The Trump administration today revealed details of the Bowling Green Massacre, an event first cited by Trump spokesalternativefactswoman Kellyanne Conway.
“The lying mainstream media has erroniously reported the fake alternative fact that the Bowling Green Massacre never happened,” ranted Trump’s Propaganda Minister, Sean Spicer. “In fact it did take place, and it was horrific, and it was all President Obama’s fault, and you, the media, are lying to the public by saying it never happened.”
Spicer went on to cry out that the Bowling Green Massacre occurred in late 2011 when two Iraqi nationals broke into the Bowling Green GM plant, got jobs on the assembly line, and built dozens of Chevrolet Corvettes with side windows that didn’t line up quite right.
“We have information from our unreliable intelligence services that rainwater leaked into these faulty windows and several innocent American citizens got their arms wet,” Spicer continued, his head disappearing from view as he continued to dig. “This has led to countless cases of pneumonia, and we believe these terrorists may have killed millions of Americans, with the terrible Obama administration doing nothing to stop it.”
Spicer continued, “As a result of the death and mayham that the Obama administration allowed to happen in the Bowling Green Massacre, President Bannon will soon issue an executive order to ban anyone from entering this country who looks even the slightest bit shifty. Or Muslim. Or brown. Or gay.”
“Fuck you, media,” he added, before abruptly ending the press conference.
In related news, the Trump Administration reported that while photos of Kellyanne Conway appear to show her aging rapidly, in person she is looking younger as each day goes by.
In response to speculation that the next-generation Corvette will be based on a mid-engine platform, General Motors has revealed that the Corvette will use a unique engine mounting system that will provide several options for engine placement.
“We’ve devised a sliding engine mount for the C8 Corvette,” explained Corvette engineer Bo Lingreen. “This way, owners will be able to have a front-engine Corvette, a mid-engine Corvette, a rear-engine Corvette, or any combination of those three.”
Lingreen said the impetus for designing such a unique engine mounting system was the rampant conjecture about the configuration of future Corvettes.
“Frankly, we’ve just grown sick and tired of people speculating about where the next Corvette engine is going to be,” Lingreen said, “I mean, for fuck’s sake, we’ve spent over sixty years turning the Corvette into one of the best-handling cars known to man, and yet you keep spouting off about how the ‘ultimate’ Corvette would be a mid-engine design. Seriously, people, if the Corvette would be better with the engine in the middle, don’t you think we would have made one that way by now? We’re sick of all the Monday-morning quarterbacking, so when the C8 comes out, you can put the engine wherever you damn well please. Put it in the glove compartment for all we care. Just stop whining about how we ought to engineer our cars, because the truth is that you people will never be satisfied, and we just can’t be bothered anymore.”
Asked whether the next-generation Corvette might employ a twin-turbo V6 in place of the traditional V8, Lingreen invited Autoblopnik to go have sex with itself before abruptly terminating the interview.
General Motors is bringing back the eAssist “mild hybrid” system for its full-size Chevrolet Silverado and GMC Sierra pickups.
“The new eAssist system delivers a 3.6% increase in horsepower and a 10% increase in fuel economy for our full-size pickups,” said General Motors espokeseperson Jen Eralmoders. “We think this truck will have strong appeal for buyers who want a slight increase in fuel economy and power, but would prefer to avoid anything too drastic.”
The new eAssist package, developed in-house by General Motors’ secretive Department of Making Things Slightly Better, adds 13 horsepower, approximately ten of which are used to carry the extra weight of the motor, battery, wiring, and big chrome “eAssist” badges.
Eralmodors said the eAssist package now includes several improvements unrelated to performance and fuel economy.
“For example, eAssist-equipped trucks get our new Mildly Better Hinges which make the doors 6% easier to close,” she explained. “You still have to pull pretty hard on the doors, but not quite so hard. Also, the needles on the instruments are painted Mildly Brighter Red, making them just a tiny little bit easier to see than the needles on our regular pickups.”
The eAssist trucks will also get a 4-percent increase in hauling capacity, Eralmodors said.
