Toyota thrilled and delighted the automotive media with a theatrical extravaganza from Argentinian group Fuerza Bruta and side-splitting laughs from comedian Adam “No, the Adam who didn’t get on Top Gear” Carolla, all while getting them bombed off their asses on libations prepared by celebrity chef Richard Blais.
“It was an amazing event,” said Autoblopnik correspondent Clifton Faghands. “They had a chick swimming in a pool suspended above our heads, which was way the hell cooler than the mermaids Hyundai hired for their Elantra reveal. And Blais’ food was amazing — the roast pork belly he made was way better than anything I’ve eaten at any German press event. I don’t know how the hell that kid managed to lose Top Chef.”
The performance included dancers running on the walls and showering the crowd with bits of ripped-up cardboard, and an acrobatic act that our correspondent described as “A chick in a box.”
“Our goal for this irrelevant extravaganza was to set a new standard for irrelevant extravaganzas,” said Toyota spokesman Moe “Lest” Tomy, “and by and large, I think we achieved that. By spending millions of dollars to thrill and delight the supposedly objective media, we can… we can… um… damn, I forgot. The point I’m trying to make is that we spent millions of dollars and we had Argentinian babes hanging from the ceiling! When was the last time you saw shit like this at a BMW event?”
“The circus act was really something,” Faghands reported, “but the highlight of the evening was a joke Carolla made about having the same name as a Toyota. The crowd roared. We never saw that coming.”
At the end of the performance, Toyota revealed a car.
“I think it was red,” said Faghands, “but after seven of those nitrogen-cooled margaritas, I’m not really sure.”
Toyota announced today that it has canceled plans to introduce a redesigned Corolla for the 2014 model year, and will instead continue to sell the current model indefinitely.
“We sold 290,000 Corollas in 2012, a 50,000 unit increase over model year 2011,” explained Toyota spokesmodel Moe Lester. “Clearly, the Corolla is still in demand. While we know this decision will disappoint a lot of people, especially Toyota employees and dealers, we have to go where the market takes us.”
Toyota has been showing a thinly disguised prototype of the next-generation Corolla, called the Corolla Furia concept, on this year’s auto show circuit. Automotive journalists, who have described the current Corolla as “dated,” “behind the times,” and “pathetic,” have lauded the Furia concept, calling it “not dated,” “not behind the times,” and “not pathetic.”
“No question, the Corolla Furia would have been a huge improvement over the current Corolla,” Lester told Autoblopnik. “Are we disappointed in our own decision? A bit, yes. Building a compact sedan with the personality of a house plant gets very old very quickly, especially when the rest of the industry has moved on and we’re still stuck in the year 2003. But there is still a large segment of sad, boring people who want a sad, boring car, and at the end of the day, we’re in business to make money.”
According to Lester, Toyota had established marketing deals for the redesigned Corolla with companies like Urban Outfitters, Whole Foods, and Apple Computer.
“Unfortunately, we had to scrap those,” he explains. “But we do have some exciting co-branding opportunities with Jo-Ann Fabric Stores, Bayer Aspirin, and the Kansas Department of Tourism.”
Lester says that Toyota will continue to build the current-generation Corolla “until demand dries up or until every last Toyota employee commits suicide in order to escape the mind-numbing dreariness of our cars, whichever comes last.”
In a stunning move that stunned a lot of people, Toyota president and CEO Akio Toyoda has resigned from the automotive giant that almost bears his family name.
Toyoda’s resignation comes in the immediate wake of Henrik Fisker’s resignation from the car company that does actually bear his name, a move that Toyoda says inspired his own.
“I didn’t realize that quitting was an option,” said Toyoda, speaking through an interpreter. “Then I heard that Henrik left Fisker, and I thought, fuck this, I’m out of here.”
Akio Toyoda is the great-granson of Sakichi Toyoda, who founded the Toyoda Automatic Loom Works in 1926. The company started producing automobiles in 1937, and had its name changed to Toyota when it came through Ellis Island shortly thereafter. Akio joined the family business in 1984, and took over as CEO after a series of non-family CEOs led to a string of boring cars, ill-tempered floor mats, and buyers who couldn’t tell the brake and accelerator pedals apart.
“When I was offered the presidency, I figured it was just something I had to do,” said Toyoda. “People hear your name and they say ‘Oh, like Toyota the car? Do you work for them? You ought to work for them.’ You try to explain to people that no, what you really want to be is a painter, but they just won’t listen. Finally I took a job with the company, so I could just say ‘Yes I do’ and be rid of these assholes, but then they started asking me which one is spelled wrong. God, do I hate people.”
Toyoda is generally regarded as a successful leader for his handling of the 2009-2010 recalls, which threatened to destroy the good will Toyota had built up with American customers over several decades. However, Toyoda now says his tenure was one of strife and internal struggle.
“Toyota builds some of the most reliable and unobtrusive cars in the world,” he said. “You think I wanted that to be my legacy? Hell no, I didn’t. I advocated for switching exclusively to V8 engines with no catalytic converters and glass-pack mufflers. CAFE standards? I’ll tell you what you can do with your CAFE standards, President Obammunist. Needless to say, I got a lot of pushback. This is what happens when you try to innovate.”
“It’s not like working for Toyota gets you girls or anything,” continued Toyoda after Autoblopnik had turned off its tape recorder, packed up its stuff, mumbled some thank-you-and-goodbye-noises and made it clear that it had to go, or at least we thought we did, but apparently not. “Enzo Ferrari used to get laid all the time. All he had to say was ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am that Ferrari.’ Ferdinand Porsche was up to his man-boobs in poon, although I think the fact that he knew Hitler helped him out. But when you tell girls you’re part of the Toyoda family, you can almost hear their thighs slam shut. All they want know is whether you can get their aunt a discount for oil changes on her Camry. Hey, you want to go get a beer? I’ve got a massage scheduled this evening, but other than that, my schedule is wide open.”
