Mercedes today announced a series of new technological features on the redesigned 2014 E-Class and S-Class models, which Mercedes spokesfeature Muslim Botox described as “High-tech wizardry that our buyers never realized they needed.”

One of the new features is called DISSTRONIC, which automatically insults the driver using rap lyrics.

“Sensors in the bumper look for objects in the car’s path,” Botox explained. “If it detects, for example, that  you are following the car ahead too closely, DISSTRONIC issues an auditory alert that says ‘Your driving is weak, your driving is wack, don’t know where you got your license but you best take it back.’ The system can even detect pedestrians, and if the car is in danger of a collision, it applies full ABS braking with a verbal warning that says ‘Dang, dog, you almost hit that dude the way I hit your mamma’s sweet ass last night!'”

The new Mercedes also features the LANETRONIC lane departure detection system, which can tell if the driver passes over a white dotted line without activating the turn signals. The first time this happens, the car vibrates the steering wheel; on the second occurence, it lightly brakes one of the front wheels to attempt to steer the car back into its lane; and on the third occurence, it automatically replaces the car’s Mercedes badges with BMW emblems.

Closely related is the LAMETRONIC system, which automatically detects if the driver or anyone in his/her party is particularly ugly or uncool and responds by locking them out of the car. This feature is automatically deactivated on the S-Class if the owner has an income of more than $250,000 and is accompanied by a woman two-thirds of his age or younger with fake boobs.

Lastly, Botox tells us, the E- and S-Class will be available with the ATENTION ASSIST program. ATENTION ASIST consists of a long arm with a mechanical finger that taps pedestrians on the shoulder so that they notice that someone is driving by in a Mercedes. This feature is not available in California, where hip and beautiful people now drive Teslas.

© Autoblopnik

Hat tip to JZ… no, not that Jay-Zee