Autoblopnik has uncovered an internal company memo in which Jaguar-Land Rover has directed its dealers to stop selling Land Rover and Range Rover SUVs to washed-up celebrities.
Company spokesman Sir Colin Vishnu, speaking on the condition that we tell his personal assistant he really did kill a lion with his bare hands, confirmed the memo’s authenticity.
“Back when we were a relatively unknown brand selling quirky English 4x4s that broke down a lot, having the paparazzi shoot some has-been in a Range Rover really did help build the brand’s public awareness,” Sir Colin explained. “However, now that we’re established, it’s dragging us down. I enjoy a photo of a braless Britney Spears with no makeup getting into her LR4 after buying cigarettes and Ho-Hos at the AM-PM as much as the next guy, but let’s face it, those photos just aren’t selling vehicles to a credit-worthy audience.”
The memo said that sales to working celebrities were still welcome, and was careful to define washed-up celebrities as those who have not had a major project in the last two years, have ever starred in a straight-to-video movie, have been a contestant in a celebrity-themed reality show such as Celebrity Apprentice or Celebrity Fit Club, or who have generated more than 50% of their headlines in the last twelve months based on multiple trips to a drug or alcohol rehabilitation facility.
Sir Colin made it clear that customers suspected of being washed-up celebrities would not be asked to leave the dealership.
“Our sales representatives have been instructed to escort them to the Jaguar showroom,” he explained. “We would very much like them to test drive an XF or an XJ.”