Disappointed with the utility of the recently-released Cooper Coupe, MINI has announce a new less-useful version of the Cooper, which will go on sale in about 18 months.

“It’s no secret that the MINI Cooper Coupe failed to meet its targets for uselessness,” said MINI spokesrep Harold Fuctyerwyfe. “We thought removing the back seat while reducing trunk space by more than half was a remarkable technical achievement, but we inadvertently left enough room for a few grocery bags. That said, the rumors about a woman from Long Island fitting an entire suitcase into her MINI Coupe are patently false.”

The new MINI, reportedly called the Cooper Stupiduselessman, will have one door, a single seat mounted slightly crooked on the wrong side of the car, a six cubic inch trunk, and, according to Fuctyerwyfe, a roof that looks “even stupider” than the one on the Cooper Coupe.

“If anyone calls this new car useful,” Fuctyerwyfe told Autoblopnik, “I’ll kill my own children with an iron and a couple of slices of mortadella.”

Rumored automotive supersite Edmitts.com use their top-secret proprietary imaging software to prepare the composite photo at left, then had Ford fly a half-dozen of their best journalists to Reykjavik to test the new Lamborghini Aventador, citing the fact that since both Lamborghini and MINI have two I’s and an M in the name, this would give them “a pretty clear picture of how the new MINI will drive.”

Asked about pricing, Fuctyerwyfe told Autoblopnik, “We’re not ready to make an announcement, but we expect to follow the pricing model established with the Coupe, charging more for the added uselessness. The new car will be priced somewhere between the current Cooper Coupe and a gently-used Boeing 737.”

© Autoblopnik