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Bick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and genital hygiene specialist. He contributes to several automotive-related web sites as well as our own.
Hello, The Only Readers The Car Companies Would Give Two Shits About If They Had Any Sense But They Don’t! I’m just back from Portland, Oregon, where I braved the meth-addled masses in order to drive Dodge’s new Challenger Hellcat. I was surprised to be invited, not because I once totaled a Sebring by letting my friend’s pet llama give birth in the back seat, but because Chrysler is usually afraid to have real racers-slash-journalists like yours truly at their events. I expected to find a crowd of magazine and newspaper has-beens who think a free pair of Pilotis and a so-called “performance driving course” qualifies them to drive this 707 horsepower missile on a technical track like Portland International Raceway, and I was not disappointed. I knew from watching these guys weave around the track like Lindsay Lohan three days out rehab that they simply weren’t in the same zip code as me and my superior driving abilities. Cocktanglers.
Dodge at least had the good sense to assign babysitters to the wannabes, and yet I somehow got lumped in with these losers, even after informing them that I set the all-time track record at PIR in my awesome-ass Accord. Of course they didn’t believe me, but only because the track owners insisted I do it at night when no one was around. My time was, of course, way the hell better than anyone except me expected, so they made me seal it in an envelope, burn it, drop the ashes into a bottle of sulfuric acid, encase them in concrete and bury them in swamp in Louisiana, and all this only after taking a blood-oath that I would never reveal my time to anyone for fear of embarrassing every racing driver in the known universe and making them kill themselves in despair. What can I say — when you’re as amazing as I am, you get used to silly shit like this. Monkeylickers.
That explains why I was stuck in the Challenger Hellcat with some geriatric turd who claimed to have been instructing at PIR for twenty-five years, but then feigned shock and disgust when I blew straight through the chicane, spun the car in turn six and went ass-first through seven with two wheels in the grass. If he really knew the track, he’d know this was the fastest line. Instead, Grandpa ratted me out to the Chrysler narcs, who insisted that I give up the red key and return to the hotel in a bitch-ass six-cylinder Challenger SXT, which is a great economical performance value starting at just $26,995 plus destination, taxes and fees. Titfiddlers.
So how is the Challenger Hellcat? It’s too much, as in it’s too much for any mortal driver to handle. Seven hundred horsepower is a disaster waiting to happen unless you have super-human driving abilities and awesome grunge-band hair, both granted to you by aliens in a strange midnight ceremony on a mountaintop in Nepal. There is only one guy on this planet who fits that description, and it sure as fuck ain’t Nico Rosberg. Your average know-nothing piss-ant driver is going to roll this thing up into a ball faster than my hot-ass girlfriend can say “You can have five minutes and no kissing.” And at sixty large a throw, there are plenty of Skruth wannabees who will use the Hellcat as a one-way ticket to their maker. But that won’t stop the car magazines from plastering it all over their covers in a desperate attempt to fool a few more Mopar-masturbators into buying their withering rag, no matter what the cost in wasted lives and semen. Buttonfuckers.
Not that it matters, because automotive journalism is dead. Most people who “write” about “cars” are nothing more than Jay Leno wannabes who willingly blind themselves to the fact that they are sucking on the great silicon-filled tit of automotive PR, one that gorges them on free cars, frequent flyer miles, cheap wine and badly cooked beef tenderloin. Their so-called “reviews” are just gears in the machine, and the Challenger Hellcat is nothing but a pollution-spewing carrot designed to lure the mindless masses (who couldn’t give a candy-cane-colored shit what we have to say) into Dodge showrooms where they will drool on command over a useless wad of elephant spooge like the Journey, then happily bend over and smile as they take their $600 car payment and worthless extended warranty right up the service entrance. Everything is useless and everyone sucks. And when I say everything and everyone, of course I mean everything and everyone except you, my readers, the only people endowed with common sense and good looks and acceptably-sized genitalia.
