Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.
“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”
When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.
“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”
Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.
“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”
Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.
“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”
Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.
“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”
Mitsubishi has announced that the subcompact Mirage will receive significant updates for the 2017 model year. The current version of the Mirage has met with sharp criticism in the automotive press, despite being named Best New Product of 2014 by Shitty Stuff Magazine.
“We haven’t just redesigned the Mirage,” said Maurice Fedora, chief spokesman and glutton for punishment at Mitsubishi cars. “We’ve taken an in-depth look at the way we design and engineer our vehicles and made some fundamental changes to the way we do business.
“For example, one of the major operational decisions we made was to insist that our chief designer actually design the Mirage’s new front fascia himself, instead of handing his four-year-old son a box of brightly-colored crayons and a drawing pad, as he did for the current version of the Mirage,” Fedora explained.
Besides the refreshed styling, the 2017 Mitsubishi Mirage will get revised suspension tuning and a more powerful engine.
“Our suspension engineer recalibrated the springs, dampers and sway bars based on real-world testing results,” he continued. “This differs greatly from the process he followed for the current car, which involved falling asleep at his desk and drooling into his keyboard.”
Automotive journalists frequently complained about the sluggish acceleration from the Mirage’s 74 horsepower three-cylinder engine.
“It turns out that our chief powertrain engineer was under the mistaken impression that he was only allotted 500 horsepower for his entire career, so he’s been trying to spread it out slowly,” Fedora explained. “Unfortunately, we’ve been unable to convince him otherwise, so the 2017 Mirage will only get four additional horsepower. We have, however, put the letters ‘GT’ on the trunk, which should help improve the Mirage’s 0-60 time to well under eight minutes.”
Fedora says he hopes that by explaining the reasons for the Mirage’s initial crappiness, he can clear up some misconceptions about the way the automotive industry works.
“A lot of people in the media think that when a car appears to have been designed by idiots, its shortcomings are in fact the result of many carefully-weighed decisions and compromises based on market trends and opportunities in specific segments,” he told Autoblopnik. “But that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes a car really is designed by idiots.”