Category: Low-hanging comedy fruit

Ferrari introduces new FxxK

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.

“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”

Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.

“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”

Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.

Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”

While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”

Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”

Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.

“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.

© Autoblopnik

P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.

Advertisements

Elon Musk predicts killer robots

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”

In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.

“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.

In a comment that was reportedly posted and then reportedly deleted from Edge.org, Musk reportedly went on to reportedly describe how a robot invasion might reportedly happen.

“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”

Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”

Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”

Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.

© Autoblopnik.com

Matt Lauer interviews Mark Fields

Tomorrow's Today interview, yesterday

Tomorrow’s Today interview, yesterday

As a follow-up to his controversial interview with GM CEO Mary Barra, Today Show correspondent Matt Lauer taped an interview with Mark Fields, soon-to-be CEO of Ford Motor Company, which is expected to air next week. Autoblopnik has obtained an exclusive transcript.

LAUER: Good morning, Mr. Fields, and thank you for joining us.

FIELDS: Thank you for having me, Matt.

LAUER: And congratulations on being named Ford Motor Company’s next CEO.

FIELDS: Thank you. It’s a real honor, and honor and a privilege.

LAUER: There’s been a lot of speculation as to why you were named Ford’s new CEO. Why do you think you got the job?

FIELDS: Well, you know, Matt, I’ve been with this company almost my entire working life. I’ve been asked to take on some major responsibilities, running brands like Mazda, Jaguar and Land Rover and Volvo when we owned them. Under Alan Mulally, I ran our North American operations, and it was great to be able to make some major changes under Alan’s leadership. I think the Board of Directors felt I was the person best qualified to build on the great work Al has done. And that’s really an honor. It’s daunting [laughs], but it’s an honor.

LAUER: I want to tread lightly here, but you’ve heard this. You’ve heard it on web sites and you’ve heard it on blogs. You got this job because you are hugely qualified, 25 years in this company, a variety of different jobs. But there are some people who are speculating that you got this job because of your awesome hair, because people within Ford knew that as a guy with awesome hair, you could present a better image for the company. Does that make sense or does it make you bristle?

FIELDS: Well, that’s absolutely not true, Matt. I believe I was selected for this job because of my qualifications, not my appearance.

LAUER: Okay, let’s move on. Ford has been under a lot of pressure, in the media and from consumers, because you’ve had to restate the fuel economy ratings for many of your cars. That’s been–

FIELDS: Yes.

LAUER: –a real challenge for Ford.

FIELDS: Yes, it has.

LAUER: There are people who say that the best way to deal with this, to deal with the public relations fallout, is to have a CEO with awesome hair.

FIELDS: Well, Matt, I really don’t think that has anything to do with it. Mistakes were made, and we regret that, and we have done our best to find out how those mistakes were made so we can make corrections and improve the process. You can’t run an American car company without the trust and the confidence of the American people. It’s important that we have that, and we need to come clean and say “This is where we messed up” and get that trust back.

LAUER: Do you think you are in a better position to regain that trust because of your awesome hair?

FIELDS: I really don’t think that has anything to do with it, Matt. Obviously, that situation was foremost in the minds of Al and of our Board of Directors when they selected me as CEO. I think that I have proven that I could deal effectively with those situations, because I–

LAUER: Because you have awesome hair?

FIELDS: No, Matt, this has nothing to do with — this is about my qualifications, my track record. Go back to when we first got Jaguar and Land Rover, and we had to make changes, we had to turn around those brands and their brand images, and with Land Rover especially, we were able to build a strong image for that brand. And I take pride in that, the work that my team and I did to make that happen.

LAUER: But you had awesome hair when you were running those brands.

FIELDS: Matt, can we drop the thing about my hair? It’s really not relevant. And I really don’t–

LAUER: Okay–

FIELDS: I don’t like that you keep–

LAUER: Okay, let’s move on to a different subject. Let’s talk about the automotive bailouts. Ford was the only automaker to survive the economic crisis without relying on government loans.

FIELDS: Yes, and we’re very proud of that. We’re grateful that the government offered a lifeline, and we’re glad that Chrysler and General Motors took advantage of that, because having either of those companies fail would have been bad for our industry, but we’re proud that Ford was able to survive on its own.

LAUER: Do you think that had anything to do with your awesome hair?

FIELDS: Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this.

LAUER: Because the CEOs of GM and Chrysler did not have awesome hair. They had ordinary hair.

FIELDS: I’m done with this. This is ridiculous, you and Jalopnik and your fascination with my hair. I’m just — This is ridiculous. I’m out of here.

LAUER: Mark Fields, thank you for joining us this morning. Great to see you and your awesome hair.

FIELDS: Fuck you, Matt.

LAUER: Mark Fields, who this week takes the reins as CEO of Ford Motor Company. Back to you, Savannah.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Automatch Tom

Support Autoblopnik and Sniff Petrol — Buy this funny book

GM, Toyota introduce new safety concept vehicle

The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, yesterday

The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, yesterday

General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.

“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.

At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.

“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”

The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.

© Autoblopnik

Toyota cancels redesigned Corolla

A Toyota Corolla, yesterdzzzzzzz

A Toyota Corolla, yesterdzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Toyota announced today that it has canceled plans to introduce a redesigned Corolla for the 2014 model year, and will instead continue to sell the current model indefinitely.

“We sold 290,000 Corollas in 2012, a 50,000 unit increase over model year 2011,” explained Toyota spokesmodel Moe Lester. “Clearly, the Corolla is still in demand. While we know this decision will disappoint a lot of people, especially Toyota employees and dealers, we have to go where the market takes us.”

Toyota has been showing a thinly disguised prototype of the next-generation Corolla, called the Corolla Furia concept, on this year’s auto show circuit. Automotive journalists, who have described the current Corolla as “dated,” “behind the times,” and “pathetic,” have lauded the Furia concept, calling it “not dated,” “not behind the times,” and “not pathetic.”

“No question, the Corolla Furia would have been a huge improvement over the current Corolla,” Lester told Autoblopnik. “Are we disappointed in our own decision? A bit, yes. Building a compact sedan with the personality of a house plant gets very old very quickly, especially when the rest of the industry has moved on and we’re still stuck in the year 2003. But there is still a large segment of sad, boring people who want a sad, boring car, and at the end of the day, we’re in business to make money.”

According to Lester, Toyota had established marketing deals for the redesigned Corolla with companies like Urban Outfitters, Whole Foods, and Apple Computer.

“Unfortunately, we had to scrap those,” he explains. “But we do have some exciting co-branding opportunities with Jo-Ann Fabric Stores, Bayer Aspirin, and the Kansas Department of Tourism.”

Lester says that Toyota will continue to build the current-generation Corolla “until demand dries up or until every last Toyota employee commits suicide in order to escape the mind-numbing dreariness of our cars, whichever comes last.”

© Autoblopnik