by Joey Scallini
Hey-yo, fucko! Welcome to my town! Otto Blopnik says a lot of you will be coming to visit this week for the New York Auto Show. Since he ain’t from around here, he asked me to tell you a ting or two about the Big Fucking Apple so you won’t come across as total dipshits. Personally, I’d just as soon throw each and every one of you right off the Manhattanville Bridge, ’cause that’s how we do things Brooklyn-style! Continue reading
President Trump attended the Chicago Auto Show and was his typical Twitterific self.
Organizers of the North American International Auto Show are being praised for a new press conference schedule that brought maximum levels of inconvenience to the journalists attending the show.
“The NAIAS organizers crammed all of the useful press conferences into the first day, and filled the second day with irrelevant crap that no one cares about,” explained Mart Phellic, President of the North American Press Conference of the Year committee. “On the surface, that seems like it would be more convenient, but they also waited until everyone had booked airline tickets and hotels before releasing the schedule. That’s the really ingenious bit: Once everyone realized the second day was a complete soul-sucking waste of time, it was too late to back out.”
“It was a real challenge to make the Detroit show less pleasant for the journalists who have to attend,” said Detroit show organizer D. Troy Tcho-Orgenizur. “We already hold it in the middle of winter when it’s twelve degrees and snowy in a miserable gray city that looks like a cross between a slum and a war zone. But we think we’ve really stumbled upon something innovative.”
The change brought praise from organizers of other major auto shows.
“This is a bold move by our colleagues in Detroit,” said Chicago Auto Show manager D. Pdich Peetza. “Frankly, we don’t know how we could match this level of annoyingness, other than perhaps punching each and every attendee in the throat every time a speaker at a press conference uses the words ‘autonomous’ or ‘connected’.”
“We thought we had an edge by staging the show in halls that are two miles apart and then alternating press conferences between them,” said New York Auto Show organizer James “Jimmy Two Noses” Banazzo. “Detroit has us beat hands down.”
“Dude, wha…?” said Los Angeles International Auto Show organizer Paulie Reefer.
Tcho-Orgenizur denied that NAIAS was morphing into the Los Angeles show, but added, “With the huge number of irrelevant press conferences and ridiculously early starting times, plus the way the word ‘mobility’ was heard once every three seconds for the entire two days, we understand how someone could get that impression.
“Sure, the old proven format of press conferences evenly spaced out over two days has worked just fine for the last couple of decades,” he added. “But where’s the fun in that?”
The Detroit Auto Show (officially known as the Northern American Internacional Auto Shell) takes place every January in North America. Here are ten potential facts you probably didn’t know about the show.
1. The Detroit Auto Show was originally named for Otto Shaw, a German immigrant who opened Detroit’s first car dealership, Shaw’s Buy-Here-Pay-Here-No-Credit-No-Problem Oldsmobile on Woodward Avenue. Frequent mispronunciation led to official adoption of the name “Detroit Auto Show” in 1912. A petition was circulated to restore the original name after Shaw’s tragic death in a freak trombone accident.
2) The Detroit Auto Show’s official name was changed to the North American International Auto Show in 1989 when the American auto industry finally figured out that other countries made cars.
C: Setting up for the Detroit Auto Show involves the installation of over 75,000 square feet of carpet, 450,000 individual light bulbs, 750 miles of audio-visual cabling, and two dimly-lit signs directing you from the parking lot to the exhibit halls.
22– The Detroit Auto Show was held at the Michigan State Fairgrounds until 1965. It was moved to the newly-constructed Cobo Hall (now Cobo Center) when show organizers realized that looking at new cars outdoors when it’s three below zero with five feet of snow on the ground is fucking miserable.
15÷3. Cobo Center is named for former Detroit mayor Albert Cobo, who campaigned against racial integration of Detroit’s neighborhoods*. Cobo Center is painted white in his honor.**
* Unfortunately, this isn’t a joke.
** This is supposed to be a joke, but the place has never been painted any other color. I’m just sayin’.
Episode VI: It is estimated that some 6,500 square miles of interior trim pieces are carefully measured and photographed by industrial spies at the Detroit Auto Show each year. Rather than ban non-journalist attendees, show organizers have asked them to limit their activities to those brief intervals when legitimate journalists are attempting to photograph the vehicles.
