In the wake of its proposed $1.1 billion payout to settle unintended acceleration claims, Toyota today announced that it will eliminate gas pedals and transmissions from all US-market vehicles starting in 2013.
“Toyota has a loyal base of customers who appreciate our cars’ unrivaled economy and reliability,” said unintended Toyota spokesman Moe “Joe” Chen. “Unfortunately, a lot of them are too fucking stupid to understand that stepping on the accelerator while the car is in gear causes it to move, and that neither stepping harder on the accelerator nor hiring a lawyer and suing us will bring about a reversal of this situation. We’ve decided we can best serve our customers by addressing this at a hardware level.”
US-bound Toyotas built after January 1st, 2013, will have no accelerator pedals or linkages and no connection between the engine and the drive wheels. The cars will also have a giant red button on the steering wheel that says “OH GOD PLEASE STOP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!” that will cut power to the engine, apply the brakes, and chop off the driver’s feet so as to override any cases of “pedal confusion”.
Additionally, Toyota has issued a massive recall for all models back to the 1959 Toyopet which involves removing the accelerator pedal, permanently securing the transmission into Park or Neutral, replacing the “PRNDL” shifter bezel with one that just says “P”, welding the front brake pads to the discs, removing the wheels and tires, and chaining the car securely to a twenty-ton cement block.
As an added safety precaution, all Toyotas, old and new, will have a large yellow sticker affixed to the windshield that says “WARNING: DRIVING, RIDING IN, LOOKING AT, OR BEING ANYWHERE NEAR A MOTOR VEHICLE MAY CAUSE INJURY, DEATH, AND/OR FINANCIALLY RUINOUS LITIGATION THAT WILL NET YOU JUST ENOUGH FOR LUNCH AT DENNY’S IF YOU’RE LUCKY, WHILE PAYING FOR YOUR ATTORNEY’S NEW BOAT.”
“We are confident that these alterations will put an end to the unintended acceleration issue once and for all,” said Chen. “Additionally, our customers will enjoy the added benefits of lower fuel and maintenance costs, and we won’t have to worry about getting sued every time someone has a brain fart and forgets what the pedals do.”
Toyota has also taken steps to guard against the financial impact of future legal action.
“There may be situations we haven’t foreseen that could lead to litigation,” said Chen. “Parking a Toyota on the edge of a sandy cliff, for example, could cause an unintended acceleration issue that leads to a lawsuit. So just to be on the safe side, our list prices will now include a $25,000 surcharge that goes directly to some random lawyer the buyer has never met.”