BMW has announced that their first self-driving vehicle will go on sale early in 2016.
“Obviously several automakers have been working on autonomous driving, but a self-driving BMW must be somezing unique,” said BMWs’ Chief of Autonomous Engineering, Professor Herr Doktor Helmut Fahrt, Ing.
Dr. Fahrt, Ing., told Autoblopnik that several existing technologies were modified for use in the self-driving BMW.
“Our Active Cruise Control mit Stop and Honk had to be modified to drive less than 1 meter from the back bumper of the car ahead,” Dr. Farhrt, Ing., explained, “und ze Lane Departure and Varning System can detect not only the presence, but the type of lines in the road, so it can drive very slow when there is a double yellow line and then speed up to Warp Seven in ze passing zones.”
The autonomous BMW will feature a blind-spot detection system that only changes lanes when there is a car in the blind spot, along with an automatic parking system that detects parking spots that other people are waiting for. If the system is unable to steal a spot from someone else, it has a fail-safe mode that causes the car to park itself diagonally in a van-accessible handicapped spot.
“Zis is only the first generation of our autonomous car,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., said. “We are working on future developments that will better emulate the experience of driving a BMW. For example, occupants of autonomous cars do not need to pay attention to the other cars around them, so we are developing a system that alerts ze BMW occupants of perfectly nice drivers who are simply minding their own business trying to get from point A to point B. Zat vay ze BMW driver can take appropriate action, such as flipping these other drivers the bird or throwing a half-full coffee cup out the window so it splatters all over their windshield.”
“Ve are very excited to create an autonomous version of the Ultimate Driving Machine,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., concluded. “Ve are hoping ziss vill change ze perception of BMW owners as a bunch of elitist jerks who pay too much for cars engineered by people mit accents that are easy to make fun ov. Not that you’ll ever know, because a loser like you will never own a BMW.”
In an exclusive interview with Autoblopnik, BMW revealed their concern about a shift of their core audience away from the brand, which they call “douchebag drift”.
“Ten years ago, we had the douchebag market locked up,” said BMW spokesperson Dew Shbag. “Douchebags and BMWs went together like pedophiles and Chevy vans. But today’s market conditions are changing the buying patterns of the typical douchebag, and we have to find new ways to attract them.”
Shbag says a surprisingly large percentage of douchbags have migrated to the heavy-duty diesel pickup market.
“This is a tricky one for us, because these aren’t your traditional douchebags,” he explained. “A typical BMW-driving douchebag will drive right up your ass and then cut you off close enough to peel the paint from your front bumper. But the douchebags buying trucks are content to drive in the fast lane at exactly the posted limit or the speed of the car next to them, whichever is slower. These are people drive a giant vehicle that provides less interior space than a Toyota Yaris, and if you ask them why, they’ll say ‘Because fuck you, you fucking Obama-loving communist fucking foreigner socialist, that’s fucking why.’ This is a less-sophisticated, more laid-back sort of douchebag.”
Shbag says that traditional marketing methods may not work to bring these douchebags back to the BMW brand.
“We’d love to get more of these douchebags interested in BMWs, but it’s hard to write engaging advertisements at a third grade reading level,” he explained.
BMW’s marketing position is under attack in other countries as well as America, though Shbag says this isn’t much of a concern for BMW North America.
“In Europe, we’ve seen douchebags moving to other German brands, most commonly Audi,” Shbag said, “and we consider the introduction of the CLA 45 AMG a clear move on Mercedes’ part to get a better foothold in the douchebag market. But we’re mostly concerned with the US and Canada, where Mercedes sells to social-climbing phonies and Audi appeals to former Volkswagen owners with delusions of financial solvency, so we’re not too worried about our German competitors.”
According to Shbag, BMW is looking at expanding into market segments in which douchebags are not a significant part of the buyer base.
“One strategy is to extend our reach by making products that don’t appeal to our core douchebag buyers,” he said. “For example, we recently introduced our first two electric vehicles, the i3 and the i8. Electrics tend to appeal to pretentious twats rather than douchebags, which is a new market for us.”
Shbag says that no matter what happens, BMW will continue to cater to its core market.
“Yes, we’re exploring new roads, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to abandon our loyal buyers, which is why we offer products like the ten-MPG X6M and the 428i with badge-delete option,” he explained. “Rest assured that now and in the future, if you see a BMW, you can be pretty sure there’s a douchebag behind the wheel.”
