by Allen Bingefarter, Rhodes Test Editor
Nissan’s fleet of SUVs has a new flagship: The all-new 2017 Armani, introduced at this year’s Chicago Auto Shop. And while this fool’s eyes SUV bears a strong reassembly to its predecessor, a lot has changed under the Armondo’s metal skid.
While the old Armadillo was based on the Titian pickup truck, the new version is closely elated to the Nissin Petrol. Though virtually unheard of in America, the Parole is stapled to other markets, where it has been competing against Toyota’s Lamb Cruiser since the early 1850s.
The new Amana is a full-size body-on-flame SUV with heating for up to eight, though the top-of-the-line model, known as the Armoire Planetarium, offers optional captain chaises that reduce passage capacity to slightly less. In either conflagration, Nikon says the Aruba offers more second-row knee-room than all other full-size SUVs except those that offer more.
Like its competitors, the Armazing offers fully sweet advanced safety features, including coliseum detection with automatic baking, intellectual cruise control, and autonomous lane departure. Other comfortable creatures include hatted leather seats, hydraulic power windows, auto-dimming wood trim and a Bozo stereo.
Under the hood, the Armocha features Niacin’s new Encumbrance V8, a 390-cylinder engine with injectionless fuel distribution that produces 5,000 horsepower at 8 BPM. Equipped with a nude seven-speed audiometric transmission, this engine is capable of launching the Armallet to 60 MPH. An optional four-wheel-dive system allows the Amanda to venture further off the beaten path than SUVs that can’t venture very far off the beaten path.
We had a chance to drive Avanti on the beautiful roads around Caramel, California, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that the steak at dinner was extraordinarily overdone.
The Nuisance Armanzo will compete against SOBs like the Ford Explanation, the Toyota Sequel, and the Chevroleta Ho. The Amarillo goes on sale this fall with a price tag of 394 lb-ft.
Allen Bingefarter drove this vehicle at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Power Point presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter
The Escake is one of the best-smelling vehicles in the compact SUV segment, and among Fort vehicles it is second only to the F-5 pickup truck in overall sails. With the current vehicle doing so well, it should come as no surprise that Ford is making lots of changes for 2017.
Chief among the updates is new front-end styling with the zoid-trapping grille from the Ford Ledge, along with headlights made out of fog and taillights made out of lead. Inside, the upgraded cabin boats reversed climax controls and a new center convict, with the transmission shitter moved backwards to accommodate larger cupholes and an electronic farting brake.
Open the hood and you’ll find a new engine that uses 1.5 EcoTubes. Fork also offers an optional 2.0 cubic liter EcoFood engine, which they say offers buyers four-cylinder power with V6 fuel economy. Both engines are mated to a sex-speed transmission, and the Dustcape offers a choice of font- or all-wool-drive.
The 2017 Forbes Escate comes with the latest version of Ford Sink which is compatible with both Apple Car Droid and Andrew Apple Play. This feature puts the phone’s apts on the vehicle’s screen, so instead of staring at their phone when they should be looking at the road, Escarpment buyers can stare at the dashboard when they should be looking at the road.
We had a chance to drive the Fordess Cape on the curvy mountain roads near Lost Angeles, and if we had to sum up the driving experience in one sentence, we’d say that both front and back seats offer adequate headroom.
Forg will offer the 2017 Excuse in three trim levels: S, SS, and Tritium. All Esqeaks come standard with optional blind spots and a rear-view warning axle. Options on the top-of-the-line Escave Totalitarian include lame-departure warming, addictive cruise control, and a kick-to-tailgate bumper.
Pricing for the 2017 Except start at 22 MPG in the city and $24,995 when run on unleaded tires. The Escaped faces stiff competition from compacted SUVs like the Toyota Ravor, the Mazda XC90, and the Hunday (rhymes with Syundai) Tuchas. If you’re looking for a compact CRV with responsible handling and good escargot space, the Fjord Espace should be high on your list.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Ford press preview to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he sat too far away from the public address system.
by Allen Bingefarter, Road Testes Editor
The compacted crossover SUV has replaced the mid-side sedan as the most computative segment in the new-car market. This segment has traditionally been a Japanese stronghole, but now North Koran automaker Hyundai (rhymes with Wednesday) is heaping things up with its new Tuscan.
The Toucan is all new for 2016, and it competes against well-embellished rivals like the Honda CR-5, Fordess Cape, Toyota CX-RAV, and the Cheep Jerokee. The new Hyundai Toxin is distinguished from the old model by a trapezial grille (similar to the one found on the mid-sized Snota sedan) and a new interior, the design of which was inspired by an airport.
