Following the stunning reveal of their made-up idea of what an Apple Car could conceivably look like should it ever actually begin to exist, Motor Trend Magazine said this is only the first of a series of what they refer to as “compelling and completely misleading efforts to prop up our flagging sales.”
“This is a brand-new direction for us,” said Motor Trend speculator-in-chief New Loh, speaking loudly so as to be heard over the sound of his soul being slowly sucked away. “While it’s true that Motor Trend has access to some of the most exclusive cars in the world, and has the facilities, budget and editorial talent to create exciting content that is well beyond the capabilities of most publications, we thought it would be better to just make shit up about cars we don’t really know anything about and tease it by implying that we have actual information.”
The Interwebs were abuzz with positive comments praising Motor Trend’s brave decision to promote the living crap out of what turned out to be speculative baloney.
“Zero facts and a waste of time,” enthused @BirdhouseShagger.
“Where’s the Unlike button so I can click on it a billion jillion zillion times?” praised @StudlyMinister69.
“i have a 2003 daihatsu salmon plague Edition need to replace the Airflow sensor for the left windscreen wiper do you know where i Can get one please email me at 4553 dung station road dibba al-hisin 45 sarjah uae thanks philip o’cocker,” posted @MicroPhilDubai.
After largely shredding their credibility with the online community, Loh said the magazine planned to open themselves to further ridicule by putting the speculative Apple Car on the cover of their June 2016 issue.
“We were hoping to compound the misery by including a DVD of that soul-sucking 29-minute video snoozefest we posted to YouTube,” Loh told Autoblopnik. “Unfortunately, we’ve been told that DVDs are considered an obsolete technology, much like printed magazines.”
Loh said that in the wake of the success of their Apple Car fiasco, the magazine is planning to create exclusive previews of other things that don’t exist, including Santa Claus’ elves, affordable personal jetpacks, a real-live unicorn, a cure for the common cold, an increase in Motor Trend subscriptions, and a sustainable business model for TEN, the magazine’s parent company.
A company that has something to do with British license plates has created a pair of instructional videos for their customers, who they apparently think are complete fucking idiots.
News of the videos came in the form of an e-mail story pitch which, for reasons that the sender will no doubt have a difficult time explaning in her upcoming disciplinary review, was sent to Autoblopnik.com.
“Our new videos present a comprehensive guide to removing your old number plate and putting on a new one,” said a company spokesperson, speaking slowly and using lots of illustrations and hand gestures.
“This is a highly intense task that involves complex tools such as a screwdriver,” she continued. “Our videos provide useful safety tips, such advising the viewer to place the tip of the screwdriver against the slot in the screw instead of ramming it into their ear. We also remind the viewer that the number plate should be attached to the car rather than placed atop a church spire in South Harrow.”
The videos, which can be seen here and here, were produced to promote whatever it is the site is selling, which wasn’t clearly spelled out in the story pitch received by Autoblopnik.com. The solicitation did, however, contain a generous offer to write the story for us should we find ourselves too lazy to do it on our own.
“We plan a whole series of instructional videos for the less-than-bright,” explained the spokeswoman. “Our next video will be aimed at junior-level public relations workers, advising them to take a few minutes to read through a web site before sending them a PR pitch, and that using the recipient’s first name will not fool a savvy journalist into thinking this is anything but a cut-and-paste job, especially when the email contains grammatical errors including glaring subject-verb disagreements and no fewer than three different font sizes.
“Our goal is to help them avoid doing anything monumentally stupid that could injure themselves or their career,” she continued, “such as accidentally zip-tying their fingers to their own car or pitching a tantalizingly ridiculous story to a parody web site in a different country.”