Jeremy "Captain Hamster" Clarkson, yesterday
Jeremy “Captain Hamster” Clarkson, yesterday

Controversial TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has once again found himself in the midst of controversy, this time for failing to offend anyone.

“We sincerely apologise to minorities, women, truck drivers, Mexicans, Americans, construction workers, the French and the overweight,” said BBC spokesapologiser Hap Polojiser in a written apology. “We know you have very specific expectations from both the BBC and Mr Clarkson, and by not saying anything offensive today, Mr Clarkson failed to meet those expectations. For this, the BBC are incredibly sorry. More sorry than a truckload of illegal Polish construction workers. So sorry even a woman could understand how sorry we are.”

The statement concluded, “We take back our apology to the French.”

Mr Clarkson said he was baffled by the controversy.

“Honestly, I don’t understand it,” the grizzly TV presenter told Autoblopnik. “I go through long stretches every week where I don’t offend anyone. Once I went for an entire month. Why, now, is this such a big deal?”

After prompting, begging, cajoling, and a threat by Autoblopnik to bring up that thing about him having an affair, Clarkson reluctantly added, “POWAAAAAAH!!!!!”

The BBC said it considered sacking Mr Clarkson for his failure to offend, but have decided not to since no one else anywhere in the world seems to be able to make a car-related television show that is worth a shit.

“At least the Jews who run the BBC know what they are doing,” Clarkson said.

© Autoblopnik