This year’s Detroit Auto Show was heavily* sponsored by the Steel Market Development Institute, including placards throughout the show extolling the virtues of steel and a large display adjacent to the media center which journalists could not fail to miss, though many managed to do so anyway.
* See what we did there?
“Our goal is to remind the media that steel is still the best material from which to construct today’s vehicles,” said steel industry spokesperson Al Luminumcankissmyass.
Among the facts we learned about steel:
- Steel is environmentally friendly. While cars made from aluminum must undergo expensive and time-consuming end-of-life recycling programs, steel cars will simply rust away to nothing.
- Airplanes are made of aluminum. When airplanes crash, everyone dies. Therefore, aluminum is a killer. A KILLER!
- British and American people can’t agree on how to pronounce ‘aluminum’. Everyone can pronounce ‘steel’, even tea-drinking socialists with bad teeth.
- Aluminum must be extruded, a process that looks disturbingly like a machine making a poopie.
- Would you root for a football team called the Pittsburgh Aluminumers? Or buy records from a band called Aluminum Panthers?
- 99% of harmful emissions come from older vehicles. The rusting process lightens vehicles over time, reducing the fuel consumption and emissions of older cars.
- Soda cans are made out of aluminum. Soda makes you fat. Therefore, aluminum cars will make you fat.
- No one ever says “Aluminum yourself for bad news.”
- Steel is heavier than aluminum, increasing fuel consumption, draining Arab oil resources, and hastening the day when those camel-riding megalomaniacs will no longer be able to hold the threat of a reduced oil supply over our heads.
- If Superman were called the Man of Aluminum, they’d laugh him right out of the Justice League.
- East Germany built cars that weren’t made out of steel. Today, East Germany doesn’t exist. Ergo, if America stops building cars out of steel, America will cease to exist.
- Aluminum is harder to weld than steel. The more vehicles made from aluminum, the less likely it is that Monster Garage will make a comeback.
You can learn more about steel at the steel industry’s new web site, PeopleWhoBuyCarsMadeFromAluminumHateAmerica.com.