Volvo, the company credited with introducing the Blind Spot Information System (BLIS), the Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), and the practice of assigning short silly acronyms for safety systems (ASSASS), has pledged that no one will die or be seriously injured in a brand-new Volvo by the year 2020, a program they call Vision 2020. In preparation for the launch of the 2016 Volvo XC90, Volvo sat down with Sniff Autoblopnik to discuss their latest safety innovations.
“The XC90 will debut severål of our Vision 2020 technologies,” explained Volvo säfety expert Jäň Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt, speaking on condition that we don’t pronounce his first name the same way as the middle sister on The Brady Bunch, “åll of which will reduce the number of fätålities in the car.
“Fïrst is the styling, which uses our new Visio-Ocular Modification Impression Technology, or VOMIT,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt explained. “We’ve made the XC90 slightly unattractive, which should reduce the number of büyers by approximately 15 percent. That means ten or twëlve fewer people will die in a Volvo each year.”
For collisions with other vehicles, the XC90 relies on Structural Transverse Integrity For Car Occupant Collision Kinetics, or STÏFCØCK.
“The bödy shell is made of high-strength steel reinforced by giant slabs of concrete,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained. “This will, of course, cause extensive damage to any vehicle that hits the XC90, and may well lead to death and injuries in those other vehicles. Well, fück ’em. If they wanted to live, they should have bought a Völvo.”
For extreme collisions involving large, heavy or immovable objects such as tractor-trailers, bridge abutments, or New Jersey governor Chris Christie, the XC9Ø relies on Ballistic Longitudinal Auxiliary Acceleration Strategic Telemetry, or BLÄÄST, which consists of ejector seats and removable roof panels.
“Microseconds before a collision,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained, “the BLÄÄST system opens the roof, fires the ejector seats to a height approximately fifty meters above the Volvo, and then detonates them, blowing both the seats and the people in them to tiny little bïts.”
Asked if this wouldn’t prove fatal to the occupants, Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt said, “Of course it will. That’s the whole idëa. They’ll die, but they wön’t die in a Volvo.”