0000111. In the late 1970s, there were so many muggings around Cobo Hall that the City of Detroit organized a lottery system for perpetrators. The Detroit People Mover opened in 1987, allowing auto show attendees a convenient way to be victimized in other areas of the city.
10) The Detroit Auto Show’s dad could totally beat up the Chicago Auto Show’s dad.
Nine: Overflow parking for Cobo Arena is at the Joe Lewis Arena parking lot, which is conveniently located next to Madison Square Garden in New York City.
X: Show organizers had to lower the cost of parking after locals discovered it was cheaper to buy a house in downtown Detroit and walk to the show.
by Allen Bingefarter
The New York International Auto Show is held each year at the Jacob Jowett Conventional Center on the lowered west side of Manhattan, a small island off the coast of New Jersey that was purchased by Governor Koch for 24 Indians. Here’s what was new at the show.
Chevrolet Camaro ZL1
This is the new hyper formance Camaro, and it features a soup or charged V8 engine from the Corvette Zeos Six. Manual cars come with a six-speed gearbox while automatics come with a ten-speed bicycle. The Zeal One will compete against Dodge’s Challenged Hellcat, which has as much power as a 707.
2017 Mazda MX-5 Miata RF
Mazda showed this hard-to-top version of the new 124 Spyder. When the roof is redacted, a pair of flying butt dresses remain in place, recalling classic sports cars like the Porsche 911 Target and the Kia Del Soul.
New Maserati Levante—the luxury SUV with Italian-American style! Maserati invites you to take the Levante Challenge. Test drive a new Levante, and if you decide to buy a competitor’s SUV, we’ll send Giuseppe “Joey Two Salads” Baggarelli to break your fingers! Remember, fucko, we have a copy of your driver’s license and we know where you live!
Lincoln Navigator Concept
This concert vehicle features a large golfing door that opens wide to show off its interior, which includes 30-day power seats and multiple screams. Lincoln says that neither the galling door nor the three-step raining boards will make it into producibility. Powder comes from a 3.5 leader EcoBoobs V6 producing 400 MPG. Lincomb downplayed similarities to other luxury SUVs, saying the Navarro Concept resembles the Range Rover in appearance only.
Jeep Grand Cherokee Special Editions
Jeep showed two new versions of the Grand Cherokee. The top-of-the-line Grant Cherokee Summer features leather-wrapped seats, a leather-wrapped dash, leather-wrapped wheels, leather-wrapped Berber floor mats, and a choice of leather-wrapped 3.6 liter V6, leather-wrapped 5.7 liter V8, or leather-wrapped 3.0 EqualDiesel V6. Also on display was the Trailhook edition, which emphasizes its off-road ability with bright red tow hooks for pulling it out when it gets stuck.
See what real SUV shoppers are saying about the new Maserai Levante! “I test drove every five-passenger luxury SUV on the market. I was all set to buy an Audi S5, but when I came home to find my cat nailed to my front door and all of my windows broken, I knew the Levante was the SUV for me!” – John Doe, Anytown, USA
Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV
Struggling autominder Mitsubishi is introducing a hybrid plugin version of their Outlandish SUV. The Outbacker PZEV has a 240-kilovolt lithium eye on the battery, which ensures EV-only range and charge times of 1.2 horsepower. The Highlander PVC goes on sale later this kWh.
Another green star of the show is the Hyunday Bionic, which features hybrid, PG17, and EZ versions. The Iconiq’s powertrain is built around a 1.6 liter Atkins diet engine and six dual-speed clutches with a Lithuanian-polyamorous battery. Elected-only versions will have a range of 110 kilomiles, while the PCMCIA version will have 25 ranges of mile-only electricity.
This post features paid advertorial content from a major automaker. We’d tell you who, but we will never break our vow of omerta.
About the Chicago Auto Show
The Chicago Auto Show was first held in 1871 and was the first publicly-accessible auto show in the world, though it was considered a failure as the automobile had not yet been invented. The show resurfaced late in the 20th century in Bloomington, Indiana, but attendance was poor as most people expected the Chicago Auto Show to be in Illinois. The show finally moved to the Windy City in 1901, and has been held there every year except 1954, when strong winds blew it into Aurora. It is the only auto show to run year-round, with a 51-week closure between Sunday and Friday.