You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.
Chrysler Fiat Fiat Chrysler Automotive held a massive press conference announcing their product plans for the next five years.
The Chrysler brand will be moved even further upmarket, starting with a refreshed 300 and a redesigned Town & Country. Chrysler will then cement its reputation as a Mercedes competitor by introducing a car designed to compete with the Toyota Corolla.
Plans for the Jeep brand include killing off the Compass and Patriot and introducing the new Renegade.
“Car-based SUVs with extremely limited off-road capability nearly ruined the Jeep brand’s reputation, so they are history,” said Jeep spokeshistorian Todd Gayer. “Eliminating these two vehicles will make way for a new car-based SUV with extremely limited off-road capability.”
After much speculation that Fhrysler Ciat would kill off the Dodge brand and move performance models over to the new SRT brand, Fchrysler shocked the assembled crowd by announcing that the SRT brand would be eliminated and absorbed by the Dodge brand.
“See what I did there?” said Dodge spokesperson Billy Crystal. “You thought I was going to get rid of Dodge, but I went the other way. Don’t get me started!”
Dodge revealed a new ad campaign indicating their continued commitment to making cars for old people. The brand also confirmed that there will be an SRT version of the Dart coming in 2016, but that no decision had been made as to whether the Dart SRT will be awesome like the Neon SRT4 or suck balls like the Caliber SRT4.
A Fiat representative, who looked quite surprised when told it was his turn to speak, said, “Well, um, we’re, uh, of course we have a five-year plan, it’s just that… er… well, our five-year plan includes, um, a… er… a 500… X! Yes, that’s it, a 500X, and it’ll look a lot like, er… like a Buick Encore with MINI Countryman headlights.”
Alfa-Romeo announced that it will continue its strategy of designing exceptionally desirable cars, promising them to the American market for months, and then building a frustratingly small number of them, all while changing their dealership strategy every seven minutes so that company employees and their friends can snatch all of them up before the general public can figure out where the hell to buy one.
The company also revealed a new sign that said “FCA” on it. The sign was quickly removed after it was revealed that “FCA”, when read out loud, is very close to way New Yorkers pronounce “fucker”.
Spokeschrysler Todd Graham concluded the press conference by telling the assembled journalists, “And by the way, we cannot comment on future product.”
Autoblopnik.com presents more new product news you won’t find anywhere else… thank goodness.
CAMARO: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and all Camaros now come with a prescription for anti-depressants to help owners deal with the interior, which is as dark and dreary as ever.
CORVETTE: Redesigned for 2014, now called Corvette Stingray. We recommend the “Not A Cliche Yet” edition, which will only be available for six months.
IMPALA: All-new for 2014. A check made out to Consumer Reports is standard equipment.
MALIBU: Redesigned to address the faults of the 2013 model, with updated the exterior styling, improved back seats, and revised engine, transmission and suspension calibrations. GM says this was their second choice for a fix, but supplying every new Malibu with its own crusher was prohibitively expensive.
300: Unchanged. You got a problem with that, fuckface? Because if you do, we could step outside and talk about it.
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Chrysler’s minivan will remain unchanged through the 2017 model year as punishment for all those nasty things you said about the Dodge Dart.
AVENGER: Unchanged, which should come as a huge relief to the millions of traveling executives who might otherwise be forced to rent a halfway-decent car.
CHALLENGER: Several new colors are available, including Douchebag Yellow, Ridiculously Annoyingly Obnoxiously Hideous Green, and Nobody Knows I’m Gay Purple.
DART: New Alfa Giulietta Package includes rusted-out fenders and a rain-sensing engine that won’t start when the humidity rises above 65%.
VIPER: Discontinued. By fitting stability control to the 2013 model, Chrysler inadvertently cut off the supply of rich dickheads who wreck their Vipers and come back to buy another one.
More new product news coming soon, because frankly we haven’t thought up anything really funny this week.