Memorial Day weekend is upon us, which means we are legally required to leave our house and spent the entire three-day weekend sitting in traffic. Here are Autoblopnik’s tips for safe and stress-free Memorial Day travel.
TRAVELING BY CAR
Treat your car trip like a plane trip. Set a firm schedule and stick to it. Arrive at your garage three hours before you plan to leave and charge yourself $50 for each piece of luggage you put in the trunk. Have a friend move your car to a driveway three blocks away for no reason whatsoever, and then tell at least one member of your party that your car is oversold and she will have to leave next Tuesday. Get in the car an hour after your scheduled departure time, park in the road and sit there for an hour and a half with the engine idling and the air conditioning shut off, and then cancel your trip.
If your car breaks down, pull to the shoulder. Then again, if you can drive your car to the shoulder, that means it’s still working and you can probably keep driving to your destination. I suppose you could push your car to the shoulder, but then you’ll hit by a Greyhound bus and your next-of-kin will sue me for telling you to get out of your car in the first place. On second thought, Don’t let your car break down.
Avoid driving while tired. If you feel yourself getting fatigued, have a contest with your fellow passengers to see who can come up with the most blatantly obvious travel tip, such as “Avoid driving while tired”. If you are traveling alone, just keep going. No one will miss you if you crash.
Carry an emergency kit in your trunk. This should consist of a blanket, a flashlight, non-perishable snacks, a flare gun, a shotgun, a 5-gallon gas can, a bullhorn, a signal mirror, an air horn, snow chains, a monogrammed handkerchief, a violin, a bag of Portland cement, a Supertramp CD, two shovels, a roofing shingle, a copy of Sense and Sensibility with pages 117 through 125 torn out, a bottle of vodka (for medicinal purposes), a comb, butter, and a spare car.
TRAVELING BY AIR
Get to the airport three days before your flight. This won’t help with the lines, but you can stake out a comfortable place to sleep when your flight to Toledo is delayed a week because of blizzards in Dubai.
Alternatively, Get to the airport three hours after your flight. Your plane will inevitably be late, not that it matters, because unless you’re an Elite Level Platinum Ass 1K Medallion Frequent Flyer™, you’re not going to get a seat on the plane anyway. And if you are an Elite Whatever, you know enough not to fly on Memorial Day weekend.
Wear something seductive. It makes the TSA full-body pat-downs more interesting for all involved.
TRAVELING BY TRAIN
Er, do we still have passenger trains in this country?
NO MATTER HOW YOU ARE TRAVELING, remember what the Memorial Day holiday is really all about: A day when we celebrate the media for giving us staggeringly obvious advice that any twelve-year-old could come up with.