Volvo offers free lifetime sex

Volvo, yesterday

Volvo, yesterday

Days after announcing the Service Advantage program, which offers a lifetime warranty on parts installed by the dealership, Volvo has expanded the program to include complimentary sex for Volvo owners.

“This is an integral part of ‘Service Advantage,'” said Volvo spokesservicer Russel Ditz. “We want our owners to know they get serviced whenever they feel the need.

“The idea is to make the Volvo ownership experience as positive as possible,” Ditz continued. “By offering owners the peace of mind of a lifetime warranty on parts and labor, as well as nookie on demand, we think we can achieve our goal of topping every other company in terms of customer satisfaction.”

According to a detailed press release put out by the company, Volvo owners will be able to sign up for sex on a dedicated web site, www.VolvoSex.com, and may choose from a catalog of partners in a wide variety of sizes, genders, and levels of cleanliness.

“All of us have been through the program, and I myself have sampled several partners, both male and female,” Ditz told Autoblopnik. “I think our owners are going to be really pleased. There are some things the Swedes do better than everyone else in the world, the Germans in particular.”

Ditz said that the program would initially offer what he described as “fairly conventional” sex acts — “Basically, nothing that requires any non-organic equipment,” he clarified. “Once we gain some experience, we’ll begin to expand the program with some D&S and maybe a little light bondage. Our plan is to offer access to a full range of fetishes by the 2017 model year.”

Ditz says Volvo is considering other enhancements to the Volvo ownership experience, including discounted vacations and free marijuana.

“These programs are all about building the Volvo family through customer satisfaction,” Ditz said. “They in no way indicate that we are dreadfully desperate for people to buy our cars. Oh, and on a related note, please buy our cars. Please.”

© Autoblopnik

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