Volvo, the company credited with introducing the Blind Spot Information System (BLIS), the Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), and the practice of assigning short silly acronyms for safety systems (ASSASS), has pledged that no one will die or be seriously injured in a brand-new Volvo by the year 2020, a program they call Vision 2020. In preparation for the launch of the 2016 Volvo XC90, Volvo sat down with Sniff Autoblopnik to discuss their latest safety innovations.
“The XC90 will debut severål of our Vision 2020 technologies,” explained Volvo säfety expert Jäň Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt, speaking on condition that we don’t pronounce his first name the same way as the middle sister on The Brady Bunch, “åll of which will reduce the number of fätålities in the car.
“Fïrst is the styling, which uses our new Visio-Ocular Modification Impression Technology, or VOMIT,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt explained. “We’ve made the XC90 slightly unattractive, which should reduce the number of büyers by approximately 15 percent. That means ten or twëlve fewer people will die in a Volvo each year.”
For collisions with other vehicles, the XC90 relies on Structural Transverse Integrity For Car Occupant Collision Kinetics, or STÏFCØCK.
“The bödy shell is made of high-strength steel reinforced by giant slabs of concrete,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained. “This will, of course, cause extensive damage to any vehicle that hits the XC90, and may well lead to death and injuries in those other vehicles. Well, fück ’em. If they wanted to live, they should have bought a Völvo.”
For extreme collisions involving large, heavy or immovable objects such as tractor-trailers, bridge abutments, or New Jersey governor Chris Christie, the XC9Ø relies on Ballistic Longitudinal Auxiliary Acceleration Strategic Telemetry, or BLÄÄST, which consists of ejector seats and removable roof panels.
“Microseconds before a collision,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained, “the BLÄÄST system opens the roof, fires the ejector seats to a height approximately fifty meters above the Volvo, and then detonates them, blowing both the seats and the people in them to tiny little bïts.”
Asked if this wouldn’t prove fatal to the occupants, Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt said, “Of course it will. That’s the whole idëa. They’ll die, but they wön’t die in a Volvo.”
Ford Motor Company today confirmed that Henry Ford rose from the grave last week in order to discuss key strategic issues concerning the auto company that bears his name.
“Mr. Ford wanted more insight into the promotion of Mark Fields to President and CEO,” said Ford spokesfields Sid Deet. “He was concerned that Mr. Field’s appointment was part of a Zionist conspiracy to take over the Ford Motor Company. Once we told him about Mr. Field’s long tenure and significant accomplishments, and assured him that the thing on his head was his hair and not a fancy yarmulke, Mr. Ford expressed both relief and approval.”
Although Fields’ appointment was the primary reason for Mr. Ford’s visit, Deet says he discussed several relevant issues with Ford’s upper management.
“Mr. Ford toured our powertrain engineering facility, and was especially pleased with the new range of EcoBoost™ engines,” said Deet. “He said that we were smart to replace our V6s with turbocharged four-cylinders, since six cylinder engines are inherently untrustworthy.”
Deet says that Henry Ford reiterated his distaste for the UAW and was dismayed to learn that sending thugs to beat up striking workers was now frowned upon. He did, however, approve of the company’s latest line of products.
“When I heard Mr. Ford had risen from the dead just to come see us, I was concerned that he would disapprove of us having so many European-engineered cars in our US lineup,” said Ford’s chief engineer, Chee Fengineer. “But he looked me right in the eye, he did, and said, ‘Chee, a lot of good ideas came out of Europe, especially back in the late 30s and early 40s,’ and then he gave me a big ol’ wink.”
Another Ford insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the deceased Mr. Ford expressed little surprise at Lincoln’s poor performance in the luxury marketplace, saying, “I never should have left that good-for-nothing son of mine talk me into buying Henry Lleland out of bankruptcy. That ol’ bastard Hank is still giving me guff about that.”
Deet would neither confirm nor deny this story.
After touring the Dearborn facility, Mr. Ford enjoyed a light lunch with the administrative staff, during which he autographed copies of his book, The International Jew. He then took a brief tour of the latest additions to the Henry Ford Museum before returning to his grave at the Ford Cemetery in Detroit.
“It was a very pleasant visit, and we were delighted and honored to have Mr. Ford visit us from beyond the veil of shadow,” said Deet. “We’ve always said that Henry Ford would approve of how we are running the Ford Motor Company, and now we can definitively say that he does.”