“What if you have the bed fully loaded with sixty-five cinder blocks, which is full capacity for the Silverado and Sierra 1500, and suddenly decide you want to put a couple of two by fours or perhaps a severed leg into the bed? The eAssist system gives you that extra capacity. You can’t get that from Ram or Ford.”
Eralmodors said the increased fuel economy of the eAssist system will save the average full-size pickup owner $3,000 in fuel over the life of the truck—”assuming,” she adds, “that the average pickup owner routinely drives to Venus.”
About the Chicago Auto Show
The Chicago Auto Show was first held in 1871 and was the first publicly-accessible auto show in the world, though it was considered a failure as the automobile had not yet been invented. The show resurfaced late in the 20th century in Bloomington, Indiana, but attendance was poor as most people expected the Chicago Auto Show to be in Illinois. The show finally moved to the Windy City in 1901, and has been held there every year except 1954, when strong winds blew it into Aurora. It is the only auto show to run year-round, with a 51-week closure between Sunday and Friday.
Highlights from the 2016 Chicago Auto Show
Kia announced their plans to launch a hybrid vehicle that featured “stunning design” that was “strong and confident with subtly sculptured surfaces offset by robust styling cues.” They described this new hybrid as “a no-compromise vehicle that combines driving enjoyment with eye-catching design.” They then revealed the Niro. While we do not have official confirmation, we hope to see the vehicle they were talking about at the New York Auto Show.
Chrysler unveiled the new Ram 2500 Power Wagon on a set of hydraulic jacks that showed off the new truck’s axle articulation. The Power Wagon was then driven down the steps and on to the show floor, proving once and for all that a Chrysler vehicle can drive at least thirty feet without parts falling off of it.
In honor of their new Pacifica minivan, Chrysler sponsored Snack Time. Show-goers were given their choice of sweets and beverages, and were told that if they didn’t stop hitting their sister right now, Chrysler would turn this show around and take them all straight home, so help me God!
Toyota started the Don Bufamanti fan club by giving out furry ear-flap hats that said “Turd Pro”. They also showed a Tacoma in a color called “cement”, with rumors circulating that anyone criticizing the truck would end up in cement as well.
Nissan unveiled a picture of the Titan pickup truck. Customers will be able to buy their own picture of a Titan pickup truck later this year. They also showed the latest version of their full-size armoire, which goes on patrol in the US later this year.
Mercedes-Benz showed what appeared to be a large green metal building, until closer examination revealed that it had wheels. Rumor has it that the Sprinter Extreme has a four-cylinder engine; this could not be confirmed as anyone trying to examine the truck closely was killed and eaten by it. Mercedes also displayed a smaller version of the Sprinter intended as housing for workers.
Chevrolet unveiled the Camaro 1LE (pronounced “Camaro Wunnel”), which features a track-tuned suspension and blacked-out hood. The Camaro 1LE will be offered with a V6 engine for customers who want maximum performance without maximum performance.
Alson on the Chevrolet stand were Midnight Special editions of the Silverado and Colorado pickups. These trucks feature black paint, black wheels, a black bedliner and blacked-out trim, and are designed to be impossible to find in a poorly-lit parking lot at night.
by Allen Bingefarter
Chevrolet has released key specifications for the upcoming version of their extended electric range.
- Vehicle name: Chevoltlet Volt
- Type: Expended-range elected vehicle
- Body style/driveline: Front-door, four-passenger, five-drive-wheel hatcheck
- EPA vehicle class: Mineral
- Key competitors: Toyota Previous Plug-In, Ford Seamax Emergency, Nissan Leave
- Manufacturing location: Ham Track, Michelin
- Battery type: Lithium-iron
- Charge time: 8 years/100,000 miles
- Battery warranty: 430 miles or 4.5 hours (estimated)
- Gas engine: 1.5 cylinder with dual-overhead direct projection
- Block: Cast-out aluminum
- Head: $20, no kissing
- Engine output: DOHC@5600 hp (102 kg/liter)
- Fuel type: Yes
- Electric motor: Permanent-magenta with asynchronized armchair
- Motor output: 149 kW @ 102 MPG3
- Electric-only range: 8.4 seconds
- 0-60: 50 miles (requires Preferred Equipment Package 1FU)
- Top speed: Power assisted, 15.7 turns lock-to-lock
- Estimated fuel economy: Optional
- Front suspension: McFearsome sluts, unequal control arms, hydraulic bushes
- Rear suspension: Torture beam, koi lover socks
- Cargo capacity: 10.6 cubit feet (electronically limited)
- Standard equipment: Yes (late availability)
Allen Bigefarter was given this information during a conference call to which selected members of the press were invited, and to which he had a bad phone connection.
