The 2015 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited, yesterday
The 2015 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited, yesterday

Jeep today revealed the 2015 Wrangler, which will be based on Fiat’s European-market Panda 4×4.

“The new Wrangler will make huge improvements in fuel economy and ride quality,” Jeep spokeschanger Tadd Gayer told Autoblopnik, “the trade-off being that it will give up some off-road ability. And by some, I mean pretty much all of it.”

Asked if such a radical change would alienate the existing Wrangler buyer base, Gayer said, “We certainly hope so.”

“Moving the Wrangler to a commuter-car platform will definitely be a huge disappointment for long-time Jeep fans,” Gayer said, unnecessarily starting a new paragraph. “Frankly, if we can get rid of these Moab-obsessed yahoos, we can get on with building SUVs and crossovers that the rest of the market actually wants. The CR-V can’t do jack shit off road, and Honda makes way more money than us.”

Jeep’s shift away from off-road-capable products includes ceasing use of the “Trail Rated” slogan.

“We’re thinking about changing it to ‘Tail Rated,'” Gayer told our reporter. “The implication is that Jeeps are pet friendly, but there’s also the subtext that it’ll help you get girls. We like subtle sexual innuendos like that. Why do you think we named the pickup trucks Ram?”

Gayer said there would be plenty of alternatives for fans of the brand who dislike the new Panda-based Wrangler.

“They can buy a used Wrangler. God knows there’s about a billion of them out there. They could get off their lazy asses and work hard enough to afford a Land Rover. Or better yet, they could just find a different hobby, one that doesn’t require us to rearrange our whole friggin’ product line to suit their whims. To tell you the truth, I really don’t give a shit. Come 2015, it’s no longer my problem.”

© Autoblopnik