General Motors recalls every car they’ve ever made

A General Motors vehicle poised to kill innocent children, yesterday

A General Motors vehicle poised to kill innocent children, yesterday

A General Motors representative announced today that the company is issuing recalls for every single vehicle they have ever produced.

“The company is issuing recalls for every single vehicle we have ever produced,” said General Motors spokesrecaller Shag Belch.

Belch said the reasons for the recalls vary from model to model, and include faulty ignition switches (2003-2011 Pontiac G5), cracked axle shafts (2011-2013 Chevrolet Cruze), making their owners look like douchebags with no taste (2001-2006 Chevrolet Avalanche), and what Belch described as “just being sort of crappy” (every GM vehicle designed between 1993 and 2001).

“Some vehicles have no specific defects that we need to recall, but I’m sure we’ll find something,” said Belch.

Clint Meat-Hankee, president of the not-for-profit Union for Corporate Oversight and Communal Safety, said his organization was very pleased with the impending GM recalls.

“Our organization is very pleased with the impending GM recalls,” she said at a UCOCS press conference. “These General Motors vehicles are inherently flawed and dangerous death traps that are maiming and killing innocent people every second of every minute of every hour of every day.”

Meat-Hankee demonstrated what he called “serious safety flaws” in a Buick Enclave he had recently purchased for his wife and expensed to the organization.

“This vehicle has a device called an ‘accelerator pedal’ positioned right on the floor, dangerously close to the driver’s feet,” she explained to the pair of journalists who attended the press conference. “A person who didn’t know how a car works could accidentally step on this innocent-looking protrusion and send the car careening into a nursery school full of nuns.”

Meat-Hankee pointed out the turn signal stalk as yet another a potential hazard.

“If you had never seen a car before and didn’t know how to get into one properly, this could potentially go right up your rectum, causing extensive and embarrassing injury, not to mention making you the butt of jokes from your co-workers for weeks, not that I would know this from personal experience,” he said. “And yet there are no instructions or warning stickers on the car to alert you to this sad and painful end.” He then added, “Why are you giggling?”

Meat-Hankee went on to tell the one remaining journalist that these two hazards and dozens of others exist in nearly every car ever produced by General Motors.

“Clearly, issues like this would never happen in a quality-built Japanese car like a Toyota Camry,” he said, and then added, “Oh, wait.”

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