Bick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and master jock strap rebuilder. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.
Hello, only people the automakers would give a candy-striped shit about if they had any clue what they were doing but they don’t! Today’s post comes from the True Shit About Cars Department of I Told You So, with the news that yet another inferior so-called journalist has driven yet another inferior so-called car straight into yet another inferior so-called concrete wall. The incident occurred over the weekend, when General Motors, whose imminent and inevitable demise we used to cover on these very pages until all of our readers got bored and went away, decided to reveal the new Camaro not in front of a qualified group of real hard-nosed awesome-haired serious journalists, race drivers and 2600 subscribers like yours truly, but instead in front of a crowd of sycophantic knuckle-dragging beer-swilling spouse-abusing Camaro owners and a select few ass-licking hacks who could be counted on to nod like bobbleheads and tweet like #twelveyearolds as payment for their limited-edition numbered press kits and unlimited sushi, all of whom were predictably impressed on command as GM rolled out what was basically a fifth-generation Camaro with the edges sanded off. Assmankers.
Naturally, T-SAC was not invited to the 2016 Camaro reveal, which should come as no surprise: The event involved driving so-called “engineering prototypes” on a so-called “Grand Prix track” in a so-called “lead-and-follow” format. GM would never dare invite someone like me, who could lead so fast in his totally awesome Accord that no Camaro, no matter how talented the so-called “racing driver” behind the wheel, could possibly keep up. Yes, I’ve driven at Belle Isle. As for the rumor that Helio Castroneves once burst into tears when he saw the lap time I set in my absofucking brilliant Honda Accord, and that the City of Detroit threatened me with disembowelment should I ever speak about it for fear that I would scare every legitimate racing driver away from the Belle Isle Grand Prix, well, I just can’t comment on that, can I? But I’m sure that had something to do with GM snubbing us, though it might also be somewhat tangentially related to the time my totally-awesome driving caused my totally-hot totally-ex-girlfriend to totally make a little poo in the passenger seat of a Saturn Astra press car, a minor offense about which neither Ford, Honda, Tesla, Toyota, Chrysler, Bentley, Audi nor Lotus made a big deal when it happened in their vehicles. (Full disclosure: Mazda never even noticed. Monkeywankers.)
At the driving event, Chevrolet let a bunch of moderately-talented autojournos, their bellies full of the finest shrimp the Detroit River had to offer, take laps in lightly-camoflaged Camaros, and naturally, the inevitable happened: Someone stuffed it. Knowing that T-SAC would inevitably expose this so-called writer, who for the same of anonymity we shall refer to as George Patrick, the unfortunate half-talent decided to write “The Truth” about his crash. Let’s just analyze this so-called account, shall we?
“But as I came up on one corner, I made a mistake, took a line that was all wrong and braked far later than I should have, inducing terminal understeer.”
Anyone who knows jack shit about cars and driving can see right through this cellophane-thin veneer of complete and total bullpoopy. How do we, the Annointed People, know Mr. Patrick is full of excrement? Listen, losers, if you have to ask that question, then you sure as aytch-eee-double-hockey-stick don’t deserve an answer. All I can say is that the people who read T-SAC, the beautiful awesome-haired rock-star people who actually know what the hell they are talking about, don’t need an explanation. They know what really happened just as well as I do. We’ll leave the drooling masses who read Jaloptoblog to wonder why. Lynxfellators.