Highlights from the 2016 Chicago Auto Show
Kia announced their plans to launch a hybrid vehicle that featured “stunning design” that was “strong and confident with subtly sculptured surfaces offset by robust styling cues.” They described this new hybrid as “a no-compromise vehicle that combines driving enjoyment with eye-catching design.” They then revealed the Niro. While we do not have official confirmation, we hope to see the vehicle they were talking about at the New York Auto Show.
Chrysler unveiled the new Ram 2500 Power Wagon on a set of hydraulic jacks that showed off the new truck’s axle articulation. The Power Wagon was then driven down the steps and on to the show floor, proving once and for all that a Chrysler vehicle can drive at least thirty feet without parts falling off of it.
In honor of their new Pacifica minivan, Chrysler sponsored Snack Time. Show-goers were given their choice of sweets and beverages, and were told that if they didn’t stop hitting their sister right now, Chrysler would turn this show around and take them all straight home, so help me God!
Toyota started the Don Bufamanti fan club by giving out furry ear-flap hats that said “Turd Pro”. They also showed a Tacoma in a color called “cement”, with rumors circulating that anyone criticizing the truck would end up in cement as well.
Nissan unveiled a picture of the Titan pickup truck. Customers will be able to buy their own picture of a Titan pickup truck later this year. They also showed the latest version of their full-size armoire, which goes on patrol in the US later this year.
Mercedes-Benz showed what appeared to be a large green metal building, until closer examination revealed that it had wheels. Rumor has it that the Sprinter Extreme has a four-cylinder engine; this could not be confirmed as anyone trying to examine the truck closely was killed and eaten by it. Mercedes also displayed a smaller version of the Sprinter intended as housing for workers.
Chevrolet unveiled the Camaro 1LE (pronounced “Camaro Wunnel”), which features a track-tuned suspension and blacked-out hood. The Camaro 1LE will be offered with a V6 engine for customers who want maximum performance without maximum performance.
Alson on the Chevrolet stand were Midnight Special editions of the Silverado and Colorado pickups. These trucks feature black paint, black wheels, a black bedliner and blacked-out trim, and are designed to be impossible to find in a poorly-lit parking lot at night.
This year’s Detroit Auto Show was heavily* sponsored by the Steel Market Development Institute, including placards throughout the show extolling the virtues of steel and a large display adjacent to the media center which journalists could not fail to miss, though many managed to do so anyway.
* See what we did there?
“Our goal is to remind the media that steel is still the best material from which to construct today’s vehicles,” said steel industry spokesperson Al Luminumcankissmyass.
Among the facts we learned about steel:
- Steel is environmentally friendly. While cars made from aluminum must undergo expensive and time-consuming end-of-life recycling programs, steel cars will simply rust away to nothing.
- Airplanes are made of aluminum. When airplanes crash, everyone dies. Therefore, aluminum is a killer. A KILLER!
- British and American people can’t agree on how to pronounce ‘aluminum’. Everyone can pronounce ‘steel’, even tea-drinking socialists with bad teeth.
- Aluminum must be extruded, a process that looks disturbingly like a machine making a poopie.
- Would you root for a football team called the Pittsburgh Aluminumers? Or buy records from a band called Aluminum Panthers?
- 99% of harmful emissions come from older vehicles. The rusting process lightens vehicles over time, reducing the fuel consumption and emissions of older cars.
- Soda cans are made out of aluminum. Soda makes you fat. Therefore, aluminum cars will make you fat.
- No one ever says “Aluminum yourself for bad news.”
- Steel is heavier than aluminum, increasing fuel consumption, draining Arab oil resources, and hastening the day when those camel-riding megalomaniacs will no longer be able to hold the threat of a reduced oil supply over our heads.
- If Superman were called the Man of Aluminum, they’d laugh him right out of the Justice League.
- East Germany built cars that weren’t made out of steel. Today, East Germany doesn’t exist. Ergo, if America stops building cars out of steel, America will cease to exist.
- Aluminum is harder to weld than steel. The more vehicles made from aluminum, the less likely it is that Monster Garage will make a comeback.
You can learn more about steel at the steel industry’s new web site, PeopleWhoBuyCarsMadeFromAluminumHateAmerica.com.