2013 Ford Escape
2013 Ford Escape: Could have been a much different vehicle, but for a busted straight flush

Autoblopnik has uncovered a secret internal company memo revealing that the reason for Ford’s design and engineering shift to Europe, widely publicized as a move to reduce costs and rase corporate average fuel economy, was actually the result of a lost poker game.

According to the memo and details pieced together by Autoblopnik’s sources, Ford’s President of the Americas Mark Fields was playing Ford of Europe CEO Stephen T. Odell in a late-night hand of seven card stud, follow the bitch.

“After several hours of play and a lot of drinking,” said Ford spokesman Brad Shiftikart, speaking on condition of anonymity, “Odell proposed that if he won the last hand, Fields would source all of his compact and mid-size vehicles from Ford of Europe, and if Fields won, Dearborn could replace the European-market Ka, Fiesta, Mondeo, and Kuga with the F-series pickup truck. Fields was working on a straight flush, but couldn’t put it together. Odell’s two wild cards gave him a full house, jacks over fives, and that was that.”

Odell apparently offered to rescind the bet if Fields would get a buzz cut, but Fields turned him down, reportedly saying “Dude, I’m shitfaced, but I’m not that shitfaced.”

“We had bitchen new versions of the Focus and Escape,” Chief Creative Officer J Mays told Autoblopnik on deep background. “Our Fusion was a bit of a greasy turd, but you should have seen our Fiesta. It was fackin’ nails.”

“We know, based on our experience with the Cortina and the original Fiesta, as well as the Mercury Capri, Mercury Cougar, Ford Focus, Merkur Scorpio, Merkur XR4Ti, Ford Contour and Mercury Mystique, not to mention GM’s experience with the Saturn Astra and Kadett-based Pontiac LeMans, that Americans just don’t go for European-designed Fords,” said Shiftikart. “But a bet is a bet. What can you do?”

© 2012 Autoblopnik