In the wake of its proposed $1.1 billion payout to settle unintended acceleration claims, Toyota today announced that it will eliminate gas pedals and transmissions from all US-market vehicles starting in 2013.
“Toyota has a loyal base of customers who appreciate our cars’ unrivaled economy and reliability,” said unintended Toyota spokesman Moe “Joe” Chen. “Unfortunately, a lot of them are too fucking stupid to understand that stepping on the accelerator while the car is in gear causes it to move, and that neither stepping harder on the accelerator nor hiring a lawyer and suing us will bring about a reversal of this situation. We’ve decided we can best serve our customers by addressing this at a hardware level.”
US-bound Toyotas built after January 1st, 2013, will have no accelerator pedals or linkages and no connection between the engine and the drive wheels. The cars will also have a giant red button on the steering wheel that says “OH GOD PLEASE STOP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!” that will cut power to the engine, apply the brakes, and chop off the driver’s feet so as to override any cases of “pedal confusion”.
Additionally, Toyota has issued a massive recall for all models back to the 1959 Toyopet which involves removing the accelerator pedal, permanently securing the transmission into Park or Neutral, replacing the “PRNDL” shifter bezel with one that just says “P”, welding the front brake pads to the discs, removing the wheels and tires, and chaining the car securely to a twenty-ton cement block.
As an added safety precaution, all Toyotas, old and new, will have a large yellow sticker affixed to the windshield that says “WARNING: DRIVING, RIDING IN, LOOKING AT, OR BEING ANYWHERE NEAR A MOTOR VEHICLE MAY CAUSE INJURY, DEATH, AND/OR FINANCIALLY RUINOUS LITIGATION THAT WILL NET YOU JUST ENOUGH FOR LUNCH AT DENNY’S IF YOU’RE LUCKY, WHILE PAYING FOR YOUR ATTORNEY’S NEW BOAT.”
“We are confident that these alterations will put an end to the unintended acceleration issue once and for all,” said Chen. “Additionally, our customers will enjoy the added benefits of lower fuel and maintenance costs, and we won’t have to worry about getting sued every time someone has a brain fart and forgets what the pedals do.”
Toyota has also taken steps to guard against the financial impact of future legal action.
“There may be situations we haven’t foreseen that could lead to litigation,” said Chen. “Parking a Toyota on the edge of a sandy cliff, for example, could cause an unintended acceleration issue that leads to a lawsuit. So just to be on the safe side, our list prices will now include a $25,000 surcharge that goes directly to some random lawyer the buyer has never met.”
An apologetic Toyota apologized to the motoring public today after announcing that the 2013 RAV4 shown at the Los Angeles Auto Show was not the actual production vehicle.
“The SUV revealed at the Los Angeles Auto Show was not the new RAV4, but was in fact a design study done by one of our employees as a moonlighting project for a competing automaker,” explained Toyota spokesman Ashiro Nakasorry. “The guilty party has been reprimanded and punished with a 2-year extension of his employment contract.”
Nakasorry would not give exact details as to how the American public relations department revealed the wrong vehicle, describing it only as “a massive miscommunication” and “an act of regrettable optimism.”
“Toyota would never knowingly risk alienating its loyal customers by introducing a vehicle with such unique and radical styling,” Nakasorry told Autoblopnik. “We humbly apologize to the motoring public, and while we are not ready to reveal the actual 2013 Toyota RAV4 just yet, we can assure you that it will be comfortably predictable and derivative. Actually, it looks a lot like the current one with a slightly different grille, but you didn’t hear that from me.”
Toyota Employee Magazine, an in-house monthly magazine published by and for Toyota staff, has named the all-new Toyota Avalon as its 2013 Car of the Year.
“This was a very difficult decision,” said Phil Staggeringly, the magazine’s editor-in-chief and a forklift driver at Toyota’s Torrence, California parts warehouse. “In the end, it came down to a very close race between the Toyota Avalon, Toyota Corolla, Toyota Camry, Toyota Yaris, Toyota Tacoma, Toyota RAV4, Toyota Venza, Toyota Prius, Toyota Highlander, Toyota Sequoia, and the Toyota Tundra. This was not an easy decision to make.”
Staggeringly says the magazine’s staff of three realized the Avalon could well be seen as a controversial choice. “We feel that the Avalon represents the future of the non-premium full-size front-wheel-drive sedan, and as good as those other cars are — and believe me, they are very, very good — that’s a claim they just can’t make.”
Charles Greenfinger, a part-time accountant for Toyota Finance who also serves as the magazine’s assistant road test editor, told Autoblopnik the Avalon was picked from a pool of semi-finalists that included the aforementioned Toyotas as well as his mother’s 1992 Ford Escort and a Chevrolet Impala rented by a visiting executive.
“Aside from all the other Toyota models, the competition really didn’t come close to the Avalon,” he said.
Staggeringly says he expects the Avalon’s Car of the Year title to be well received by other automotive journalists.
“You’d expect us to heap prase on the Avalon because we’re a company magazine, but we aren’t the only publication singing the new Avalon’s praises. Motor Turd Magazine called the Avalon ‘The largest sedan built by a Japanese company in Kentucky,’ while Cart and Diver says the Avalon ‘accomodates five people and their luggage.’ Even TheTwatsAboutCars.com said ‘The Avalon has standard leather seats and an optional navigation system,’ and you know how stingy those guys are with their praise.”
2013 is only the fourth year for Toyota Employee Magazine‘s prestigious Car of the Year Award. Previous winners have included the Toyota Camry, the Toyota Prius, and the Toyota Venza.