New for 2014: Land Rover, Nissan, Toyota

Dear Otto, give us those new Macs we’ve been asking for or this is only the beginning. Sincerely yours, The Photo Department.

Give us those new Macs we’ve been asking for or this is only the beginning. Sincerely, the Photo Department.

LAND ROVER

LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.

LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.

RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.

RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.

NISSAN

ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.

GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.

MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.

PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.

VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.

TOYOTA

CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.

COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.

RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.

TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.

© Autoblopnik

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