With “Tesla Model 3” becoming one of the fastest-trending search terms on the Internet, automotive web sites are struggling to feed readers’ appetites for information about the new car, no matter how trivial, pointless, or banal.
“We’ve published one hundred and fifty three stories about the Tesla Model 3, and the traffic just keeps growing,” said Georgian Pat, editor-in-chief for the newly-renamed Jaloptesla.com. “It’s all Tesla all the time, and we haven’t seen this many visitors since… er… well, I’m not sure, actually. Geez, I really should know these things. I’ve been editor for six months, and that makes me an old timer by our standards.”
“Whatever the guy from Jalopnik said,” said Austin Seven, editor-in-chief of Autobltesla.com.
Meanwhile, industry analysts explained the transformative effect the Tesla Model 3 is having on the Internet.
“Tesla Tesla Tesla, Elon Musk, Tesla Tesla,” said Karl Marks, chief anal cyst at Kelly Blue Tesla. “Tesla tesla, Model 3 Model 3 Model 3, keyword stuffing, Tesla Model 3 Tesla. Model 3 Tesla.”
Editors of car sites all over the Interwebs struggled to find unique content they could write about the Tesla Model 3, tackling such topics as what modifications Tesla might make to the Model 3’s front end and what type of pants are most appropriate to wear when driving a Model 3.
“Obviously, there are more newsworty topics we could cover, such as the reduction and eventual elimination of the Federal tax credit once Tesla sells 200,000 cars, or the dismal build quality of the Model S and X, or the questionable ability of Tesla’s customer service department to keep up with a ten-fold increase in customers,” said John Voelkswagen, senior citizen editor for High Tesla Media. “But that might get us shut out of the next Tesla reveal, and who wants to miss out on all the potential page views? Oh, and by the way, Tesla Model 3.”
Asked how long the Tesla Model 3 craze might last, Jatesla‘s Pat said, “At least until the production car finally goes on sale. So we’re probably looking at four or five years.”
The Internets are abuzz with speculation about the Tesla Model 3, which will be revealed tonight in a super-secret ceremony at an as-yet-to-be-disclosed confidential location somewhere in the vicinity of 3203 Jack Northrop Avenue in Hawthorne, California, take the 105 freeway to Crenshaw Ave. and turn right. Though the details remain confidential, we are able to speculate based on others’ speculations.
- Tonight’s reveal may not show the complete vehicle. This required a massive and expensive coordinated effort to contact all of the major dictionary publishers in order to change the definition of the word “reveal”.
- The entry-level Model 3 will have a base price of $35,000*.
* Batteries not included
- Thousands of people are literally lining up to put down a $1,000 deposit without knowing what the car will look like, what kind of range it will offer, or how much it will cost. This has led to a sharp rise in sales of the Brooklyn Bridge and beachfront property in Arizona.
- Tesla will give the first purchase options to existing Model S and Model X customers so they’ll have something to drive while their other cars are in the shop. Roadster owners can fuck off.
- Gigafactory 1, the Nevada plant that will build the car, is scheduled for completion in 2020, just in time for the Model 3’s scheduled introduction in 2017. Currently the factory is 14% complete, and it is expected that the first customer cars will be 14% complete as well.
- Of the Gigafactory’s 13 million square feet of space, at least 4 million square feet is expected to be dedicated to gaming, including baccarat, pai gow, and the loosest slots in the automotive industry.
- Given the Tesla owner profile—high satisfaction despite below-average quality—Tesla may announce an expansion into products such as hair plugs, anti-aging cream, and heroin.
- Elon Musk originally wanted to name the car the Model O so that the three model names would spell SOX, but this turned out to be a trademark owned by a baseball team in Illinois. He considered calling it Model A, but was stopped by the Selmer Horn Company. The car may still be called the Model U unless a competent public relations manager can be hired in time.
- The Model 3 lineup will eventually include a sedan, a 5-door hatchback, a 3-door hatchback, a coupe, a convertible, a compact SUV, a pickup truck, a small van, a large van, a flatbed truck, a cement mixer, a car carrier, a copy of the Encyclopedia International, a trip to Maui, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
- Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have never been seen in the same place at the same time, and Jobs had a closed-casket funeral. I’m just sayin’.
- P. T. Barnum was right: One per minute.