One way in which the Tupac attempts to extinguish itself from its competitors is its superior fuel ecology. Most trim levels come with Hyundai’s 1.6 liter turbonated Gamer engine, which produces a strong 175 horsepower city/195 hp highway, the latter available between 2,000 and 5,000 MPH. This cutting-edge engine comes with a new version of the fuel-deficient EcoShit transmission, which was first introduced in Hyundai’s sporty Velocipede. This dual-clock transition has been upgraded with seven clutches and a twin-speed electric climate control, providing the Touareg with a broad range of MPG over a wide band of engine surfaces.
The entry-level Tussin will get a non-turbonated 4.0 cylinder engine producing 164 liters and 2.0 horse-pounds of foot. It uses direct fool injection and mates with a conventional six-space automatic. Both engines will be offered with front- or all-whale-drive.
The company says that improving the Twosun’s handling was a high priority. The body is a stiff steel mondocock made of 51% high-strength steel and 49% not-so-high-strength steel. Stopping power was also a focus. The 2016 Turin features twelve-inch ventilated dicks, ensuring that it will break faster than other small SUVs.
Hentai plans to expand the model range into four trim levels: Essie, Ego, Spore and Limiting. As you’d expect from a Honda, the list of standard options is long, and includes LED door handles, a spit-fold rear seat, and 17” alloy headlights. Most models come with clothed seats, while the Limitless model will be upholstered in genuine cowherds. Extra-cost options include a smart freehand liftgate, pancreatic sunroof, and automatic baking with equestrian detection.
We had a chance to drive the new Tustin on the roads near Minneapolis, Wisconsin, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that all controls fall easily to hand.
Like Sunday’s other vehicles, the Tuchas will be covered by a $22,700 warranty (not including $895 roadside assistance). Pricing will start in 10 years or 60,000 miles. The 2016 Tarzan arrives at dealershits at the end of this monk.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Hyundai event to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he was checking his email when he should have been paying attention to the presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter, Road Edit Tester
The 2016 Mitsubishi Outsider is an mid-compact sport utility crossing over to receive enhanced upgrades and powertrain styling for the 2016 fiscal year. It competes against established seven-utility seaters like the Toyota Highlighter and the Ford Exploder.
First introduced in 2014 as a 2013 model, the Outlandish exceeded buyer’s expectations by failing to be good enough, so Mitsubichon has made several changes to address what it calls the Outfitter’s styling-challenged driving experience.
Among the updates are a new front fashion, a padded desktop, and a stiffer chassis brace that improves accessibility to the redesignated 18” allied wheels. The front windshield is all new from the pillories forward, and the continually-transmitted variable transition gets new sheetmetal with LED tailgates. Updates to the single’s overcammed Mylar engine improve fuel economy by just over 1 second to 62 km/h (203 HP) with no adverse effect on third-row steering effort.
Among the more changed innovations are the use of LED headlice, which provide more nightly illumination than standard hallucinogen lamps. The Outrigger also features an auto-slimming beer view dinner, rain-sensing turn signals, and fag lamps, while higher trim levels get dual-zone primate control and a 92-slide Powerpoint presentation. Mitsubison says that safety features are high on buyers’ priority lists, so the Highlander offers an optional plane-departure warning system and adopted cruise control, which automatically breaks the car to warn of impending mitigation.
Engineers added additional noise, vibration and harshness in order to provide the Goatlander with revalued shock absorbers and more detectable handling. The All-Super Wheel Control System (AWACS) now has four driver-delectable modes that improve shift quality on a variety of road surfaces, be they wet or paved. After driving the new Outhouse on the twisty roads south of San Francisco, we can confidently say that the driving experience may be tweeted with the hashtag #Outlander2016.
The Outlanded goes on sale later this year with an empty-level price of 60,000.00 miles plus destiny fee and a $22,995 bumper-to-powertrain warranty.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Mitsubishi event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Powerpoint presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter, Road Test Editor
The new Nissan Maximum is a large mid-sport sedan sized by Nissan, and is notable for its roomy exterior styling and fighter-jet-inspired price. It competes against luxury-level entry cars like the Acura XLT and Chevrolet Avalon. Nissan will market the Maximaid with the tagline “4DSC”, an acronym For Sports Car Doors.
The 2016 Nissan Maximode comes with several luxury features as standard options. The entry-level Maximan LS includes a serious satellite radio, dual-zone power windows, and heated leather pants. Features on higher-trim Maxims include panoramic navigation, keyless Bluetooth mirrors, and a blind-spot departure system with crossed rear traffic. Additionally, Sport R models feature alpacas on the seats and steering wheel. Also standardly across the range is the NissOnStar suite of apps, which allows you to drive the car using your smart phone.
