous BMW will feature a blind-spot detection system that only changes lanes when there is a car in the blind spot, along with an automatic parking system that detects parking spots that other people are waiting for. If the system is unable to steal a spot from someone else, it has a fail-safe mode that causes the car to park itself diagonally in a van-accessible handicapped spot.
“Zis is only the first generation of our autonomous car,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., said. “We are working on future developments that will better emulate the experience of driving a BMW. For example, occupants of autonomous cars do not need to pay attention to the other cars around them, so we are developing a system that alerts ze BMW occupants of perfectly nice drivers who are simply minding their own business trying to get from point A to point B. Zat vay ze BMW driver can take appropriate action, such as flipping these other drivers the bird or throwing a half-full coffee cup out the window so it splatters all over their windshield.”
“Ve are very excited to create an autonomous version of the Ultimate Driving Machine,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., concluded. “Ve are hoping ziss vill change ze perception of BMW owners as a bunch of elitist jerks who pay too much for cars engineered by people mit accents that are easy to make fun ov. Not that you’ll ever know, because a loser like you will never own a BMW.”
In an exclusive interview with Autoblopnik, BMW revealed their concern about a shift of their core audience away from the brand, which they call “douchebag drift”.
“Ten years ago, we had the douchebag market locked up,” said BMW spokesperson Dew Shbag. “Douchebags and BMWs went together like pedophiles and Chevy vans. But today’s market conditions are changing the buying patterns of the typical douchebag, and we have to find new ways to attract them.”
Shbag says a surprisingly large percentage of douchbags have migrated to the heavy-duty diesel pickup market.
“This is a tricky one for us, because these aren’t your traditional douchebags,” he explained. “A typical BMW-driving douchebag will drive right up your ass and then cut you off close enough to peel the paint from your front bumper. But the douchebags buying trucks are content to drive in the fast lane at exactly the posted limit or the speed of the car next to them, whichever is slower. These are people drive a giant vehicle that provides less interior space than a Toyota Yaris, and if you ask them why, they’ll say ‘Because fuck you, you fucking Obama-loving communist fucking foreigner socialist, that’s fucking why.’ This is a less-sophisticated, more laid-back sort of douchebag.”
Shbag says that traditional marketing methods may not work to bring these douchebags back to the BMW brand.
“We’d love to get more of these douchebags interested in BMWs, but it’s hard to write engaging advertisements at a third grade reading level,” he explained.
BMW’s marketing position is under attack in other countries as well as America, though Shbag says this isn’t much of a concern for BMW North America.
“In Europe, we’ve seen douchebags moving to other German brands, most commonly Audi,” Shbag said, “and we consider the introduction of the CLA 45 AMG a clear move on Mercedes’ part to get a better foothold in the douchebag market. But we’re mostly concerned with the US and Canada, where Mercedes sells to social-climbing phonies and Audi appeals to former Volkswagen owners with delusions of financial solvency, so we’re not too worried about our German competitors.”
According to Shbag, BMW is looking at expanding into market segments in which douchebags are not a significant part of the buyer base.
“One strategy is to extend our reach by making products that don’t appeal to our core douchebag buyers,” he said. “For example, we recently introduced our first two electric vehicles, the i3 and the i8. Electrics tend to appeal to pretentious twats rather than douchebags, which is a new market for us.”
Shbag says that no matter what happens, BMW will continue to cater to its core market.
“Yes, we’re exploring new roads, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to abandon our loyal buyers, which is why we offer products like the ten-MPG X6M and the 428i with badge-delete option,” he explained. “Rest assured that now and in the future, if you see a BMW, you can be pretty sure there’s a douchebag behind the wheel.”
Volkswagen today announced that they are expected to reveal that they will be introducing the premiere of a new special-edition car designed with Ferrari.
Based on the European-market city car, the UP!, the new vehicle will share several styling cues with Ferrari’s latest track-only vehicle, the FxxK.
As you can probably guess, the new vehicle will be called the FxxK UP!.
Standard equipment on the FxxK UP! will include air conditioning, rain-sensing wipers, and a year’s supply of blatantly obvious jokes about a Ferrari with a name so ridiculous that it hurts just to think about it.
In keeping with Ferrari tradition, an extremely limited number of vehicles the will be offered to an elite group of pre-selected Ferrari and Volkswagen owners who will not be allowed to drive the car on the public roads, private tracks, or even a couple of times up and down the driveway. The FxxK UP! will be priced at one trillion dollars, with a $0 down payment and nothing but your signature at the Volkswagen Sign Then Go Away event, so hurry on down to your Volkswagen dealer because these deals won’t last long!
Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.
“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”
Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.
“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”
Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.
Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”
While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”
Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”
Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.
“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.
P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.
Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”
In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.
“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.
“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”
Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”
Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”
Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.
As a follow-up to his controversial interview with GM CEO Mary Barra, Today Show correspondent Matt Lauer taped an interview with Mark Fields, soon-to-be CEO of Ford Motor Company, which is expected to air next week. Autoblopnik has obtained an exclusive transcript.
LAUER: Good morning, Mr. Fields, and thank you for joining us.
FIELDS: Thank you for having me, Matt.
LAUER: And congratulations on being named Ford Motor Company’s next CEO.
FIELDS: Thank you. It’s a real honor, and honor and a privilege.
LAUER: There’s been a lot of speculation as to why you were named Ford’s new CEO. Why do you think you got the job?
FIELDS: Well, you know, Matt, I’ve been with this company almost my entire working life. I’ve been asked to take on some major responsibilities, running brands like Mazda, Jaguar and Land Rover and Volvo when we owned them. Under Alan Mulally, I ran our North American operations, and it was great to be able to make some major changes under Alan’s leadership. I think the Board of Directors felt I was the person best qualified to build on the great work Al has done. And that’s really an honor. It’s daunting [laughs], but it’s an honor.
LAUER: I want to tread lightly here, but you’ve heard this. You’ve heard it on web sites and you’ve heard it on blogs. You got this job because you are hugely qualified, 25 years in this company, a variety of different jobs. But there are some people who are speculating that you got this job because of your awesome hair, because people within Ford knew that as a guy with awesome hair, you could present a better image for the company. Does that make sense or does it make you bristle?
FIELDS: Well, that’s absolutely not true, Matt. I believe I was selected for this job because of my qualifications, not my appearance.
LAUER: Okay, let’s move on. Ford has been under a lot of pressure, in the media and from consumers, because you’ve had to restate the fuel economy ratings for many of your cars. That’s been–
LAUER: –a real challenge for Ford.
FIELDS: Yes, it has.
LAUER: There are people who say that the best way to deal with this, to deal with the public relations fallout, is to have a CEO with awesome hair.
FIELDS: Well, Matt, I really don’t think that has anything to do with it. Mistakes were made, and we regret that, and we have done our best to find out how those mistakes were made so we can make corrections and improve the process. You can’t run an American car company without the trust and the confidence of the American people. It’s important that we have that, and we need to come clean and say “This is where we messed up” and get that trust back.
LAUER: Do you think you are in a better position to regain that trust because of your awesome hair?
FIELDS: I really don’t think that has anything to do with it, Matt. Obviously, that situation was foremost in the minds of Al and of our Board of Directors when they selected me as CEO. I think that I have proven that I could deal effectively with those situations, because I–
LAUER: Because you have awesome hair?
FIELDS: No, Matt, this has nothing to do with — this is about my qualifications, my track record. Go back to when we first got Jaguar and Land Rover, and we had to make changes, we had to turn around those brands and their brand images, and with Land Rover especially, we were able to build a strong image for that brand. And I take pride in that, the work that my team and I did to make that happen.
LAUER: But you had awesome hair when you were running those brands.
FIELDS: Matt, can we drop the thing about my hair? It’s really not relevant. And I really don’t–
FIELDS: I don’t like that you keep–
LAUER: Okay, let’s move on to a different subject. Let’s talk about the automotive bailouts. Ford was the only automaker to survive the economic crisis without relying on government loans.
FIELDS: Yes, and we’re very proud of that. We’re grateful that the government offered a lifeline, and we’re glad that Chrysler and General Motors took advantage of that, because having either of those companies fail would have been bad for our industry, but we’re proud that Ford was able to survive on its own.
LAUER: Do you think that had anything to do with your awesome hair?
FIELDS: Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this.
LAUER: Because the CEOs of GM and Chrysler did not have awesome hair. They had ordinary hair.
FIELDS: I’m done with this. This is ridiculous, you and Jalopnik and your fascination with my hair. I’m just — This is ridiculous. I’m out of here.
LAUER: Mark Fields, thank you for joining us this morning. Great to see you and your awesome hair.
FIELDS: Fuck you, Matt.
LAUER: Mark Fields, who this week takes the reins as CEO of Ford Motor Company. Back to you, Savannah.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Automatch Tom