Toyota thrilled and delighted the automotive media with a theatrical extravaganza from Argentinian group Fuerza Bruta and side-splitting laughs from comedian Adam “No, the Adam who didn’t get on Top Gear” Carolla, all while getting them bombed off their asses on libations prepared by celebrity chef Richard Blais.
“It was an amazing event,” said Autoblopnik correspondent Clifton Faghands. “They had a chick swimming in a pool suspended above our heads, which was way the hell cooler than the mermaids Hyundai hired for their Elantra reveal. And Blais’ food was amazing — the roast pork belly he made was way better than anything I’ve eaten at any German press event. I don’t know how the hell that kid managed to lose Top Chef.”
The performance included dancers running on the walls and showering the crowd with bits of ripped-up cardboard, and an acrobatic act that our correspondent described as “A chick in a box.”
“Our goal for this irrelevant extravaganza was to set a new standard for irrelevant extravaganzas,” said Toyota spokesman Moe “Lest” Tomy, “and by and large, I think we achieved that. By spending millions of dollars to thrill and delight the supposedly objective media, we can… we can… um… damn, I forgot. The point I’m trying to make is that we spent millions of dollars and we had Argentinian babes hanging from the ceiling! When was the last time you saw shit like this at a BMW event?”
“The circus act was really something,” Faghands reported, “but the highlight of the evening was a joke Carolla made about having the same name as a Toyota. The crowd roared. We never saw that coming.”
At the end of the performance, Toyota revealed a car.
“I think it was red,” said Faghands, “but after seven of those nitrogen-cooled margaritas, I’m not really sure.”
Audi says the next-generation R8, due late in 2015 as a 2016 model, will be a significant step backwards compared to the current-generation car.
“At this point we’ve made the R8 so good that we’re running up against the law of diminishing returns,” said Audi PR spokesdiminisher Mahrke Donkey. “No matter how good we make the next-generation R8, the critics are going to say we’ve lost our pace and our vision. So we figured, screw it, if they’re going to accuse us of building a shitty car, let’s give ’em a really shitty car.”
A source at Audi’s Ingolstadt headquarters told Autoblopnik that the new R8 will feature a new W3 engine — a W12 with nine cylinders lopped off — that would develop around 150 horsepower if it were turbocharged, but it won’t be, so it won’t. The new engine will drive one or two of the wheels through a four-speed automatic transmission. In order to assure utter crappiness, Audi has partnered with a handful of competing automakers, including Nissan for styling, Toyota for suspension tuning, and Hyundai for the electric power steering system. Audi plans to develop the electrical systems in-house, Donkey says, because “we have proven ourselves capable of fucking that up with no outside assistance.”
“We’re confident that this new R8 will be seen as an enormous step backwards and will be castigated by the press,” said Donkey. “That way, when we introduce what is essentially a reskin of the current car in 2017, the motor press will say things like ‘Audi is back’ and ‘Audi has found its way again.’ It worked for the 2013 Honda Civic, so we’re sure it will work for us.”
BMW today took the wraps off the first special edition of the upcoming 4-series coupe, the 428i Asshat Edition.
Aimed at traditional 3-series coupe buyers, the 428i Asshat Edition features gloss black or flat gray paint, a lowered suspension, 30″ chrome-clad alloy wheels rims with 255/10R30 Toyo Spine Destroyer tires, 5,000 watt stereo with quadruple subwoofers, deep-tinted windows that automatically open when the stereo volume is above 30%, and a Smoker’s Package. Turn signals have been eliminated, as they are considered unnecessary by the 428i Asshat Edition’s target buyers.
The 428i Asshat Edition will be powered by the same 240 horsepower turbocharged 4-cylinder found in the 328i, but will feature the buyer’s choice of “435i” or “M4” trunk badges. Options include Radick Cruise Control, which detects cars in the left lane, blows past them on the right, then resumes a speed 2 MPH slower than however fast that car was going.
The 435i Asshat Edition will be available exclusively to single male customers under the age of 35 on a 24-month lease with monthly payments of $799 or 2/3rds of the lessor’s Home Electronics Superstore paycheck, whichever is greater.