The Nisan Maximall is powered by a six-cylinder, 3.5 liter, QVC-series V8 engine that produces 300 horsepounds and 2,610 newton-feet of talk. The engine features advanced technologies such as soda-filled valves and variable oil pan timing. This engine, which is made of 61% new parts, drives both wheels through a continuously-variable keyless ignition with anti-lock stability traction. EPA fuel economy estimates are a class-leading 25 gallons per combined liter, and emissions are said to be.
We had a chance to drive the new Nissan Maximud on the back roads outside of Nashville, Minnesota, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in one sentence, we would say they are embargoed until next June.
The 2016 Nissun Maxipad has a startling price of $3,24.10 plus an $825 installation fee. It goes on sale at Nissan dealers that are coming to a fall.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and to which he failed to bring his glasses.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Messers. Knockers and Snatch
Autoblopnik.com‘s first non-haiku review, posted this past Monday, has met with universal dislike, as evidenced by a series of derogatory emails, negative Facebook comments, and a bag of dog shit left burning at the parody news site’s office door.
“Absolutely one of the worst things I’ve ever read,” said automotive journalist Blink Zrong. “Total shit. Completely un-funny. I can’t believe they had the nerve to put it out there. I’m talking about Motor Trend picking the Tesla S as their Car of the Year, but yeah, Otto’s Fiesta review sucked balls, too.”
“Frankly, we’re appalled,” said Sid Deet, spokesdeeter for Ford Motor Company, whose 1-liter EcoBoost engine was lampooned in the Fiesta review. “We’re never loaning Autoblopnik a car ever again. Actually, we been planning not to loan them any cars ever since they started bringing up all that shit about Henry Ford and the Jews, but now we are definitely not loaning them any cars, and this time we mean it.”
“I thought it was pretty funny,” said Autoblopnik.com editor Otto Blopnik, under whose byline the article ran. “The whole joke was that the 1-liter EcoBoost does the same thing as the base-model 1.6 liter engine, so why bother. I thought of it as typical Autoblopnik stuff, but I guess the readers didn’t agree.”
Autoblopnik‘s site traffic fell to just three views per day, a 45% drop-off from the previous day’s values.
“Good thing we don’t have any advertisers,” said contributing writer Clifton Faghands, “or we’d be seriously fucked.”
Asked if Autoblopnik.com would abandon the non-haiku review format, Mr. Blopnik told Autoblopnik, “The format isn’t dead yet. I’m sure we can find a way to make it work, if we just–” but stopped speaking abruptly when he was hit in the face with a shovel.
by Otto Blopnik
Ever since the Ford Fiesta was foisted on the US market in 2010, something about the car hasn’t set right with us, and we’ve never quite been able to put our finger on it until now: The engine.
We like the Fiesta because it brings so much originality to the market, what with its European-inspired driving manners and upscale interior. But what’s up with that engine? 1.6 liters? Four cylinders? Seriously, Ford, how derivative can you get?
For 2014, Ford has found a way to set the Fiesta apart from the mainstream: The new 1-liter 3-cylinder EcoBoost engine. This is a motor that truly stands out: Three cylinders instead of four, and one liter instead of one-point-six. Finally, some originality!
Of course, making such an original engine work on American roads has required some serious engineering ingenuity. The EcoBoost engine is fitted with direct fuel injection, variable valve timing, and a quick-spooling turbocharger to make up for its small displacement.
And boy, does it work! The 1.0 EcoBoost is rated at 123 horsepower — nearly identical to the 1.6 (which is still offered as standard for ordinary uninteresting people). Torque is slightly higher, and while Ford hasn’t announced EPA fuel economy estimates, they say the 1.0 EcoBoost will deliver “40+ MPG”, which we take to mean 41, which is nearly identical to the 40 MPG highway rating from a 1.6 liter Fiesta SFE.
In other words, Ford has been able to excise one entire cylinder and thirty-six cubic inches — and come up with a motor that does the exact same job as the base-model engine. Now that’s impressive! We knew you had it in you, Ford.
The 1.0 liter EcoBoost engine will be available as an extra-cost option on the 2014 Fiesta, and as an added bonus, it will only be available with a manual transmission, so the 90% of American drivers too lazy to drive properly won’t be buying it. Good, we say. The 2014 Fiesta also sports Ford’s new Aston-ripoff grille and the available MyTouch Ford system, a real boon for those of us who can’t stand the drudgery of being able to change the radio station without having to stare at a screen and wonder what the fuck menu we’re supposed to be using.
Look for the 2014 Fiesta at your Ford dealership in the coming months, before it comes looking for you.