Conservative car blog DrivingOnTheRight.com has published an editorial suggesting that the new 4-series coupe’s disappointing performance was prompted by instructions to the company from the Obama Administration.
In an editorial titled “Why does the 4-Series suck? Ask Obama!“, editor Phil Uvschidt wrote, “How could a car like the BMW coupe could go from being so good to so bad, so quickly? Liberals will say it’s because corporations are inherently lazy, evil and complacent… But to a sane Conservative, the idea that BMW could suddenly forget how to make a good car is beyond belief. BMW is a for-profit company with obligations to its stockholders, not a government-run bureaucracy with its handouts and its taxes. No, the answer is clear: Obama (or more likely one of his bagmen) put in a call to BMW.”
Autoblopnik asked Uvschidt if he had documentation or other proof that the Obama administration contacted BMW with instructions to alter the 4-series.
“No, but it’s bad, so of course Obama did it,” Uvschidt replied. “Do you know he refused to hand over his tax returns? What kind of lying sack of shit does that? I’ll tell you: A lying sack of shit that’s lying. Oh, wait, that wasn’t him… well, it doesn’t matter. Obama still sucks and he’s a Muslim that wasn’t born here and wants to take money from rich people and uses it to burn down nuns and buy stem cells from the Chinese.”
The White House did not return Autoblopnik‘s request for comment, but Mr. Uvschidt was only too pleased to add more of his own.
“Of course the liberals will say I’m crazy,” he said, “but you mark my words: In three years, when Baracula Obammunist is out of office, there will be a facelifted 4-Series that will be even better. Then we’ll know.”
Related: BMW reveals 428i Asshat Edition
Autoblopnik.com brings you the latest updates for the 2014 model year.
MDX: Redesigned, now with an infotainment suite that only requires a masters degree in electronics engineering, rather than a Ph. D.
RLX: All-new model with a V8 engine and rear-wheel-drive. Whoops, sorry, that belongs in the article “What Acura should do for 2014 if they want to sell cars.”
TSX: Billed as all-new from the ground up. Actually unchanged from 2013, but since Acura didn’t sell any last year, no one will know the difference.
3-Series: Now available as a wagon with a 4-cylinder diesel engine, causing auto writers to spill more seed than topless photos of Danica Patrick.
4-Series: Replaces the 3-Series coupe. Analysts expect sales to drop slightly due to high number of current 3-Series owners who cannot count that high.
6-Series: New four-door Gran Coupe model joins the lineup in response to a $20 bet BMW made with Mercedes that they could introduce a vehicle that makes no sense with a name that completely breaks their nomenclature, and still find a few thousand suckers to buy it.
X1: New undersized, overpried CUV that BMW expects will repeat the success of the 1-Series.
LaCrosse: A large-print speedometer is now optional in all models, and the CXL gains a standard Geritol dispenser.
Regal GS: In order to reduce the effects of torque steer, buyers can opt for either all-wheel-drive or having a group of Buick employees repave all the roads in your neighborhood so they curve slightly to the left.
More 2014 updates coming soon… but probably not soon enough.
BMW today took the wraps off the first special edition of the upcoming 4-series coupe, the 428i Asshat Edition.
Aimed at traditional 3-series coupe buyers, the 428i Asshat Edition features gloss black or flat gray paint, a lowered suspension, 30″ chrome-clad alloy wheels rims with 255/10R30 Toyo Spine Destroyer tires, 5,000 watt stereo with quadruple subwoofers, deep-tinted windows that automatically open when the stereo volume is above 30%, and a Smoker’s Package. Turn signals have been eliminated, as they are considered unnecessary by the 428i Asshat Edition’s target buyers.
The 428i Asshat Edition will be powered by the same 240 horsepower turbocharged 4-cylinder found in the 328i, but will feature the buyer’s choice of “435i” or “M4” trunk badges. Options include Radick Cruise Control, which detects cars in the left lane, blows past them on the right, then resumes a speed 2 MPH slower than however fast that car was going.
The 435i Asshat Edition will be available exclusively to single male customers under the age of 35 on a 24-month lease with monthly payments of $799 or 2/3rds of the lessor’s Home Electronics Superstore paycheck, whichever is greater.