LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.
More new-model-year news, the way it ought to be.
ACCENT: Regains the title of America’s least expensive car. The new $9,995 Accent Tightass Edition eliminates the back seats, front seats, engine, transmission, doors, glass, wheels, suspension, brakes, and every other single part of the car, but includes a 10 year/100,000 mile warranty.
GENESIS COUPE: Renamed “Tiburon Coupe” in order to eliminate confusion with the Genesis Sedan.
GENESIS SEDAN: Renamed “Tiburon Sedan.” Oh, wait. Shit.
SONATA: New standard equipment a magical horse and gold-plated lawn furniture. Whoops, sorry — we’ve used that joke before.
Q-SERIES: An all-new model that replaces the Q-SERIES, featuring a 3.7 liter transmission, 8-speed V6 differential, and a steer-by-wire braking system.
Q-SERIES: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and the seats get upgraded leather.
QX-SERIES: See Q-SERIES. Not that Q-SERIES, the other Q-SERIES.
CREDENZA: New full-size model, comes with a matching hat rack and umbrella stand.
FORTE: Restyled to address complaints that it didn’t look nearly enough like a Hyundai Elantra.
OPTIMA: In order to improve road feel, the steering wheel now actually connects to the front wheels.
SORENTO: Interior has been downgraded with cheaper materials and inferior plastics. A memo has been sent to Peter Schreyer reminding him that he no longer works for Audi and he that he had better fucking well stop spending money on the products as if he does.
More of what’s new for 2014… or at least what ought to be new for 2014.
FXX: New terms of sale: Owners pay $3.4 million to buy the car and are allowed to look at it once every three months, but only at Ferrari’s secret garage in Modena*. If they can find it.
* Modena, New Jersey.
LA FERRARI: Unchanged, to be supplemented with a significantly larger sedan called Alliance and a hatchback version called Encore.
FIESTA: Redesigned with an Aston-Martin grille (amazing how many of these they still have, even all these years after the sale) and a one-liter turbocharged three-cylinder engine that no one in the media is ever going to get to drive in production form. Also available in a high-performance version called the St. Fiesta.
FOCUS: Unchanged. Next year, Europe will get an all-new Focus while America will get the same basic car for the next five years, restyled to look extra stupid.
FUSION: The 1.6 liter EcoBoobs engine has been recalibrated so as not catch fire until after the warranty runs out.
F-150: Now available in a new How Do You Like Them Apples Edition, commemorating the fact that even though RAM and Chevy pickups have been completely redesigned for 2014, the five-year-old F-150 still outsells them.
TAURUS SHO: The cupholders have been enlarged to hold a 44 oz Huge Fucking Gulp soda, and the steering wheel gets flat spots for the driver to rest his Triple Bypass Bacon Cheeseburger. An “I Don’t Trust The Liberal Media” bumper sticker is now standard.
ACCORD: The Blind Spot camera will be augmented with a Driver Portrait camera, so owners can see for themselves that smug expression that makes Accord drivers so fucking annoying.
CIVIC: Redesigned once more, this time with crease-free sheetmetal, taillights shaped like Paula Abdul’s ankles, and an interior upholstered in velcro and yak fur. Note that this version has already been deemed a failure and yet another redesign is scheduled for 2015. And 2016. And 2017.
ODYSSEY: The sheet metal stamping presses have finally been repaired so they can get rid of those silly zig-zag lines in the body sides.
RIDGELINE: Unchanged, and will remain so until Honda sells out of the last batch they built in 2009. We expect this to happen shortly before the next ice age.
Autoblopnik.com presents more new product news you won’t find anywhere else… thank goodness.
CAMARO: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and all Camaros now come with a prescription for anti-depressants to help owners deal with the interior, which is as dark and dreary as ever.
CORVETTE: Redesigned for 2014, now called Corvette Stingray. We recommend the “Not A Cliche Yet” edition, which will only be available for six months.
IMPALA: All-new for 2014. A check made out to Consumer Reports is standard equipment.
MALIBU: Redesigned to address the faults of the 2013 model, with updated the exterior styling, improved back seats, and revised engine, transmission and suspension calibrations. GM says this was their second choice for a fix, but supplying every new Malibu with its own crusher was prohibitively expensive.
300: Unchanged. You got a problem with that, fuckface? Because if you do, we could step outside and talk about it.
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Chrysler’s minivan will remain unchanged through the 2017 model year as punishment for all those nasty things you said about the Dodge Dart.
AVENGER: Unchanged, which should come as a huge relief to the millions of traveling executives who might otherwise be forced to rent a halfway-decent car.
CHALLENGER: Several new colors are available, including Douchebag Yellow, Ridiculously Annoyingly Obnoxiously Hideous Green, and Nobody Knows I’m Gay Purple.
DART: New Alfa Giulietta Package includes rusted-out fenders and a rain-sensing engine that won’t start when the humidity rises above 65%.
VIPER: Discontinued. By fitting stability control to the 2013 model, Chrysler inadvertently cut off the supply of rich dickheads who wreck their Vipers and come back to buy another one.
More new product news coming soon, because frankly we haven’t thought up anything really funny this week.
Autoblopnik.com brings you the latest updates for the 2014 model year.
MDX: Redesigned, now with an infotainment suite that only requires a masters degree in electronics engineering, rather than a Ph. D.
RLX: All-new model with a V8 engine and rear-wheel-drive. Whoops, sorry, that belongs in the article “What Acura should do for 2014 if they want to sell cars.”
TSX: Billed as all-new from the ground up. Actually unchanged from 2013, but since Acura didn’t sell any last year, no one will know the difference.
3-Series: Now available as a wagon with a 4-cylinder diesel engine, causing auto writers to spill more seed than topless photos of Danica Patrick.
4-Series: Replaces the 3-Series coupe. Analysts expect sales to drop slightly due to high number of current 3-Series owners who cannot count that high.
6-Series: New four-door Gran Coupe model joins the lineup in response to a $20 bet BMW made with Mercedes that they could introduce a vehicle that makes no sense with a name that completely breaks their nomenclature, and still find a few thousand suckers to buy it.
X1: New undersized, overpried CUV that BMW expects will repeat the success of the 1-Series.
LaCrosse: A large-print speedometer is now optional in all models, and the CXL gains a standard Geritol dispenser.
Regal GS: In order to reduce the effects of torque steer, buyers can opt for either all-wheel-drive or having a group of Buick employees repave all the roads in your neighborhood so they curve slightly to the left.
More 2014 updates coming soon… but probably not soon enough.