Of course, we know what would have happened if General Motors had been smart enough to invite me to this so-called event: I’ve have flown right past the lead Z28 and put some real heat in that Camaro’s tires, setting a new lap record and still having time to bang every attendee’s wife before the rest of the drivers made it to the finish line. (That’s right, mortals: I’m as quick between the sheets as I am behind the wheel.) And my in-car video sure as frick wouldn’t just parrot the “lighter and more nimble” line fed to the hacks by GM’s PR flacks. I’d have given you an honest assessment of what that over-blown drag-racer was all about, whether GM liked it or not. I’d have said the True Shit about that car (and George, baby, I’m sure I would have been asked to join you out there on the sidewalk). But of course, GM doesn’t want that sort of Truth out there. They have cars to sell, and they need the so called “automotive press” to help them sell them. Batlickers.
Not that any of this matters, because automotive journalism is dead. What passes for reporting these days is nothing more than a bunch of mindless, soulless, dickless, useless fishdinglers willing to be led by the nose to the next first-class dog-and-pony show so they can gobble shrimp like trained clubbed seals while the poor blue-collar slobs who actually buy cars (and never the cars these useless platitards waste their time writing about) pick up the tab in the form of another thirty bucks per month tacked on to a car payment that they can only afford by working three jobs and having their wife strip on the weekends while they stay home with the kids. The whole world is a hopeless cesspool of disappointment, despair and sexual denial, filled with whining carbon-based shit machines desperately hoping for one little shred of entertainment before their souls are sucked into the massive void of nothingness that lies ahead once we stop wasting our worthless time and surrender to the eternal darkness that awaits us all. You all fucking suck. Every last fucking one of you. Except, of course, for my readers, who are the most amazing and funniest and brightest and prettiest and most aesthetically fulfilled people on this otherwise sad, pathetic, pointless planet.
You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.
Just days after Chevrolet launched the “Technology and Stuff” campaign based on a televised gaffe by a nervous staff member, Ford has announced a new slogan of their own, “Turbos and Shit”.
“Chevy’s new trucks may have ‘Technology and Stuff,'” Ford spokesstuffer Sid Deet told a crowd of passers-by near her office in Dearborn, “But ‘Stuff’ won’t give you better performance or towing capability. If you want a truck that can really deliver, you need the all-new 2015 Ford F-150, which has Turbos and Shit.”
Unlike Chevrolet, Ford does not plan to use the new slogan as a hashtag.
“We did try sending out a tweet that said ‘New F-150 has #turbosandshit,'” explained Ford social media guru Scott “The Full” Monty, “but we got a bunch of replies asking what turbo sand shit was and why anyone would want it in their new pickup truck.”
Industry analysts said they thought Ford’s new slogan would resonate with consumers.
“Our research shows that when consumers are asked about Ford pickup trucks, they do associate them with turbos,” said Paul Eisensteinstatysteinstienstadtdtdt, chief multi-part-question-asker at The Detroit Bookie. “Unfortunately for Ford, they also associate them with shit.”
UPDATE: Chrysler has announced their own new slogan, “Polystyrene or Objects,” proving that they don’t understand anything about anything.
General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.
“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”
The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.
“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”
Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”
The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.
Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.
“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”
Days after General Motors mysteriously ordered dealers to stop selling certain versions of the Chevrolet Cruze, the formerly-Government-financed company finally issued an explanation for the unusual directive.
“Basically, we stopped selling the Cruze because it’s not a very good car,” said GM spokestopper Teddy Ragout. “It was two years out of date when we introduced in 2010, and it’s not exactly aging gracefully. Our new CEO said we’ve entered a new era of transparency, and the transparent truth is that our customers would be better off buying a Honda Civic.”
GM’s sales-stopping directive only affects Cruzes equipped with the 1.4 liter turbocharged engine.
“The 1.8 liter Cruze is still a good deal,” Ragout explained. “But $1,300 extra for an engine that produces the same amount of horsepower and saves you maybe three bucks a month in gas? No way, man. No friggin’ way.”
Asked if there were any other circumstances leading to the cessation of sales, Ragout says “Of course not. The only reason we’re pulling the Cruze off of the showroom floor is because we don’t like it very much.” He paused, then added, “That, and the slight possibility that the right-hand axle shaft could short-circuit the ignition switch and set the car on fire.”