With an increasing number of vehicles passing its difficult small-overlap frontal impact test, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety has introduced a new crash test which it hopes will create further challenges for automakers.
“We really thought the small-overlap frontal crash test would keep the auto manufacturers stymied for at least a decade,” said IIHS spokesiihser Will U. Survive. “Unfortunately, they were able to adapt their vehicles to the new test with surprising speed, which means we had to buy way more of those stupid Top Safety Pick Plus trophies than we anticipated. Which, by the way, is why we invented the small overlap frontal test in the first place. Those little trophies are, like, 400 bucks apiece, and we were trying to cut our budget.”
The new medium-overlap roof crush test consists of felling a large tree so that it lands directly on the vehicle. Cars that can pass all of IIHS’ tests, including the new roof crush test, will receive the Top Safety Pick Double Secret Plus Plus Mega Holy Crap award.
“Just as the small-overlap frontal crash test is designed to simulate a car striking a tree or a pole at high speeds,” explained Survive, “the medium-overlap roof crush test is designed to simulate what happens when the manufacturers find a way to beat our expensive new crash tests in just a couple of short years.”
Survive says that if the automakers are able to adapt their vehicles to withstand the new medium-overlap roof crush test, the IIHS is considering a large-overlap roof crush test in which a 25-ton marble slab is dropped onto the car from a height of ten stories.
“Our message to the auto manufacturers is simple: You try us. You just fucking try us.”