Volkswagen has announced a series of updates that will be made to all of its US-market vehicles starting with the 2017 model year.

“Effective for 2017, all Volkswagen models sold in America will have floor mats that get stuck under the pedals, ignition switches that catch fire, exploding Takata airbags, and gasoline engines that cannot meet their EPA fuel economy estimates,” said Volkswagen spokesperson Paul Lution.

Lution said all of the changes were patterned after “serious defects introduced by other automakers that the public seems to have forgotten about.”

“Honestly, we don’t see why the American public is still hung up on this diesel thing,” Lution told Autoblopnik after agreeing to go off the record. “For fuck’s sake, it’s just a handful of cars that only a small group of zealous nut-cases bought. That whole ‘Never Forget’ thing for the Germans, that’s not supposed to have anything to do with us.”

Volkswagen also announced their new US advertising slogan, “Ficken vergiss ess bereits,” which loosely translates to “Let it fucking go already.”

© Autoblopnik